Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.

Jessi:

Hey everyone, welcome back. I'm so happy today I'm joined by Connie. Connie, can you introduce yourself?


Connie:

Hi, my name's Connie Stapleton. I am a licensed psychologist. I work in the addiction and recovery field myself.


I live in Atlanta, Georgia. I have three grown children, an amazing husband of forever, and seven grandkids.


I do a podcast as well. So, I love being on your podcast. Thanks for having me.


Jessi:

Thanks for being here. I'm so excited to hear, what's your story with smoking?


Connie:

Oh gosh, probably like a lot of people, I grew up in a household where both my parents smoked. I grew up in the 60s and I think pretty much everybody smoked. Every adult I knew smoked and they also drank. So I thought that when you grew up and you were an adult, you smoked and you drank.


When I got into high school, my girlfriend and I were in a program that our high school did called I'll Never Smoke. And it was a way for us to get out of school basically. And so what we did was we went around elementary schools and we had the jar with the nasty lung in it, right? And we were supposed to go around and talk to elementary school kids about how bad smoking is for you. And of course, we had a pack of cigarettes with us.


And so what we would do is we would smoke a cigarette after we went and talked about I'll Never Smoke because we were cool, right? We got out of high school and we were smoking cigarettes while we went around talking about not smoking.


I didn't smoke a lot in high school really, but when I went to college, I started smoking. So when I would go home and I would go out to dinner like with my family or something. My boyfriend and my dad would smoke, and I'd be like, "Oh, here I'll light your cigarette for you." And finally, my dad says to me one day, "If you want your own cigarette, just have one." And it was very embarrassing, but I was like, "Okay." So then I did.


There's six of us in my family. And I’m pretty sure all the six kids smoked at one point or another. And I had an experience that just haunted me for forever.


When I was in sixth grade, I was having a little sixth grade fight with a sixth grade girl. You know how girls can be. And she said something. She said, "Well, at least I don't smell." And it haunted me for years.


Because I grew up in a small house with six kids and two parents who smoked. And they were not chain smokers, but the closest thing to it. And I'm sure our house smelled horrible when I think back on it. And I'm like, "God, I'm sure all of our clothes smelled. And I'm sure my hair smelled.” Oh god, it just mortified me for years.


So I went to college and I was smoking. And I worked in a bar and I'm used to smoke. But I worked in this small bar and it was the most god-awful smoke filled place I have ever been in. I swear. And I would come home and go to bed. And in the morning I'd pick up my uniform thing that I had worn. I was like, "Oh my god!” It just reeked so badly.


And I was a smoker, but it always bothered me. It always bothered my lungs to some degree. I was like, “I don't even know if I like this.” I just did it because that's what we all did.


And I would go home to my parents. Then I started becoming aware of how bad their house smelled because I was out of it, out of the house.


And then I had a child when I got married and I was pregnant. I quit smoking during that time and started right back up after he was born and I smoked for a couple years.


I was in sales and I remember I went into somebody's house one time. And this is when people were starting to quit smoking. It was in the ‘80s and I was still smoking. So I went into a house one time and the people that I was selling said to me, "You're a smoker, aren't you?" And I was like, "Yeah, how did you know?" And they said, "We smell it on you." And I was like, "Oh god." Again, I'm mortified.


I was also drinking. Like I said, everybody smoked and drank where I came from. So, I was drinking fairly heavily and I had three kids. And I'm like, "This isn't good. This isn't good." So, I cut back on my drinking.


But at the same time, I was being seen for migraine headaches. And they put me on Codeine, pain medication with Codeine. And I was one of those people that before I knew what hit me, I was addicted to this pain medication.


So when my kids were three and five, I went into an outpatient treatment program and discovered that…Well I knew there was addiction all through my family. I thought I had escaped it. I don't know why I thought that because I was acting just like everybody else in my family. But anyway, I went through this treatment program and I had quit smoking then I think for about a year.


But when I went into the treatment program, I started smoking again. Like that made any sense, right? Because again, everybody in the treatment center was smoking, right? But this was like in 1989.


So by that point I had probably been smoking seven or eight years, not real long. And I really didn't like it. So a year after I went through the treatment program, I quit smoking.


