Are you ashamed to be a smoker? It can be incredibly discouraging to make the promise to yourself and others to quit, only to come back to the habit.

Donna was caught in this cycle herself until the right opportunity presented itself, and she took it. Because of the struggle, Donna deeply appreciates the freedom that comes with being smoke-free and takes pride in her quitting journey.

Enjoy Donna’s story here on the You Can Quit Smoking podcast.

Jessi:

Hey everyone, welcome back. I'm here today with Donna. Donna has a story to share with us that sounds a little bit like mine. We'll see. I'm excited that you're here, Donna. Thank you so much. Can you tell us a little bit about yourself?


Donna:

Sure, and thank you for having me. Quitting smoking was probably the hardest thing I've ever done. So, I kind of like to talk about it because I kind of like to brag because I actually did it.
I live here in Southern California and I've been here for longer than I've lived anywhere else. I've lived in quite a few places.

I’m just happy to be here and happy to be alive and excited to share my story.


Jessi:

Right on. So, let's just jump into it. What's your story with smoking?


Donna:

Well, it started way back when actually I was probably 13 or 14 years old, somewhere in there. This boy at school had taken my purse and he wasn't going to give it back. And he said, "Is it because you have cigarettes in here?" And I said, "Yeah, that's why." Well, then I couldn't be a liar. So then I had to buy the cigarettes and then I had to keep it going.

And so I started smoking occasionally, usually at school. That went on for several years, all through high school. And then when I moved out from my parents' home, that's when I really started smoking. That's when I really became a real smoker.
I never thought, "Oh, I should quit." I never thought that. I thought, "Oh, I'm just going to be an old lady sitting in a rocking chair crocheting, with a cigarette, and a beer. That's going to be me." And I didn't even think anything would be different. So, I just was going along my merry way.

And something came up. I was dating a guy. I had just gotten sober. I'm also a recovering alcoholic. The guy I was dating, we decided to quit smoking. And I thought, "Oh, that ought to be interesting. That shouldn't be any big deal after not drinking. That should be easy."
I was so wrong. It was not easy at all. It was so hard. I kind of compare it to when someone's on a diet and you know how they get hangry. Has anybody experienced that? It's the same thing for me. I was not a nice person.

And I was a co-supervisor of a customer service department with inbound calls. And somebody transferred a call to me and they lost the call. And I got up from my desk and I went over to their desk and I told them. I sure did. Then I got taken out of the room and talked to.

So it wasn't easy and it wasn't something that I stuck with. There was always something that would come up that I would just have to have a cigarette. I would be doing something that I do every day and then one day it's like, "Oh, I just can't."

I would sit in restaurants. It was back when you could smoke in restaurants. And I would sit in there and I would watch the smokers. I would just watch them and wonder, “Why do they get to smoke and I don't get to?” That was my own decision not to smoke. But it just didn't seem fair. It just didn't seem fair to me at all.

Like I said, so I’d start smoking and I’d smoke for a few years and then I quit. Then I’d smoke for a few years and then I had some health issues come up. I thought, “I probably should try to be a little bit healthier because you never know what's going to come around the corner when you start creeping up there in years.”

So, I decided that when we were going to go to New York for the US Open that I would quit smoking the day we left. That way, I wouldn't be somewhere that I was used to being and smoking. So, it wouldn't be something that I would have to even think about. I thought that if I got far enough away from my environment, I could just be a non-smoker.

It worked. I couldn't believe it worked. And I couldn't believe that that time it wasn't nearly as hard as the other times. But I still say I will not start again because I know I will not quit again. I just know I won't. So I've decided I won't start again.


Jessi:
That's so interesting. I really can relate to the yo-yo, the back and forth. Always being reminded of it. Always something that comes up.

And what stuck out to me was that story with you watching other smokers jealously. So did you have a lot of pleasure with smoking? Was it something that you truly enjoyed or was it something that you felt like you needed to get by?


Donna:

Both. Oh, yeah. I enjoyed it. I didn't have a problem with it. And when I quit, I loved being around people that were smoking. I just loved the smell. I was just like, “Oh, it smells so good.” But not anymore.

So, I enjoyed it. But it was also I knew that if I could have a cigarette and just take that first drag, “Oh, everything was going to be okay. Everything was going to be okay. Whatever was tripping me up or whatever was causing me problems, it was all going to be good.”

It did that for me and it also gave me a sense of fitting in and belonging because it was pretty popular where I was to smoke. So I felt like I fit in. I felt like I was a part of something where that was always difficult for me to feel like I fit in or to feel like I belonged where I was.

