Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.

Jessi:

Hi everyone. I'm here today with Deana and I'm so happy she's here. Deana, do you want to introduce yourself?

Deana:

Hi Jessi. My name is Deana Kiser. I am from New Jersey–Stewartsville, New Jersey. And I am a former thirty-five year smoker who successfully quit a little over fourteen months ago. I count each month down.

Jessi:

Well, thank you so much for being here today. I'd love to hear more about your experience with smoking, how you started, how you quit, and what's changed for you since you decided to quit.

Deana:

My very first cigarette I had–this is going to be shocking to some people–I was ten years old. I always would look at people smoking. I always liked it. It looked sophisticated. I was drawn into it. I liked the whole thing as a child. And a friend of mine and I stole some of the grown-ups’ cigarettes and we went down to the bridge down the road, and we smoked the cigarettes. I don't remember coughing. I remember liking it. I remember, “Oh, I like this. This is good.” And it's not like I picked it up and started becoming a smoker at ten years old. That was just my introduction to it.

And then I didn't really smoke–maybe I snuck here or there a couple times over the years–until seventh grade and eighth grade. My bestie then, in those years–during the middle school type years–we went down to the convenience store downtown after school. We were good kids. I was a good kid. I had good grades, I played sports. It wasn't like I was a hoodlum. I just loved smoking. She was a good kid, too.

There was a cigarette machine in the convenience store in those days. It was 1984 or so. There were cigarette machines. So, we had a thing. We were going to try every single cigarette brand; that was fun to us. We'd buy a pack of cigarettes. We'd go down to the park and we'd smoke our cigarettes and then I’d tuck them in, hide them, bring them home, hide the pack so my mother wouldn't find it, and then the next day bring it back down to the bridge, smoke another two cigarettes. We did this and we went through, we tried every brand. I mean, we tried Lucky Strikes. They didn't have a filter; that was disgusting. We tried menthols, and it was a big thing, and we talked about each brand. Did we like it or whatever. I just loved smoking. Everything about smoking was exciting to me.

And then I went off to high school and my little bestie there, my freshman year in high school, was allowed to smoke in her home. Her mother bought her cigarettes, allowed her to smoke in the home. And I would get excited after school to go to her house so we could just sit around and smoke cigarettes. That went on through high school. And then I picked up a part-time job at a restaurant, the later years in high school, learning how to serve tables, around my school schedule. Everybody smoked cigarettes in the restaurant industry at the time. We all did. We’d get our table, take our drink of water, come back, smoke a cigarette, bring our food out, take a cigarette. It was high pressure, high, fast pace. We were all smoke, smoke, smoke in the back. I mean, you could still smoke indoors at the time. We had a break room; we all smoked there. That was (when I was) eighteen years old.

And then when I went away to college, I was so excited. People get excited to go away to college. You're away from home for the first time. You're independent. But one of the main reasons I was very excited to go away to college is I got to pick out my roommate to be a smoker. You get to pick it out on the piece of paper, you check smoker or non-smoker. And that meant I could wake up in the morning and light up a cigarette. You know, I wasn't smoking at my parents house, of course, but I could smoke anytime I wanted. Oh, I couldn't wait to be away at college so I could just smoke and smoke and smoke in the morning, before I went to bed at night. I mean, it was an addiction. And just, the addiction. The addiction! You get the sense how much I loved smoking. (Laughs.)

Jessi:

M’hmm.

Deana:

And then it just carried on through life with me. I did aerobics. I did step aerobics. I did Tae Bo. I did all the trends of working out, as the years went by. I was very athletic. I ran. In my late twenties, I picked up running, but I always smoked. As soon as I was done with my workout, I couldn't wait to just light up. It was like a walking contradiction, you know, just a total contradiction. An athletic person taking care of themselves, taking care of their bodies, and every chance they got behind the scenes, lighting up, smoking, getting that nicotine in, all that tar.

And I used to fool myself. I used to say, "Well, I'm running, so I'm opening up my lungs and I'm getting all this nice air in. So, it's not going to matter that when I smoke, I put the bad crap in because I'm running and I'm opening my lungs up and that's clearing it all out.” I used to play games with myself like that.

Jessi:

Yep.