And about that same time, my father was diagnosed with COPD. And I watched him over the next couple of years go in the hospital and come out of the hospital. And I didn't go home. Now, I was living in Texas, but I would go home to Iowa once in a while.


And I would watch him stand at the bottom of our stairs because the house was two levels. He would stand there just for the longest time like gearing up to walk up those stairs. And I was like, "My god, I can't imagine what it would be like not to be able to breathe to walk up a flight of stairs." It just was heartbreaking to me. And he ended up dying of COPD within a couple of years.


My parents had divorced when I was in college. And then my mom was a diehard smoker. Like when I say diehard smoker, she was the person who said, "By God, nobody's going to tell me where I can smoke. Nobody's going to tell me when I can smoke. I'll smoke until my last breath." “Got it, Mom.”


So my husband was a previous smoker, too, but he had quit before I met him. And I am now smokefree for 20 some years. And I'm like, "You're not smoking in our house iff you're going to come and live with us.” We were living in Georgia at that time. She moved from Iowa and we were like, "You're not smoking in our house."


So, she kept smoking, but she would smoke outside. And she had the cough, the cough, the cough, the cough. And too was diagnosed with COPD. So, over the seven years she lived with us, I saw the same trajectory as my dad; she got worse and worse and worse.


And I would go to the doctor with her, the pulmonologist. She would lie to him. He'd ask her these questions and she would just flat out lie. And I'm in the background going, "No! Yes, she is smoking all the time."


So, she went to Iowa to visit family and I was up there, too. And we were in the car and she was asking me, she's like, "Well, your kids speak German." And I was like, "I have no idea what you're talking about because my children definitely do not speak German." And so she was talking all this weird stuff and I'm like, "What is going on with her?"


So I left to go back to Georgia and my sister called me later. My sister said that my mom had been put in the hospital and her oxygen was really low and her carbon dioxide was high. So that's why she was thinking kind of crazy. I didn't realize that was a thing. And so as time went on anytime she would be talking kind of like “Hmmm..?” And I'm like, “What?” I was like, “Oh my god. I know what's the matter with her.”


Finally, the doctor told her, "One more cigarette and you'll die." And so, my mother, diehard smoker, “I'll never quit smoking.” She had to quit smoking. Because she was put on oxygen. And so, she was still living with me. And so, we had the oxygen tank in the house.


And her health of course was getting worse and worse and worse. I swear to God, the woman gained 60 lbs because she started eating excessively in lieu of the smoking. And like a lot of people, she got pneumonia and she was hospitalized. And at that point in time, she was on the oxygen.


But at that point, because of the damage, they told her she would have to be on a bipap machine all the time. It would be required for living. And at that point, she said, "I don't want any more treatment." She said, "I'm done."


And so we called all of the family together, and she talked to each one of us one at a time. And she said to me words I never thought I would hear my mother say because she knew I worked as a psychologist in addiction and in recovery. I went into that field after I went through treatment. I went back to school. Long story.


But she said, "If there's one thing you do in this world, please get people to stop smoking." And I thought, "Wow, that coming from my mom who was, nobody's going to tell her she couldn't smoke."


And when I saw that you did a podcast on that, I thought, “Well, I have not dedicated my life to trying to get people to quit smoking.” Although in my work in addiction and recovery, I definitely tried to get people off of all addictive substances, including nicotine. But I thought, "Oh my gosh, this would be a way for me to honor my mother."


And interestingly enough, I have a sister who is a nurse who still smokes. There's five girls, one boy. Three of my sisters still smoke constantly. And I'm like, “You saw them die, right?” And one's a medical professional. I'm like, “For the life of me, right?”


And so I wanted to come on your podcast and just share. I know it's a powerful, powerful addiction. I’ll tell you another little story about one of my sisters who is a smoker and this is how powerful this addiction can be.


She and her husband were separated and he had a pretty serious drug addiction. And my sister is a smoker. And she's living in an apartment, a low rent, low housing apartment. And one of the stipulations is you can't smoke in there or you could be evicted. So I went to visit her and she's smoking.


