Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.


Jessi:

Hey everyone, welcome back. I'm here today with Danielle who is awesome. I've been on her podcast and I'm happy to have her here today. Danielle, can you introduce yourself?


Danielle:

I am Danielle Zilg and I am a MFT in the making. I’m a motivator. I'm a coach and also an advocate for mental health.


And I'm just honored to be here. Jessi, thank you so much.


Jessi:

Yeah, thanks for coming on. I'm excited to talk with you more. I know we touched on it when I was on your podcast and like to jump into it more. So, what's your story with smoking?


Danielle:

I was an inconsistent smoker I would say. When I was younger, especially at the high school age… Now everybody, all the young kids, they vape. That's the thing. But back when I was younger, similar to your story, smoking was kind of the cool thing to do.


And then I remember like when I was younger being at parties and stuff. People went out for a cigarette. I'd be like, "Oh yeah, like I want to come too.” It started as a social thing. Definitely when I was younger, similar to you, to belong.


Of course, I neglected any… I was too young when I was 15, 16, 17 years old to really know the true detriment to my health. And it wasn't even like all the cool kids were doing it. It was just, as I said, I just wanted to belong. I wanted to be part of that social structure.


And then as I got older and went into my 20s and was working and stuff like that. I will say smoking became more of a stress coping mechanism. So I was kind of on and off.


I would smoke for like a year and then I would stop. And then I would maybe just smoke at parties. But then, like I would smoke again for a year.


And I noticed that as I was getting older, getting more responsibilities, I was getting a job. It's actually funny or ironic with the universe that I'm on your podcast now. Because whenever I'm in a high level of stress, I was like, “I just want to have a cigarette.”


The nicotine calmed my nerves down. I didn't chain smoke. But that whole experience was just like, “Ahhh.”


Jessi:

it sounds like it started out as something for you to fit in. So what was going on there? Did you feel uncomfortable when you were not smoking? What did it do for you socially?


Danielle:

Socially, I mean, I don't think I felt uncomfortable when I wasn't smoking. As I said, it was just kind of like joining in with a group. It was like being on a team, right?


Jessi:

Yeah.


Danielle:

It's like, “Oh, everybody else is playing basketball. I want to be on the team, too. And shoot the hoop. I just don't want to be on the sidelines, in the fan seats, just doing it.”


Also too, I'll be honest with you, of course, when you're younger, you look up to people. And I remember vividly that when I was a freshman in high school, the girl that drove me to school. This girl and her sister, who was younger than me, but she was in the car, too. They smoked.


And at the time, she was a senior and I was just a freshman. She was driving me to school. So, I was like, "Oh my god, that's so cool. Like, not a lot of freshmen get that.” So, I also associate it with being cool.


I'm like, "Wow, like this person I look up to is doing this thing. Like, it can't be bad." And she was really pretty. “And so how could this be bad? Like, she does it. I want to do this, too.” You know, like I looked up to her.


So, there was that piece of it, especially when I was younger: the cool factor.


Jessi:

Yeah, I totally get that. Did that continue as you were using it for work and with stress? Did you feel cool when you were doing it or did that change?


Danielle:

It definitely changed because as I went to college, college is just a cesspool of experimentation of everything. Like it's just everything. You're no longer smoking to be cool in college at parties.


Specifically, I remember later in my high school years when like that girl had graduated and I was the senior in high school. I would be at a party or something. And it was a nice break in the night to just be like, "Oh yeah, I'm just going to go out and have a cigarette." And then other people that smoked would be like, "Yeah, I'll come with you."


And it would be like that nice little, "All right, let's get out of the chaos for a little bit. I just want a cigarette." It was almost like, “Oh, give me some alone time.” While other social things were going on.


Jessi:

Totally. Like that break from the crowd.


Danielle:

Yeah, exactly. Like that break. So, it was that. And then as I started working after college, I used smoking more as a break.


It was also like a bonding experience with a co-worker. “Hey, want to go out?” Going out to have a smoke, get coffee. Like a co-worker would come over be like, “Hey, you want to?” I’d be like, “Yeah, let's go.”


But then when I was 20 to 30, I smoked on and off for less amounts of time. Maybe like 3 months, and then I would stop. But that's when it definitely became a stress coping mechanism. When I was in severe moments of stress, I would just be like, "Oh my gosh, I just want a cigarette."


Then I would smoke out of stress because at the time I wasn't medicated. I struggled with anxiety pretty much starting in my early 20s and now on to my 30s. But I think I was using it as a like, almost like I was self-medicating.