Deana:

So I just loved smoking, and then everybody quit smoking. The time after college, my friends in college, we all smoked, but everyone quit. People were no longer smoking. It became an embarrassment, an absolute humiliation that I was smoking. Nobody smoked at work. Nobody smoked in the social situations I was in. People didn't smoke anymore. It just was the monkey on my back that I couldn't get rid of.

I tried many times to quit. Many, many times to quit, and I couldn't. I couldn't do it. It was just humiliating. I eventually quit, just like I said, fourteen months ago, but I had to use Chantix. I used the medication Chantix. It was the only way I could do it. It literally just was able to stop those receptors to the cravings. It was an aid for me. Tremendously helpful. But it did send me on a mental merry-go-round the first few months. I mean, it really just spiraled, like digging down deep of, “Why do I smoke? What are the emotional reasons? What's the psychological reasons? What's my connection to it? What's my triggers? Why did I always fall back on it?” Really, really peeling back the layers.

I truly believe, (for the) majority of people who smoke, it's our drug of choice. We are using it to quelch something, to calm us down. It's a drug. Instead of using alcohol, or instead of using illicit street drugs, or any number of drugs, any number of fallbacks in life. Nicotine, tobacco, cigarettes was my drug of choice. It was my drug of choice to deal with some problems, and deal with some thoughts I had, just about me not having the confidence I needed in life, and not being as happy with myself as I should have been, and just different things. I used cigarettes. I used cigarettes to combat that.

So, I finally addressed it. I finally went to a doctor and said, "I can't do this by myself. I can't do this. I want to quit so badly. I don't want these things in my life anymore. I don't want this crutch, but I can't. I can't do this." And that's when we went on the Chantix. I was on that for six months. It's been a game changer for me.

Jessi:

Well, that's incredible. That's definitely a turnaround from lighting up the minute you wake up to…

Deana:

Yeah.

Jessi:

…where you're at now. And I think that's really impressive what you've been through. I agree with you a hundred percent on the smoking addiction being so emotional. I think that really gets missed a lot is the emotional tie.

Deana:

Yes.

Jessi:

I'm curious, with Chantix then, because you said that you were taking the Chantix and that kind of helped with the cravings. So, you're talking about the physical cravings?

Deana:

Right, yes.

Jessi:

Did you still have cravings for that stress relief or whatever you were using it to help you cope (with) emotionally?

Deana:

When a trigger would come up, it was dulled, but I'd still kind of like, "Oh, a cigarette is what I'm supposed to be doing right now. A cigarette is the answer right now." Like that would come very, very occasionally, rarely. And like weird things. I noticed each season change throughout the year. Like, I'd be fine. I'd be in my normal situations. I used to get up in the morning, get my coffee, smoke my cigarettes. It was just part of my routine. And then I'd work out and then I do yoga and then I do a whole thing. But I had to have that half hour of smoking cigarettes in the morning, chain smoking my cigarettes. I had to have that. Well, that went away with the Chantix and with the quitting and my mornings were fine. I didn't have that block of time anymore. After dinner was another time when I would just play on my phone and just calm down, relax for the night, smoking. All those things were gone. Like, all that was gone.

But what I did notice–and this is so bizarre–but what I did notice is certain things, like every season change, every time it changed the season, it would be like muscle memory. The first snowfall, I was sitting at work looking at the snow falling and thinking, “I need to step out for a cigarette break. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now.” That's what I did every snowfall. I'd be under the ledge just looking at the snowfall, the ashtray here, smoking my cigarette. I do this every winter, you know. So that happened with fall, with winter, with spring. Every season changed, and I'm over it now. But isn't that weird how muscle memory works like that?

Jessi:

I had this same thing; that is so bizarre!

Deana:

Really?

Jessi:

I've never talked about this with anyone. But whenever it got like a gray kind of cold day, I'd be like, “Man, a cigarette would be perfect right now.”

Deana:

Oh, okay.

Jessi:

Like, I had that same… My husband's like, “What are you talking about?” (Laughs.)

Deana:

Right.

Jessi:

It's difficult to describe.

Deana:

I know!

Jessi:

It's just like, I don’t know, there's something about this mood that I would smoke. So that's so funny.

Deana:

Oh, okay. Okay.

Jessi:

I thought I was crazy. (Laughs.)