I'm like, “What are you doing? You could get evicted. Where are you going to live? You're on low income housing. What are you thinking?” And right before this happened, she was giving me this long story about her husband she was separated from, about he uses his addiction as an excuse for this and for that and for all the things.


So I'm saying to her, "What are you doing smoking? You're going to get kicked out of this apartment." What she said to me was, "It's an addiction." I'm like, "Oh my god, do you hear yourself?" But she was willing to get kicked out of this place, the only place she could afford to live in because of this addiction.


So, yeah, I still have three sisters who smoke. And one of them is in very, very poor health and she's several years younger than I am. And the nurse has a lung x-ray every year just to make sure. I'm like, "Oh my god. What are you going to wait until you're on death's door? I don't know.”


Anyway, I know that I have some lung damage. They haven't diagnosed me with COPD. But I mean, I'm very active. I exercise. I walk miles and miles. And I do yoga. But if I do an incline, I can tell I've got some lung damage. But I'm grateful that I've been smoke free for 30 some years. But man, there's damage done.


Jessi at midroll:

We will get back to the conversation in just a moment.

If you are listening to these stories and feeling like your own journey is stuck in a loop of broken promises, please know that you do not have to do this alone. I currently have some spots available for one-on-one coaching.

I work with people to help them move out of the cycle of smoking and into a life where they finally feel in control. We use a heart-led framework to address the deeper patterns so your success is actually sustainable.

If you are ready to commit to the work, apply now at honoryourheart.net/application. I would love to support you on your way to reconnecting to yourself and moving past smoking. Now, back to the story.


Jessi:

Yeah, that must have been so hard to watch your parents go through that. Yeah, but I bet it probably solidified your choice.


Connie:

For sure. Absolutely. And it just saddens me, you know, that cigarettes are even still a thing, right? Honestly, I mean, it's pretty darn clear what they do to you.


Jessi:

Yeah. And everybody that's doing it now knows.


Connie:

Exactly.


Jessi:

So it's that cognitive dissonance where you end up making a story about it that makes it okay.


Connie:

Right? “It won't happen to me etc., etc.”


Jessi:

Yeah. So, I'm wondering about when you quit. You said that you were able to finalize quitting when you came out of outpatient. What did that process look like for you?


Connie:

Yeah. So, I decided on a quit date and I kept a pack of cigarettes in my house. What I did is every time I wanted a cigarette, I would drink water. That was how I quit smoking. I just drank a ton of water.


And honestly, I really wanted to quit too. I really had a strong desire. I really didn't like it. So, I had a very strong desire, a big why. You know, why are you doing it? “I don't want my kids doing this. I don't want my kids engaging in any addictive stuff. They're already set up genetically for addiction.”


Oh, my son was also in kindergarten and I didn't want him going to school telling him, "My mommy smokes, right?" I was like, "No, I don't want to be that mom." So, that was an incentive.


Jessi:

Or him smelling, repeating that cycle.


Connie:

Exactly. Yeah. So, water was how I quit, honestly.


Jessi:

That was helpful to me, too. When I tell people that, they're like, "What?" But I think that the hand-to-mouth is very soothing.


Connie:

Absolutely. It was.


Jessi:

When we're smokers, we tend to reach for a cigarette to solve any problem. So, it's like, “I'm thirsty, let me smoke. I'm hungry, let me smoke. I'm tired, let me smoke.” Which isn't really appropriate.


Connie:

And I know for me, weight has always been a thing in my family, and I didn't want to gain weight. So, I wasn't going to eat. So water was the go-to so I could have that hand-to-mouth but not put on 20 pounds.


Jessi:

And then so what kind of changes did you notice when you quit? You talked about your breathing improving somewhat but you still have some struggles. But were there other changes?


Connie:

I was coughing quite regularly and that completely went away at that time. I was still 30 or 31 years old. I was young. So that and I was so much more into health.


Because it was like I knew I was no longer killing myself with alcohol and cigarettes and so it was like I really wanted to change the generational thing where I wanted to be healthy. And so the water helped in that regard too.


Jessi:

I'm wondering, your confidence must have increased. Because you were talking about how whenever you were in spaces with other people that you were like, “Do I smell?” And you'd carried that since childhood. So what did that feel like?