Jessi:

So did that make the difference then? What changed where you're like, "Hey, this isn't something I want to do anymore."


Danielle:

Definitely my own and similar to you, like my own healing journey helps.


I also think too, as you get older and wiser, you're like, “I only have x amount of years left.” It is so detrimental to your health. I mean, you can feel the difference.


And with my own healing and growth, I was like, “You're not addicted to the cigarettes. There's like something deeper going on inside. That's your stress response.”


So it really took that inner work and working with a therapist. And then, as I said, now I am medicated for my anxiety. So it took those steps to be like I don't need this anymore.


That was something I was doing to self-medicate myself. And now I found healthy and appropriate tools to combat my anxiety that I was having or those really really really high stressful moments.


Jessi:

That's amazing. I think that's such a key part to changing any habit really. “This isn't working for me.” To find out what those needs are and meet them in other ways.


And so I just think that's great. But I'm kind of wondering, was it a difficult process for you then?



Danielle:

Yeah, because I will say too, like I remember similar to you sharing me with your story. It's like that's why I think I smoked on and off for so long. I would smoke for like a couple months and then I go cold turkey and I'd be like, "Okay, I can do this."


Maybe like four months would go by and then I would start smoking again. It was very sporadic. That went on from I would say probably from right after college, so like 22, 23 to like probably my late 20s. So I would say it was like a good 5 year span of my life as an adult.


And that was in addition to social smoking in high school. If you look at my smoking history, that was a 10-year span. It was just very inconsistent. But it took me that long to cold turkey quit.


It was one of those things I remember as well, like I told you, it was like a bonding thing with a coworker. But it was also to be around other people too. I think that's another big thing in your story as well.


Like when you're around other people that are smoking, even though like I wasn't or I didn't have a pack of cigarettes. They'd be like, "Oh, do you want one?" And like the temptation, like I hate to say, it's like just pressure.


The peer pressure to just be like, "Yeah, sure. Yeah, I'll have one." And then that's how I got hooked again.


Every time it was somebody asking me at a social event, “Do you want to come out with me?" And I'd be like, "Yeah." Without even registering what habit that was then going to happen after that.


Jessi:

Totally can relate to that. So when you finally were able to put it behind you, how did you handle those interactions when people would say, "Hey, you want to come out with me?" What did you do instead? Or how did you respond?


Danielle:

Yeah. I would just be like, "No, like I'm good." I mean, I think I also got to the point if you think of my development as I grew older in my 20s. I started obviously very still formable, you know, when you're in your teens not knowing who you are.


I found my identity through my 20s. So like I found who I was. And that was also part of my healing, part of my growth journey. I became more solid in my identity. So that was a huge piece of it.


If somebody asked me today. Like if they were smoking and were like, "Hey, do you want to have one?" I'd be like, "No, like no, I don't smoke." And that hasn't happened to me like in years. Somebody like asked me that. But I would just be like, "No, I don't smoke."


Because it's like I know who I am now. But when you're younger, you don't have that sense of identity. So you're trying to find it everywhere else. But then once you look in and you figure out who you are, it's very easy to just be like, "Nope." Like that's not for me.


And of course too, like now that I'm in my 30s and older and the health. You see the repercussions on your health and you really get focused on that. Not like I'm like a health nut, but you know what I mean?


Like you want just general wellness. I do want to live a long life. I want to be as healthy as possible. And smoking is very detrimental to your health. So that was a big factor I would say as I got older.


Jessi:

I'm wondering if there was any point where maybe you noticed or observed a difference in smoking affecting your stress. Like maybe when you were on the medication. Did you still try smoking for stress and was it effective? Or did anything change with that, with your perception of it being a stress relief?


Danielle:

Obviously, I was very dysregulated when I was smoking as a coping mechanism. When I got more regulated, I remember I could feel the nicotine in my body.


And it was almost like a tingling. It wasn't euphoric, but it was just like a tingling feeling. And I remember being like, "Ooh, like this doesn't feel the same way.” I didn’t feel that release like before.


It felt just weird, for lack of a better term. It was just like a tingling. It wasn't a full numbness. But it was almost like that pins and needles. But like a little bit lighter than that in my body.


And I was like, "Ooh, I don't know if I like that." I was like, “I don't know if I like that feeling anymore.” And it consistently happened. Yeah, it just wasn't a good feeling. It was just weird.


It wasn't like cold turkey then either. But it was a phase like I had to like everything in life, go through trial and error. And I kept on consistently feeling that.