Deana:

I don't think I passed the next… It's been over a year. I've gotten through each season. I didn't get it this summer, because I quit last year in May. So, when it changed to summer this year, I didn't have that. I didn't have that feeling…

Jessi:

Nice.

Deana:

…but I did for fall, winter, and spring. But by summer, I didn't have it when we changed over. So, I guess that's done. But yeah, like muscle memory attached to different things like that. And I wasn't on the Chantix anymore, so I don't have that.

But otherwise, I don't even think about cigarettes anymore. I really don't. I just don't even think about them. I still love the smell of them. So, if I walk past someone and they're in front of a store, smoking a cigarette, whatever, I could just–mmm!–just sit there and people are like, "That's gross, disgusting, and I stink." A freshly burnt cigarette, I love the smell.

However, if someone walks past, they smoked a cigarette an hour ago or whatever, and it's on their clothes and in their hair and on their skin, whatever. It stinks. I'm like, "Oh my god! I walked around smelling like that? That's putrid!" I can't believe how offensive I must have been to people, smelling like that. And I was fooling myself, spraying myself with perfume and mints and thinking I was covering that up. There's no covering that up. There's no covering that up.

Jessi:

I don't know if you had that experience where you're pulling out your winter coats and one just reeks like that old smoke. It's just like, “Wow!” Like you have to go through all your things.

Deana:

Yes! I've had cigarette butts in the bottom of old purses, the pockets of old coats, like actual half-smoked cigarette butts. I don't know what the heck they're doing in there, and they stink. Yes. And the whole garment stinks. Yeah. M’hmm. I've had that.

Jessi:

That's definitely one of those benefits, to let go of that. What other kinds of benefits have you seen show up, or, have you? Any kind, physical or emotional?

Deana:

My sleep. I sleep better. It was a stimulant. I used to have problems waking up at two in the morning and not being able to fall back asleep. That is not happening anymore.

Emotionally, I feel like my emotions leveled out. Now, I started therapy. When I quit smoking, I realized when I started spiraling out of control, that I needed to talk to a therapist. Like, there's some things that I had to deal with. Between therapy and just being off the cigarettes, I'm just so much more levelheaded. I'm no longer constantly looking for that next fix, the next cigarette. The emotional mania: “Where's my next cigarette? When can I have my next cigarette?” I am just so much more calm. People will say, "Oh, smoking calms you." It is the exact opposite! Smoking leaves you filled with anxiety, looking for your next fix.

Jessi:

Yeah, that was my experience, too. Have you noticed that you have more resilience? Even if something does put you off, you're stressed or you're heightened? I had an easier time coming back.

Deana:

I believe so, yeah. I think that just goes with being totally more level-headed, more resilience. Yeah, absolutely.

Jessi:

It sounds like you had a lot of tools in place already. You called yourself a contradiction, and I completely relate to that. You start learning how to take care of yourself, but you kind of have that lingering addiction still. You're trying to cancel it out, but you can't quite get there. But you at least have something that's health-oriented and self-care involved.

Deana:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

But I'm wondering, what kind of tools you had to get you through that transition, when you're talking about that half hour in the morning. And did you kind of have something that you used to distract yourself or refocus yourself?

Deana:

Yeah, like I said, the Chantix was a big help. That helped tremendously to get the cravings (under control). But really, the other things… I didn't take that half hour to smoke and drink my coffee and watch the news. I didn't do that. I would just immediately have one cup of coffee. Didn't let it linger and I’d get onto the yoga mat and go about my morning. And I’d do my yoga, my Pilates. I have a whole morning thing that I've done for years. But I needed the half hour to start me up first before I could do anything. It was time where I just thought, and I would sit there and think, and overthink and ruminate and overthink. I just needed that window of time, I don't know what it was. But I didn't do that any longer. I just had my cup of coffee, got down on the yoga mat and went about my yoga, and went about my routine, and just made my mind click into a different place immediately.

