If you’ve gone back to smoking in the past, what was your breaking point? Was it an emotional situation that caused you to seek comfort in an old habit?

This is what brought Mo back to smoking even after completing a program and having a high determination to stop. While an unusual situation gave Mo the opportunity to quit again, it was dealing with her emotions that kept her smoke-free for good.

Enjoy Mo’s story here on the You Can Quit Smoking podcast.

Jessi:
Hey everyone, welcome back. I'm so excited to be here today with Mo, an amazing person. I am so excited to hear more of the story. So, tell us a little bit about yourself, Mo.


Mo:
Thank you, Jessi. My name is Mo. I live in Germany.

So, as this is about smoking, I've been thinking about it a lot today.


Jessi:
So, what's your story with smoking?


Mo:
I started smoking actually when I was only 16 years old. In the beginning, it was only occasionally.

And I even had a friend who wanted to stop me smoking. But when we were 18, we were both smokers. [laughter]


Jessi:
Yeah. That's how it goes. Did you influence your friend to join you in smoking?


Mo:
No, I don't think so. I do not know why she changed her mind. I have no idea.


Jessi:
Uh huh.


Mo:
I asked myself today why I started smoking in the first place. And I think it was to look more adult to be cool in a way. But then it developed into something very, very different. And I think in the end it was to keep my emotions at bay.

I had a very, very difficult life especially when I was young. I was very depressive. So I think smoking helped me to handle all these things.

Just a moment ago something came to my mind. For example, I used to go out a lot when I was young. Because I liked to go dancing and to parties and I mostly did it alone. And imagine you go to a place and most people there are in groups. And I am always on my own.

So smoking for example helped me a lot in such a situation. I could stand around but when I was smoking, I still had something to do. When I was not smoking, it was a lot more difficult. And I found it quite unbearable.

I have been smoking a lot. So from sixteen, it was only occasionally. When I was 18, I started to evolve into a heavy smoker. I smoked up to sixty cigarettes a day. Not filter cigarettes because I was quite poor. I was rolling cigarettes and smoking them without filters. Really hard stuff like Gauloises and things like that with a lot of tar.


Jessi:
How did you feel both physically and emotionally about yourself smoking that much during that time?


Mo:
Not very good.


Jessi:

Yeah.


Mo:

And of course the smoking didn't help at all. So maybe at the beginning I was feeling more cool, more adult. But it was afflicting me.

It was also affecting my health because I have had a chronic stomach condition since I was eighteen. And you can imagine the smoking didn't help. And I had issues with blood pressure and things like that. So I always knew that smoking was not a good idea. But I could not stop.

When I was a bit older, there were several attempts to stop, to quit smoking. I even visited once a program in an adult evening class for 10 weeks or so. It was a good program. It worked but only to a certain extent. Because there was a lack or a gap in it and this was a psychological side.


Jessi:

Yes.


Mo:

And I think I was not so old, maybe between eighteen and twenty. I went home one evening for Christmas. And we had a horrible row at home on Christmas. And I had already stopped, quit smoking, for several days. But this has disturbed me very much. It became a kind of traumatic experience.

And of course, I restarted smoking and this experience has returned. The emotional or psychological side was always what I could not deal with but one day I managed.

I didn't even plan to quit smoking. I got an operation. I had a lump in the throat and I got an operation and I was in hospital. One day I realized, "Oh my god, 5 days have passed and I didn't smoke a single cigarette. So now, this is the occasion on a silver plate. I have to continue.”

So I was quite satisfied with my idea because it had not been difficult at all. While I was in hospital, I had no desire to smoke or something like that. So this was nice. And then the 10th day was a really horrible day.

I wasn't no longer at hospital, but there was a friend who had visited me that day. And when I came home from hospital, I didn't even dispose all of my smoking material. Maybe I had second thoughts in my mind. I don't know. And on the 10th day, I disposed all the thing in the waste bin.

And then a friend came to visit me and I think she had also addiction issues. And she nearly was successful in convincing me to get all the things out of the waste bin so that we could both smoke.


Jessi:
Oh man, that's difficult.


Mo:
Yes, that's horrible. I always wondered how she could do this to me. But I think it was because she had addiction issues herself and needed some relief probably.

So I went down, I opened the waste bin and I looked all the stuff inside. And someone had already put something over it so I would have to dig in the waste bin. And I said to myself, "Oh no, I can't do this. I can't do this. I will never forgive myself if I do this."