I mean, I'll use the similar metaphor or analogy to like a certain type of alcohol, right? Our bodies respond differently to like tequila versus vodka. So, it's almost like I lost a taste for it.


It's like my body just couldn't.I kept on trying but it just wasn't processing the nicotine and the experience like it did before.



Jessi at midroll:

We will get back to the conversation in just a moment.

If you are listening to today’s story and feeling a bit of that familiar tension in your own journey, I want to share a resource with you. We all know that a craving is just a temporary sensation, but when you are in the middle of it, that feeling can take up a lot of space.

I put together a free minicourse called How to Survive a Craving. It is a collection of the specific tools and mindset shifts I used to navigate those hard minutes and stay connected to my true desire to quit.

You can grab it for free at honoryourheart.net/craving so you have those tools ready for the next time you need them.

Now, let’s head back to today’s episode.



Jessi:

Oh, that's so amazing. That's really, really helpful to move out of it. Because a lot of times, we can romanticize it and put it on a pedestal. Like, “It's so great and it's so helpful for this thing.”


And if we can kind of lose that or just question that and sit with that. And things change, then it can be really helpful to let go. Because then it's like, “Yeah, it's not doing what it used to do for me.”


Danielle:

So yeah exactly. Like it just didn't give me that sense of relief.


I also too will share with you from a cultural perspective. I feel like when I was younger it was all about, “Don't smoke. Don't smoke.” Like all the marketing was like, “Don't smoke.”


But now, I think the smoking culture, I'm sure as you know, has shifted. And tobacco products are moving away from smoking to like vaping. I feel like I was almost, not like the last generation, but I saw there has been a big shift in that. In the marketing and the consumerism of tobacco products.


I've never vaped. I never got into that when I was done smoking. And I don't remember the exact moment I was like, "That was my last cigarette." I was kind of just over it. I was just like, "Yeah."


Jessi:

Oh, that's beautiful. I like that, too. Because I didn't like to count days or anything like that.


Danielle:

Yeah, not like, "Well, your last one or like this is my last pack." It was like, "Yeah." Like, it kind of just happened. I will be honest with you, like I didn't have a goal of stopping it. It kind of just organically happened, which I don't know if that's normal or not.


Jessi:

No, everyone has their own way with it. So when I quit I didn't really expect it to be my last time either. But then everything lined up. And I was like, “Yeah I'm going to do this.”


Danielle:

Yeah. Exactly. Because I also know, as you know too. obviously nicotine is a drug and it's addictive.


That was the other thing too when I consciously, when I got older and started learning more about what I was putting in my body. I was like, “Yeah, like the point of this product is it's addictive. The chemicals in it it's supposed to make you want it more.”


When I consciously logically understood that, that was I think a big turning point too. When I was like, "Oh, like yeah, like this thing is made for me to keep at it.”


Kind of like our phones, the attention span, like it's made for you to keep on going. You know, I didn't stop right away. But just having that awareness was super helpful, too.


Jessi:

Yeah. And that can help us when we have that rebellious spirit, when we maybe have authority issues. Or like, “Don't tell me what to do.” Because a lot of people, including me, fall into smoking for that.


If you can kind of shift that and be like, "No, man. They want me to smoke. They're trying to trap me.” It's kind of like fun to stand up to that, I guess.


Danielle:

Yeah, be like, "No, like you don't have control over what I do and my habits and where I spend my money." That's another thing, too. Like, they're expensive.


Jessi:

Yeah.


Danielle:

I don't care what socioeconomic class you're in. But to spend I mean, I forget how much they were when I was in high school. But to spend like $17 on something. That can get a lot of other places too.


And not to say the whole time, when I decided to quit. And when I was smoking on and off, I was very fine financially. But look at the money and you're like, “That adds up.”


Think how many years that you smoked and like you could have invested that money or you could have spent it on other things. You could do whatever. And you look at it you're like, “Oh my gosh, like that's a lot of money.”


Jessi:

And you can invest that into things that are more sustainable for you and keep you on a better track than that.


Danielle:

Exactly.


Jessi:

I know you're like an expert in this and you have probably like a thousand different tools that you use. But what's one tool that helps you regulate with stress, that you’re able to use instead of smoking?


Danielle:

Honestly, this is a very simple tool and people don't even think of it as a tool. And I know when I say this you're going to be like, “Duh.” But just breathing.


Take 3 minutes and just sit with yourself. And just take as many deep breaths as you need. Don't focus on anything else and just breathe.