Connie:

That was great. And it didn't really hit me until that person had said that when I was an adult in the sales. And I was like, “No matter where I go now, I don't have that.” People aren't going to go, "Ooh, she's a closet smoker." And that was really nice. And also, I did not want my kids to be like, "Yeah, my mommy smokes."


Jessi:

To break that cycle is unbelievable.


Connie:

Mhm. It did increase my confidence because I found out that I could do hard things. And that was just the start of taking a lot of healthy risks in my life.


But it does boost your confidence when you do something that for so many people is so so so difficult. And it's like, “Wow, okay, if I can do that, what else can I do?” And so it is confidence boosting.


Jessi:

Yeah. And the resilience, too, that you're able to bounce back. And like you said, not all damage can be reversed. But you're in pretty good shape, especially given your family history.


Connie:

Exactly. And just knowing that. Wow God, I can't imagine.


And the other thing, my sisters who are smokers, they look 20 years older than me. I mean, it just their skin. Oh my god. It's like, “You've got to be kidding me.” Sad.


Jessi:

Yeah. It ages. It takes so much away.


Connie:

Yeah. And I didn't even think about that when I was young, but now that I'm older, I'm like, "Oh, thank God."


Jessi:
Yeah. It catches up. It does. Yeah. I quit around 30 too. And you have so much of your life left. To not wait until you have to quit, with all that pressure. You get to enjoy.


Connie:

I'll tell you another thing. When my mom died, one of my sisters, the one who's probably the worst off because of her drinking and smoking. I remember her being around and my kids were there. Somebody said to somebody, "Let's go out for a cigarette." And she said, "You don't have to ask Connie's kids. Her kids wouldn't smoke.” Like we think we're all better than that.


It's not about that. It's really not. And I don't think I'm any better than anybody. I'm just grateful. Just so grateful for having made that choice.


Jessi:

Did you have any kind of that element? I know you were talking about smoking with friends and you guys felt like you were cool. Did you have any of that left over that you were battling?


Connie:

No, I was really ashamed of smoking by that time. Yeah, I really was. I mean, my husband didn't smoke and the people he worked with didn't smoke. And the people I worked with didn't really smoke either.


Just the people I went through treatment with all smoked. So, I smoked during that time and then I quit. So, there was shame associated with it for me.


Jessi:

Me, too. That was a big motivation for me to quit. Just to prove to myself that I could and let some of that shame go. Because it's hard to live that way.


Connie:

Yeah.


Jessi:

What were some of the thoughts you were having? Because you said that you didn't really like it. So some people are like, “I love it. I can't live without it. It's great.” So, what kind of thoughts were you having?


Connie:

I don't know. I just think I felt it. I think it really just hurt my lungs. I think it was like, “Why am I doing this? I don't like it. I don't like the taste of it. I don't like the way it feels. Why am I doing this?”


Jessi:

So, why would you do it? Just you felt like you had to? What was the thought that was pulling you back to it?


Connie:

As I'm thinking about that, like I said, there's six kids. And I felt like because I had quit drinking, they already thought that I thought I was better than them, right? And I thought, well, this is a way to still be part of my family. That's a dumb reason, right? It's like, “They don't like me that much anyway.”


Jessi:

That's real. You got to hurt yourself to belong.


Connie:

Mhm.


Jessi:

Yeah. It's the family pattern. I can relate to that big time.


Connie:

Good point.


Jessi:

I'm wondering for someone that's in it, they're struggling. They've tried to quit maybe and gone back to it. They're feeling stuck with it. They don't really know what to do to get out. What word of advice would you give to them?


Connie:

I'd say dig deep and think about what matters in my work that I do. I call it meaningful matters. It's like what's meaningful to you? What matters the most?


It's like digging into your values and saying, "Will this cigarette move me closer to or further from what I say? I want a longer life. Set a good example, better health.” So, every cigarette is going to move you away from those things if those are your values.


And living a life that is in accordance with our values is a much more satisfying life than constantly going, "Why am I doing this? I hate myself for doing this.” And the constant beating yourself up.


Jessi:

That fight within. That makes a lot of sense. That's great advice.