And this has always been what has kept me non-smoking since. I would never forgive myself because I know smoking is dirt. It's afflicting yourself, putting dirt in your body and it is not good for my health.

But Jessi, I still have cravings. Even though this is 20 years ago. Because I always like the smell somehow. And it happens sometimes when I'm in the street and there's a smoker around. The smell goes into my nostrils, then I get a craving. But it is very easy in this case. I just have to move closer to this person and then my lungs are not happy.

Jessi:

Yeah. [laughter]


Mo:

So I think probably physically I could not smoke any longer because my lungs would not accept it.


Jessi:
So you talked about that emotional piece for you that when you have tough unwanted strong intense emotions that is when you would smoke or rely on smoking the most. So do you have cravings now when you have those emotions? What's changed now where you have different means to cope with that?


Mo:
I have different means to cope with that. What has changed is I no longer need to keep my emotions at bay. I can process them now. When they arise, I can process them now. This is what has changed.


Jessi at midroll:

Before we get back to the rest of the story, I want to speak to the pregnant moms listening. If you are navigating the stress of pregnancy while trying to stay smoke-free, please know you don’t have to do it alone.

I created The Heart Within Sponsorship as a completely free, safe space for you to find emotional resources and community support. You can join us today by visiting honoryourheart.net.

Now, let's get back to today's show.


Jessi:

Incredible. And how did that work in the beginning? Did you have different tools that you used? Did you just start sitting with the emotions more and accepting them? Because I imagine that was difficult early on.


Mo:
Yes, in the beginning frankly I do not remember how I managed. But I can tell you it was very very, very, very difficult. Because I was not even aware how many emotions I had.


Jessi:

Mhm.


Mo:

I think smoking always keeps you cool somehow. And so what did I do at some point? I became an EFT tapping coach and this helped me a lot with the emotions.


Jessi:
And do you want to talk a little bit about that for people that aren't familiar with that technique?


Mo:
This is a technique to get access to your emotions and to release them. And it's very simple. You just put your fingers, the thumb and the index on certain points on the body, mainly in the face and also on the hand. You can do it silently or you can say something. And this helps your body through these emotions.


Jessi:
And that's more effective than trying to suppress with the smoking.


Mo:
Yes, of course. Yes. [laughter]


Jessi:
It seems counterintuitive because it's scary to look at them head on, to actually work with it. But long term it is much healthier. [laughter]


Mo: Yes.


Jessi:
And easier.So, what happened with your social situation since you had friends around that were smoking and influencing you? Did that change after you quit?


Mo:
Yes. Nearly all the people I knew when I was younger, most of them smoked. And now, they do not smoke any longer. Most of the people have quit smoking. Only a very very few people still smoke. Even at my working place, there are very few smokers now.


Jessi:
So that's interesting because a lot of times people change their group. They'll hang out with new people that don't smoke.

So you let this unfold naturally where everyone followed suit with you. You could still be friends and spend time together and be around them and work with them. That's wonderful.


Mo:
Yeah.


Jessi:
And were you able to provide them encouragement and support as they were quitting as well?


Mo:
No, they did all it on their own. Yeah. We're not very close people. I think it's complicated.


Jessi:
Yeah. Yeah.

So, what are some of the gains? What are some of the benefits that you've noticed since quitting?


Mo:
I'm no longer dependent. I have access to my emotions. I no longer have to push them down, which is very stressful for the whole body and for the system itself. Because it takes a lot of energy not to process emotions.


Jessi:

Yes and to just deal with the chemicals itself. I found a lot more energy just waking up in the morning. It's night and day. It was very slow, very hard to wake up.

I'm wondering more about the surgery aspect. So, you were going into surgery. Was your doctor encouraging you to quit? Were you thinking about quitting going in at all or did it come suddenly? Were you just in the situation and not feeling well?


Mo:
No.


Jessi:
Wow.


Mo:
No, the doctor didn't encourage me. It just happened out of itself somehow. It was certainly the divine that intervened.


Jessi:
Yeah, that's amazing. Sometimes those health scares early on in life can be very helpful to us. I had dental issues, so I was going to lose my teeth. And so that helped me move forward with quitting.

And at the time, I felt kind of like a victim, like, "Oh, why me?" You know, like, “Everyone else gets to smoke and I don't.” But now I look back, I'm like, "Oh, I'm glad that happened early. I'm lucky before things got worse." [laugher]


Mo:
I also have a lot of dental issues.


Jessi:
Yeah. It affects you long after. But it's always worth quitting anyway because it's not getting worse, of course.