Breath work for me works really well. And also too, all the simple things right? Like I was actually talking about this with somebody earlier.


Of course I have many coping mechanisms and tools and therapies. But when it comes to bodily sensations, like stress ,and I know too to manage my anxiety. I also know drinking water for me works. Like it just cools down my body. It hydrates me.


I will say also, too for those people that suffer with like really bad anxiety. Our vagus nerve is the nerve that runs through our whole body and it runs through your chest. So, I put ice packs on my chest sometimes if I'm like really, really anxious. Just also to cool my body temperature down.


But those are just a couple things that really help if I'm in a state of just stress instead of going to an unhealthy coping mechanism.


Jessi:

The breath is free. [laughter]


Daniellie:

[laughter] Well, yeah, that too. Like I go back to breath work because I feel like it's one of those things. Not even breath work. I'm not like a somatic coach or anything, but I'm like, “Just breathe.”


Even just taking like one big deep breath in, it does wonders for you. I use it in between meetings. Now, I'm definitely more regulated. But on days that I have a lot going on and I'm like, "Ooh, we could have a stressful day today."


I just take a couple minutes in between my calls. And just close my eyes. And just breathe in and breathe out until I feel more settled in my body.


Jessi:

And it's funny because it kind of mirrors the smoking behavior. That deep inhale with that long exhale. So that's what I found too was also really helpful for me.


Danielle:

Yeah.


Jessi:

And then it made me more grateful too for that life force. It's so precious and sustains us. And just to connect with that, it feels good to be alive, to be healthy.


Danielle:

Yeah. Exactly. And it's also too, you're breathing in oxygen instead of smoke and all that stuff. You know what I mean? Like you're giving to your body when you're breathing.


Jessi:

And then to take that moment too, like you were talking about with like the crazy chaos of a party or life. To take that break. To take that moment to be alone. I feel like that's what a lot of people get out of smoking.


And we're able to take those things out and use them to calm ourselves. But lose the smoking, ditch the smoking.


Danielle:

Yeah. But also it's one of those things that, now that you say that, it's like I feel like now with the work that we do. Not to say that I'm an outlier, but it's one of those things that you can do alone.


Even though yes, like people do it for belonging and to be social. But it's one of those things like you can do it on your own and by yourself. And you don't need anybody else to do it with you. There is a certain level of power to that.


Jessi:

Yes.


Danielle:

Like, you know, individualism. But there's that side of it, too. Of course, at parties when I was younger, like some of us smoked and some of us didn't. And but I remember sometimes it's being outside alone and just be like, "Yeah, like that's something I could do."


Jessi:

Yeah. When we give ourselves the permission.


Danielle:

Like kind of an escape. Yeah.


Jessi:

Yeah. Well, someone that's in it, they're struggling. Maybe they're in that on and off cycle. They know they want to quit. But they keep finding their way back to it. It keeps sneaking back in their life. What word of advice would you have for them?


Danielle:

I will normalize and say like it is very hard to break because it's a habit. Let's be honest, smoking is a habit.


And you would agree with me here. You have to dig deep and figure out what is causing the habit. And it's not just like, “Oh yeah, like I'm relieving stress.” You have to go deeper than that.


I mean, I did some very deep healing work, you know. I also too, I don't know if I shared this on my podcast. I'll share it here, like I lost my mother in my mid 20s. Talk about a stressor, you know what I mean? Like that was a huge thing. Then you know of like unhealthy coping mechanism.


But once I started digging deeper to be like, “What am I doing?” I don't want to say smoking numbed me. But like. “What was I using it to escape from?” Like later in life.



Because you know it makes sense in the beginning and the social part of it and the belonging. But when I feel like I had a solid identity in my mid 20s to late 20s. “Why was I still holding on to this?”


I was like, “You have to dig deeper Danielle and figure out what is this habit serving. What void is it filling?” Then when I found that answer, it was like, “Yeah.” I just continued on my healing journey.


You have to find whatever the root cause is and then fix that root cause. I know it sounds so easy. But then everything else kind of falls into place and then you get to fix your habits. I'm sure you know the book, the James Clear Atomic Habits.


Jessi:

I haven’t


Danielle:

Oh, really? It's a book called Atomic Habits. And he has in the book, I love this quote, and I use it all the time. It's that, “We don't rise to the level of our goals, but we fall to the level of our systems.”


If you replace smoking with a certain practice or a certain habit and you consistently do that, you're going to probably succeed doing that. Versus just telling yourself, "My goal is to quit smoking."