I always felt like I shouldn't be where I was. “There's somewhere else I'm supposed to be. I'm sure.” But I never knew where that place was. And smoking helped me just kind of relax and fit in. Or so I thought.


Jessi:
And so what has changed with that now? How do you get that moment of relief, of control, of feeling okay? And how do you feel about yourself now in groups? Have you come into seeing yourself in a different light with more acceptance? Are things awkward? Like, what's changed with that?


Donna:

See, confidence isn't something that some people have and some people don't. It's like a muscle. You have to practice and you have to build it up. And the best way to build up confidence is to do those things you think that you can't do. And quitting smoking and becoming a true non-smoker, I didn't think would ever happen again. And it did. So that gave me a little burst of confidence.

And then I got into a position where I was training and teaching groups of people. So that gave me a job. As long as I had a job or something to do, I was okay. I just always needed to be doing something. And I'm still that way. I still always have to be doing something.


Jessi:

I can relate that sense of purpose. Definitely. And just to be doing something.

It's kind of strange with smoking, but it always felt like I was doing something with it because I have a hard time sitting still with the quiet. So, it's just like, “Oh, I'm active.” Even though it's like “This isn't really accomplishing anything, but I'm doing something.” So, I had to struggle with that when I quit.


Donna:
Yeah, because I thought, “Well, what am I going to do? You know, I quit drinking. I quit smoking. What's left to do?” I just thought I was just going to have this boring, boring life.

What's funny about all of it is that when you get rid of all of the distractions and the roadblocks that are keeping you from living life, you get to truly experience it and find out what's going on out there in the world while you were, while I was, hiding behind the alcohol and the cigarettes.


Jessi at midroll:
I hope today's story is giving you exactly what you need to hear right now. If you are finding value in these conversations, I have a small favor to ask that makes a massive impact.

Could you take just a couple of minutes to rate the show and leave a quick review on whatever app you are using to listen?

When you leave a five star rating or a kind word, it tells the podcast platforms that this content is helpful. That means they are more likely to show it to someone else who might be sitting in their car or on their porch right now, feeling like they are the only person who can't figure out how to quit. Your review is the evidence they need to see that it is possible. Thank you so much for helping us grow this community. Now, let's get back to the episode.


Jessi:

Absolutely. And I think that's one of the surprises for most of us. It was for me. So, what other gains have you noticed since quitting?


Donna:

Health for sure. My health is much better. You don't get winded. You don't get tired as easy. All my clothes smell better. My closet used to just reek. So, there's that. I smell better than I used to. I don't have that cigarette and coffee breath anymore. Just the coffee.

Mostly for me, it's the doing something that I didn't think I'd be able to do is really big for me. Because I have a real problem with self-discipline. It's really easy for me to negotiate with myself and figure a way out of doing things.

So for me to just do that and stick to it and decide, “No I didn't quit smoking I am now a non-smoker.” That made a big difference taking that attitude, that perspective of being a non-smoker versus, “I just quit smoking.” So I became a non-smoker and that really helped.


Jessi:
That confidence, that resilience is irreplaceable. You've said it so well. And yeah it's a big identity shift for sure.

And so I want to take a step back to you being jealous of other smokers. Like I want to go back to that because I know that feeling well. So, what's that like now when you see people smoke? What are your thoughts?

Like even on television, you know, we see movies. I've been watching Peaky Blinders. They're smoking from start to finish.


Donna:

Peaky Blinders, great show.


Jessi:

And my husband asked me, he's like, "Does this make you want to smoke?" And I'm just curious how you feel about that.


Donna:

I don't really even notice it unless it's in a newer movie where it is just one person smoking or you catch it in the glimpse or something. And it just seems odd because here in Southern California you're hard-pressed to find someone that smokes. So to see it is like, “Oh that's different.” But I don't have that same I wish I could.

Sure I wish I could. I mean, if I could and there were no health disadvantages to it that you could stay healthy and live forever and didn't age your skin and your hair and it was just a positive thing. Oh, I would. I would. No doubt.

But I don't have that same jealousy and I don't have the, "Well, too bad. I'm better than you. I quit smoking and you're still smoking." I don't have that.

I do know that when I did previously quit, I had a lot of friends that still smoked. And they didn't like to smoke when I was around because I would talk the whole time about how I quit and how nice it was to quit. They didn't want to hear that.


Jessi:
[laughter] Yeah. No kidding.


Donna:

Just give them a piece of my mind. Yep.