Mo:
Yeah.


Jessi:
So, has anything changed with your stomach condition either. Has that been easier for you since quitting or about the same?


Mo:
Yes, I think. I think it's hard to know. I have a lot of conditions. It's difficult to say.

But of course, I am very sure that if you stop putting tar and all these substances in your body, your body gets better.

And you know, I had a very difficult thing in between. I nearly died. I had something with a duodenum which broke through and I nearly died. It was a question of a half of an hour. And of course this helped then also.


Jessi:
Yeah. That’s very intense.


Mo: Yes.


Jessi:
I'm glad you're recovering from that.


Mo:
Yes.


Jessi:
You said that early on that you knew as a young adult that it was not a good thing for you to be smoking, but you couldn't quit. You know, you mentioned the program that you tried. Were you attempting to quit regularly? How many times do you think that you tried to quit prior to the the thyroid surgery?


Mo:
I think between three and five times. Certainly. Yeah.


Jessi:
What words of advice would you have for somebody that's in that situation? They know they're not feeling good physically. They're not feeling good emotionally about themselves. Maybe carrying some shame, carrying some regret, trying to quit but not able to succeed. What words of advice would you have for someone in that situation?


Mo:
Yes, they should look out for help and they should take care of the emotional side first. So they are like building some strength.

When I look back at the situation with my family on Christmas, had I had more strength, had I known how to deal with it, maybe it would have worked. Because I was very dedicated. But I didn't have the strength.

I think today that when you want to quit smoking, you have to deal with your feelings.


Jessi:
And it's a skill that takes practice and work. It doesn't come on its own.


Mo:
Yes.


Jessi:
I'm glad that you were able to work with that and find your way. And now that's part of your work. So, can you talk to us about your work and how people can get in touch with you?


Mo:
Of course. I have been an EFT tapping coach for highly sensitive people with childhood trauma before. But today I'm doing something completely different.

I support others in overcoming the separation from source, God, your own divinity or your divine spark or the prime source creator, however you want to call it: true joy and play and spiritual embodiment.

And I have a website and I have of course a Skool: the expressive art space embodiment skool. And I may add that I recently decided to offer my service for free completely.


Jessi:
That's very generous and much needed. Do you think that ties to smoking or how do you see that tying to smoking: that separation from source?


Mo:
Oh yeah, you are right. There is a link of course. Because when you are separated from source, you always carry an inner emptiness.

I have carried this all my life. And you feel this emptiness but you do not know what it is and you try to fill it through addiction, through eating. Smoking is just, I think, a little part. And fill it through external validation, through many, many, many things.

And when you can reconnect with the part of you that you have lost, your whole life changes. You do no longer need external validation. You become more authentic.

And you certainly do not need cigarettes or alcohol or food or always being dressed to the latest fashion. A lot of things just fall away when you are in your real authentic true self. This is very beautiful.


Jessi:
Absolutely. And it can be difficult as well like dealing with the emotions. Sometimes it's like the scariest thing to be ourselves. But once you go down that path, there's no going back.

Because so many opportunities just open for you and you can be empowered and you can be connected. So those are the things that I was missing as a smoker. I did not have those feelings very often. So I think that's beautiful work


Mo:
Me too, yes. And if I may add, that what I'm doing itself is not at all difficult. It is a process of sound movement and imagination. It's like a kind of divine play so it's not at all difficult. And it's always dealing with the emotions from a meta perspective, not in the emotions but from looking from above.


Jessi:
Interesting. Yeah. That's something that you know we need more of as adults. We need more play. We need more lightness, more imagination. [laughter]


Mo:
Yes. [laughter] That's my mission to bring joy. Joy to humanity.


Jessi:
Well, thank you for that work and thank you for coming on for sharing your story with us. I just am so happy for you that a divine opportunity arrived for you. And that you took it because not everyone does or can at that time.

And I just appreciate you coming on. Thank you so much.


Mo:
Thank you Jessi. Thank you for the opportunity to share my story.


Jessi:
All right, everyone. Take care. We'll see you next week.


End of Interview

As Mo just shared with us, her dependence on smoking was largely an emotional connection.

Lynn also realized that smoking allowed her to turn away from her emotions and she needed to embrace them in order to quit in a sustainable way. Lynn also talks about the shortcomings of willpower and how embodying new beliefs leads to genuine transformation rather than just surviving.

Listen to Lynn’s full story on episode 11 of You Can Quit Smoking.
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