So, talk to us more about your work. You mentioned that you worked with addiction recovery.


Connie:

So, I went through my own treatment program at 29 and then I went through several years of therapy with my husband. We put our kids in a little kiddy program. Because my husband and I both did not want to repeat that cycle. So, we knew we didn't have the skills.


And it's a lot like quitting smoking or whatever. It's like you quit smoking and then you're like, "Well, what do I do now?" And so a lot of people will pick up a different unhealthy habit until they learn skills.


And we were pretty ill-equipped for a lot of things, it turned out. Such as how to know how to have a healthy relationship, to know how to be good parents, all the things. So I swear we spent a solid four years in different forms of therapy, individual, group, couples, family, all the things.


And we learned how to deal with stress without smoking. We learned how to deal with communication without fighting, without turning to a pill to make myself feel better, without all those things. We learned a lot of skills. And I thought, “You know what? This life is so much more amazing than anything I ever knew existed.”


So, I thought, “I want to be part of helping other people realize it doesn't have to be that way. It doesn't have to be that. You don't have to follow suit or hide from life or your feelings or your past or whatever or your present in addictive behavior.”


And so after I went to therapy for a lot of years, then I went.. I already had an undergrad degree in nothing related to psychology. But I went back and got a Master's in counseling and then a PhD in psychology.


I work mostly with food addiction actually and weight issues. That's pretty much what I've done for 20 some years.


So that's what my podcast is about. It's called Weight Loss Winformation. And it's dealing with the psychological aspects. And I could do the podcast equally for smoking you know.


Jessi:

Yeah. Same patterns across these different behaviors.


Connie:

Yes, those addictive behaviors. So it's just a lot of psychological issues. It's like, “Why do I do things that damage myself? Is there low self-esteem involved? Am I not dealing with some past trauma or am I avoiding my relationship?” It's all those kinds of things about how to handle those. So, if you're a smoker, my podcast would be equally helpful like yours is.


Jessi:

Yeah. And a lot of us have clusters of addiction, too.


Connie:

You are so right. Yeah. Very rarely does one person just have one. And then they play whack-a-ole. I played whack-a-mole addiction for a long time.


Jessi:

Same. Yeah. Well, that's awesome work. Thank you for doing that because I feel like that's something that's not really discussed.


Connie:

You know what? And I kind of ended up in that little niche field because I started out wanting to work in the alcohol and drug field, but there are so many people. I mean it's great.


I love that there are so many people in the alcohol and drug field who are helping people learn the skills and learn the tools. They had that aftercare program that taught you how to live without your fix and gave you coping skills.


There was nobody doing that in the bariatric surgery. There's nobody doing it in the GLP1 field when I started anyway 20 some years ago. There are a lot more people now. But even in smoking, there's a lot more people working to help people work through the underlying issues.


So, yeah, it's all the same. Addiction's an umbrella. But that's kind of where I landed.


Jessi:

Well, how can someone get in touch with you?


Connie:

I have a website, ConnieStapletonPhd.com. And my podcast is Weight Loss Winformation.


But I got to tell you, I love that you do this. What a great resource for people.


I love doing it. I love connecting with former smokers. I just feel like there's something amazing about us. like we pushed through. We got to the other side. We found something out about ourselves. It wasn't easy for most of us, but it changed our lives for the better.


Connie:

Yeah. But I love what you're doing. You've taken something that's really devastating and made it into something so helpful and useful. Thank you for doing this.


Jessi:

Well, thank you for coming on and sharing your story with vulnerability.


Connie:

You're welcome. Thanks for having me. I appreciate it.


Jessi:

I really appreciate your time and your wisdom. Thank you.


Okay, take care everyone. See you next week.


Connie:

Bye.




End of Interview

Thank you so much for spending time with us today. I hope this episode reminded you that no matter how long you have been stuck, a new way of living is always possible.

I have some open coaching spots available right now for those who are ready to commit to their path of doing the inner work to quit smoking for good.

Head over to honoryourheart.net/application to apply now. I am looking forward to helping you move confidently forward.

Until next time, treat yourself with kindness and cherish the gifts of your heart.​