So, you have to kind of like create a system or a practice, to follow that isn't related to smoking at all. And start doing that and smoking will maybe just go away on its own.


Jessi:

Brilliant advice there. Thank you for sharing.


Danielle:

Yeah, thank you. And thank you for having me.


Jessi:

Yeah, I'm so excited to have you on here and to talk with you. And talk to us more about your podcast and your work and how people can get in touch with you.


Danielle:

Absolutely. So, my podcast is the Feeling and Healing Podcast. Jessi was on it.


We talk about all things mental health and creating spaces for feeling and healing. And you can find the podcast on YouTube@FeelingandHealing as well as Apple Podcast and Spotify.


All of my handles everywhere, my websites, Daniellezmft.com is my website. And then everywhere is just Daniellezmft.


Jessi:

And do you want to talk more about your coaching?


Danielle:

Yeah, absolutely. Really, as I said, I'm very passionate about not even just my smoking journey, but my whole mental health journey. It has been a lot of inner work.


And I like to say, I work with people on going from surviving to really shining in their life and really living. What I like to say, whole living. So that to me is having a lot of inner peace. Doing inner work to get you there to feeling worthy. And also to feel like you want to be seen in this world.


So I do a bunch of programs with my clients to do a lot of inner self work, defining your core values, gaining some self-awareness. So then you can walk through the world as your most true, authentic self.


Jessi:

I think that all aligns perfectly with quitting smoking.


Danielle:

Yeah, exactly. Now that you said that and this just popped into my head because now I'm going into my therapist brain. Because I'm going back to school to be a therapist.


Smoking to me was a protective part. It was protecting me from something. I was hurt. So it was protecting me. And I had to do the healing to have that protective part to heal it. I had to heal that protective part.


Jessi:

I have a very similar journey so I understand.


Danielle:

Yeah. That like literally just came to me. I was like, "Oh my god, Danielle, that was a protective part." I was like, "Yeah."


Jessi:

And that helps too with, like I don't know if you've had any, regret. It seems like it didn't affect you too much physically. But some of us, you know, I've got gum disease and rosacea and all like these lasting effects from it.


So, it was very hard for me to come to terms with that, with what I had lost and the wasted time and things like that. But it helps me have compassion for myself when it's like, “That was my protective mechanism. That was my way to survive at that time.” So I think that can be really helpful to us.


Danielle:

Absolutely. You should give yourself grace. Because I will share with your listeners. like we all are only human.


And that's another thing too with your story and this just came to my head. Our brains, we will always… And I know I said that like, “Oh form another system.” That's not easy. This is why, as you know, it takes people so long to quit smoking. You know what I mean?


Like for me, I struggle going to the gym. I'm trying my best to do something better. But nothing has worked out for me. But I'll figure that out. That's something for another podcast or another episode.


But your brain and your nervous system is built, even if it's unhealthy, it's built to go on patterns.


Jessi:

Yes.


Danielle:

So that's why if smoking is a pattern that is familiar to your nervous system, it's going to go to that. Because that's what it knows. And it doesn't matter if it's unhealthy or not. And breaking that pattern, oh, it's hard.


Jessi:

It is hard, but worth it. It's worth the work and the patience with yourself.


Danielle:

Yeah. I always say like you have life lessons. You learned it, you know, of course. And you're taking that learning and you're also doing something beautiful and taking your experience and helping others with it. And that's amazing.


Jessi:

You don't know where it's going to lead. So it helps me too that I'm in a place that I'm happy. And I couldn't have gotten here if I hadn't done everything I'd done. Even with the mistakes or the wrong turns I took. It all led to here.


So I learned to be grateful for it now. But yeah, it can help when you understand those parts with some compassion like you said. I really really appreciate that.


And I appreciate you coming on here and sharing everything. And telling us your story, sharing your knowledge, your wisdom with us. And just want to thank you so much.


Danielle:

Thank you, Jessi. I appreciate it.


Jessi:

All right, everyone. Take care. I'll see you next week.



End of Interview

I hope today's story inspired you as much as it did me. When we hear stories like this, it’s a powerful reminder that change is possible. If you're ready to start taking those steps for yourself, I'd love to help.

I’ve put together a free minicourse called How to Survive a Craving to help you access tools to get through temporary cravings and holdfast to your true desire to quit smoking. This course is the stuff I wish I knew when I was practicing quitting and I’ve put what worked for me in one place for you. You can grab your copy right now by visiting honoryourheart.net/craving

Until next time, remember to treat yourself with kindness and to cherish the gifts of your heart. I'll talk to you soon.​