What other things did I change? I worked on my relationship with my sister. That was a thing. It's not her fault. It's my fault. But that was one of the main things that I started therapy about. And I think one of the things that kept me smoking was, I just felt overshadowed by my sister, a lifelong type thing. And it's not her fault. She did nothing. She was just living her life, you know, going about her business. But I felt like, “Oh my god, this happened for her and it didn't happen for me. And this happened to her and didn't happen to me. And she gets everything first.” And it was bothersome to me. And I think it's one of the reasons that I–well, it's probably the main reason I was smoking–and we've addressed that through therapy and through quitting smoking. I'm able to talk to my sister now and say, “Listen, this has been a life struggle for me.” And we've really cleared the air, and we've worked on a relationship, and that's been great. I mean, that's been freeing. That's been freeing.

Jessi:

Yeah.

Deana:

I listen more. I listen to people more now, instead of looking for my next fix. I'm more in tune with other people. I have a lot more time. I'm reading. I'm listening to podcasts. I started walking. Walking, I really wasn't doing. I have a history of running and doing different things, but I had a back injury and I had some back surgeries and I have some chronic pain. So, I kind of have to navigate life around this whole issue, too. So, I can't run anymore. But, I started walking. So, I walk about two miles a day every day and listen to a podcast and just do that, as opposed to laying on my back patio smoking and scrolling on my phone. So, it's just like, filling my time differently and more wisely.

Jessi:

Yeah, that all makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you're investing in yourself with your time then.

Deana:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

I'm wondering, too, with what you were talking about with you feeling a lot of embarrassment around smoking and humiliated and…

Deana:

Yeah…

Jessi:

…a little bit, kind of what you're talking about with your sister: Have you noticed a change in your self-talk? The way that you talk to yourself, the way that you motivate yourself, just kind of that inner voice, the tone of it.

Deana:

Definitely. Yeah, definitely. I feel like I'm just rounding myself out better. I think there was always me as a whole, there was–with that smoking, it was always impeding me in some way. You know what I mean? It was a life impediment with that dark cloud of smoke following me around.

Here's a perfect example of how I was humiliated with smoking. So, I'm single, but I'm on the dating apps. I go out and date men and things, and my profile said ‘non-smoker,’ but I was a smoker. Do you know how many times they'd call me out and say, "You smoke." And I'd say, "No." And I had masses of perfume before I went on the date. And I said, "No, I don't." And they're like, "Come on, you smoke. You smell like cigarettes." And it was just like, "Who did I think I was kidding?” I want to date athletic men and men who are fit. Men that have a lifestyle like me. Do you think they're smoking? These men aren't smoking. They're not smokers. Then I’d just be caught in a lie and just keep denying it. (Laughs.) And then, be smoking. Have a smoker's cough, too, on top of it all. (Laughs.)

Jessi:

Yeah. It’s awkward.

Deana:

Right.

Jessi:

It's opened a lot of opportunities then, for connection?

Deana:

M’hmm. M’hmm.

Jessi:

That's wonderful. Same.

Deana:

Yeah.

Jessi:

Because it used to be, I only felt relaxed around other smokers.

Deana:

Oh, right.

Jessi:

Sometimes we didn't have anything in common except smoking.

Deana:

Yes, yes! For sure. We had a secret handshake, didn't we?

Jessi:

Yep. (Laughs.)

Deana:

That's true.

Jessi:

I think your experience is really amazing and really helpful. I am curious about the Chantix, because I didn't go that route. How long did you take it, and did you have any side effects from taking it?

Deana:

I had a lot. I had the crazy dreams. You had to ride it out. I know a lot of people have tried the Chantix and they got off it, because of the dreams and the different things. But I rode it out. I was like, “I'm going to deal with this. It’s my last-ditch effort to quit this smoking. I got to ride this out. I got to deal with the dreams,” because it sends you into crazy dreams. “I got to deal with these vivid, every night, technicolor situation in my sleep. I got to deal with going down this merry-go-round, loop-de-doop of all the psychological, emotional, and this and that.” It sent you on a spiral, but I'm glad I did it in the end. I got through it. I worked it out. I started therapy and yeah, it was a whole process.

They put you on–it's month to month. I was on it for a month, and then I told her that I'm not ready yet. We needed to extend it. I think three months is what you're supposed to be on, but I still didn't feel ready. So, she extended it out for me for another three months. You can be on it, I guess–I've read online–through a year if it's necessary. They don't like to do that. They like to make it three months, but I was on it (for) six months. I weaned myself off–I think it was month five–I weaned myself off. I started taking half. Just half in the morning and half at night. It was supposed to be one in the morning, one at night. I was just taking half, and then I weaned myself off–I think it was month five. By month six–I can't remember precisely–but I think I was just done with it.