Jessi:

I answered my husband, I was like, "No, I actually feel sorry for him." Like I don't judge either. But it makes me feel grateful that I'm not there when I see it. It was hard being on the corner and it was hard on my body and I had a lot of shame with it. So I don't know if you had any of that.

Well, you talked about feeling like you needed to belong, like you needed to fit in, like you were on the outs and now through the process of quitting smoking, you've gained confidence and I'm just wondering like what's that change for you emotionally with it?


Donna:

Shame is big for me. That's always been an issue. And so when I would quit smoking and then I would start smoking again, I would hide it for the longest time thinking nobody would know. Because I didn't want anybody to know that I had started again because I was ashamed. Once again, I said I quit and once again I started smoking again.

So yeah, the shame is there and wanting to hide it. And then giving the “who cares?” attitude and just smoking it in front of everybody. And you don't care what they think and then you realize this isn't what you want to be doing. At least I did. That's how I realized I just didn't want to be that person anymore.


Jessi:
Definitely. And did your relationships change in any way when you quit?


Donna:
Not really. As long as I didn't brag about it, we all got along just fine. But more importantly, people were quitting. And since then, I've had several friends come to me and tell me that I was their inspiration for them to quit smoking. And that is awesome.


Jessi:
Yeah. You have no idea what effect you have on other people. Because in my situation, I had to be the first one. And it was hard. But, you know, it ripples out. People see that and they're like, "Oh, maybe I can do that."

And that's the whole point of this podcast. So, thank you for coming on here and sharing your story.
I'm wondering for somebody that's in it. Maybe they've gone back. They quit for a big period of time, and they've come back. And it's just really knocked down their self-trust, their confidence in their ability to quit. They think, “I couldn't last. Why try again? But I really want to.” What words of advice would you have for somebody that's in that situation?


Donna:

Not being able to stick to it. To say you want to quit smoking and you quit. And then you smoke and then you quit and then you smoke. Don't beat yourself up over it because from my experience and from stories I've heard from other people, it's not you.

Nicotine is addictive, downright medically addictive. So when you smoke, you become addicted to it. It's like quitting any other drug that you have to get yourself off of. And it's not easy and it's not fun.

What you need to do is you need to have someone that you can call or talk to when you want to have that cigarette. You can talk to them about what's bothering you or you can just talk to them about the last baseball game. Anything. Just to have somebody to talk to and get it out of your head.

And don't go there as far as, “Oh, I'm no good. I can't do this.” It's a drug and you're fighting against it and you can win. If I can win, you can win.


Jessi:
Wise words. Thank you. And I'm wondering how listeners can get in touch with you and can you talk more about your work?


Donna:
Oh, I'd love to. What I do is I work with women. I help them come out of the corner, come out of the shadows. Many women get to midlife and they play small for so long either behind the husband or behind the children. And kids leave home. They may even have a divorce or husband passes. And they just really don't know who they are or what they want to do and don't feel that they have what it takes to do it anyway.

And I work with those women and show them that they do have the confidence. They do have a story to tell. And I help them craft their story and then put it into a digital product that they can sell so they get an income and make an impact at the same time. And you can reach me at my website which is donnazerger.com or you can email me at donna@donnazerger.com.


Jessi:

Well, I appreciate that work. It's really a transitional time. We have all these seasons of life and I feel like quitting smoking is a huge change. It's really hard to figure out like you talked about with that identity, “If I'm not a smoker, who am I?”
And so it can be really helpful to have a coach in your corner helping you figure out what the next step is and to really step into a new way of being. So I think it's awesome.


Donna:

It's good work. I enjoy it.


Jessi:

Thank you so much for coming on here for sharing your story and talking about it being hard. Because like you said, a lot of us can get caught in our head and feel alone with it. So for you to come out and step out of that shame and say, "Yeah, this was what I did and I've decided to change my trajectory here and change my life," I think that's really amazing and inspiring. So thank you so much.


Donna:

Yes. And if any of your listeners want to talk or just want to have someone they can connect with, feel free to email me. And I will get back to you as soon as possible and we can connect. And like I said, talk about whatever you want to talk about. We're just going to talk about anything but smoking.


Jessi:

Right on. Well, thanks again.


Donna:

Thank you


Jessi:

And take care everyone. I'll see you next week.



End of Interview

Donna talked about how smoking made her feel like she belonged when otherwise she felt like an outsider.

This was an experience common to Julieta as well who picked up the habit for the same reason. Yet as the times and her relationships changed she found that smoking was getting in the way of her ability to connect to others.

Hear how Julieta moved past the habit in episode 41 of You Can Quit Smoking.
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