For me, I needed it. You know, I'm not saying everyone should do it. I'm not saying it's for everybody. Some people can use the patches. Some people do it cold turkey. There's all different ways to do it. The point is: do it.

Jessi:

Yes.

Deana:

Doesn't matter how you're doing it. You know what I mean? Do it.

Jessi:

Definitely. There's countless ways to go and whatever…

Deana:

Right.

Jessi:

Just keep trying. Just keep trying what works for you, and everyone's going to have different things that resonate.

Deana:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

So I'm wondering what kind of things you had tried before, when you weren't able to stick with it?

Deana:

What did work once for me, the year before COVID–I quit for about four months, I believe it was. The only time I've ever quit in my life. The gum worked.

Jessi:

Okay.

Deana:

The gum did work for four months, but I couldn't do gum now because I'm in the middle of some dental work–extensive dental work–and some implants and crowns and this and that and whatever. I was trying the lozenges you suck on, but I found myself smoking anyway. I tried the patch. I smoked with the patch on. I tried just cold turkey; that was a nightmare. Nope, I couldn't do that. I can't believe people could do cold turkey and many do, and they do, and it's amazing to me, the fortitude they have. But a lot of people do it that way. Just turn it off. Just shut it off and they get through it and it's amazing. Tried the Nicorette aids. That's really all that I tried.

Jessi:

Thanks for sharing that because it's really helpful. People get disheartened when they try and it doesn't work, and it's like, “Keep trying. Keep trying the thing until you find what works for you.”

Deana:

Right.

Jessi:

I've never met anyone that quit on their first try.

Deana:

Right. Seriously. Yeah.

Jessi:

Well, I'm glad you stuck with it and you found what worked. It's definitely worth the failing. (Laughs.) I don't know how else to put it. You know, that's what it feels like.

Deana:

I know. I feel like I'm out of prison. Right?

Jessi:

Yep.

Deana:

It's so liberating and freeing. Oh, I feel like a new person. I feel like I have broken up with an abusive partner, an unwanted companion in my life that was leeching off me and I'm just free. I'm free.

Jessi:

Totally. Yeah. Because I felt that myself, too, that smoking kind of felt like a friend, and it's like, “If that's a friend, you got to move on.”

Deana:

Right? What kind of friend? Yeah. What kind of friend steals from us? The money that went down the tube. Yeah, it's like a one-sided friendship.

Jessi:

Do you have any last words for people that are kind of stuck in it? Maybe they're on the fence, maybe they've tried and it didn't work for them. What kind of final words would you say to someone that wants to quit but doesn't know how, or doesn't feel like they can do it?

Deana:

I'm going to say that anyone can do it. If I can do it, anyone can. I mean, I lived for it. I can do this. Anyone can. That is an overused expression, but it is so true. Don't give up. Keep trying. Find what works for you. Something will work for you. But inside mentally, you have to really make that click, that, “I'm done.”

Jessi:

M’hmm.

Deana:

“I'm going to stop this. I'm going to stop this drip, this bleed. I am done.” Keep trying until you find the thing. If you need an aid, if you can walk away cold turkey, that's wonderful. Do it. Get the mental fortitude. If you need an aid, find what works for you.

The other thing that helped me was, I had little cinnamon sticks. It was like a tactile thing, you know, and I would just kind of hold it in my hands. Make pretend I'm smoking it; it had a taste to it and I’d swirl it around in my mouth. And I did that for a little while. I forgot to mention that. I want to mention that.

Just keep trying. You can do it. Anyone can do it. You will feel like a brand new person. M’hmm.

Jessi:

So worth the struggle.

Deana:

It is worth the struggle, isn't it? It is worth the struggle.

Jessi:

Well, thank you so much. I really value your wisdom and your experience. And I know that each story that we go through helps somebody see what's possible for them. So, thank you so much for opening up, and your vulnerability, and being here.

Deana:
Of course, I enjoy talking to you. I hope it helps someone.

Jessi:
I know it will. All right, everyone. I'll see you next Tuesday. Thank you.