Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.

Jessi:

Hey everyone, welcome back. I'm here today with Kam. Kam, can you introduce yourself?


Kam:

Thank you for having me. My name is Kam Knight. I am a mentor, international speaker, and author of a dozen books, that you see behind me, in the area of mental, physical, and emotional performance.
Now, I talk about a concept called internal resistance, which answers the question I had my whole life. Why is it if I want to do something, I know what to do, I know how to do it, and I have the motivation, desire to do it, but for one reason or another, I can't do it? And in a way, it's not just about why is it I can't do what I want. But stop doing what I don't want and in this case, smoking.


Jessi:

Yeah, that sounds perfectly applicable.


Kam:

Yeah.


Jessi:

The struggle that I went through and so many others do. So, talk to us about your story. What's your story with smoking?


Kam:

So, I started smoking when I was young, in high school. I had a good friend in junior high and parts of high school. And he was one of those guys that was connected to more of the popular kids. And I was the guy that wasn't.
So I was a bit of a shy, I don't want to use the word nerd. But you know, let's just say I wasn't the most popular kid in the block. He was one of those people who I hung around with. And when we got into high school, I think he wanted to fit in more. And he started to smoke and drink.
He introduced it to me because I didn't really have much going on. Then I'm like, "Cool, I'll try it." And if it helped me to become more, I guess “popular” or liked by the more affluent kids in school, in unconscious ways, I thought, “Why not?”

And I say unconscious because a lot of this stuff was playing out without me realizing. But in hindsight, I do realize there was a strong desire for connection with kids who had, I guess, higher status than I did. It didn't become a habit really in high school.
But then when I graduated and got into college, I became good friends with another person. And he smoked quite a bit and the people that we hung around smoked as well. And so just by being around people who did, I did as well.


Jessi:

And what was it like that first time that you tried it? Did you have any reaction? Did it make you feel a certain way about yourself? Did it bring a closer connection that you were looking for?


Kam:

No. Well, you know, the first couple times I got that buzz. Because it's a very stimulating feeling, it was hard to take in. Which is kind of interesting because you're seen as weak if you can’t. So then there was a desire to be able to be tough enough or strong enough to be able to take a cigarette inhale without coughing or the other negative reactions.

So, I can't say it gave me that connection, but at a certain point when I was in college and I was hanging around more people who were doing it, it just kind of became a thing. People who I would go to bars with or spend my night life with, they were smoking. Even though during the day they were probably studious.

Yeah. In a way, by the time we got into college, it was a way to relieve that social anxiety. So, I didn't quite feel comfortable around people all the time. I didn't know what to do or to be saying. So, it was nice to be able to hold something that felt like I was doing something that didn't make me feel like I was being awkward or anything. And so, the cigarette thing was one of those things that kind of played out.


Jessi:

Totally can relate to that. It can be a comfort or something to do with our hands when we have that nervous energy. And so, how did it develop from there then?


Kam:

Because I was always around it. All I had to do was, "Hey, can I grab.." There's different names for it back then. I don't know if the names are the same. They used to call it a square.

It was interesting because back home friends from my high school that I was still kept in contact with during winter and summer breaks they smoke. People I live with smoke and then some of my friends in college, who I didn't live with, also smoke. So I had enough people around who, the word was bum. “Can I bum a cigarette?” That anytime I wanted to I could.

What was really good that I did is, I made a commitment to myself that I would never buy a pack of cigarettes. That was one of the biggest things that was really helpful. So if I wasn't around people, then I had this thing that kept me from going down a bigger spiral than I could have, which was buying it. So since I never bought it, it never got as bad as it could have been.
Jessi:

And did you have that desire to buy it when you were by yourself? Did you have to wrestle with that or is it something that was out of sight out of mind?


Kam:

It did come up from time to time. And it did come up that I wanted to wrestle with it. But I think a part of me just knew as soon as I bought my own pack then it would be a bigger struggle because then I could just buy it whenever I wanted. I think I did buy a pack here and there but very sparingly and I was on guard of not to do it more than once or twice.


Jessi:

Yeah, it's difficult once you cross that line to go back. So all these people that you're spending time with, what did they think about it? Were they like, "Hey, you need to get your own." Or were they just happy to share with you?


Kam:

Yeah, well luckily back then it wasn't as expensive as it is right now. Right? So, more often than not, they were happy to share with me.
In fact, we humans like to have other people join us on our vices. So, a lot of times when we're doing something we shouldn't be doing and we know it's bad for us, we want others to do it with us. So, I think more often than not, they were happy to have me join them in this vice.


Jessi:

Yeah. You get that validation when you have someone else. It's like, "Oh, it's okay." And it just feels more acceptable. I can relate to that, too.


Kam:

Yeah. Because it's kind of like drinking. When someone's not drinking, there's this need to make them drink so we can feel better about themselves that we're drinking.


Jessi:

[laughter] Yeah.


Kam:

And it's the same with smoking. And if somebody's not doing it, it actually makes us feel bad that we are doing it. It's easier to get someone to join us than to stop ourselves. So, I think I was around enough people who are very happy to have me join them.

Especially when you're stepping outside for a break, like a smoke break. Some people just want company or have someone to hang out with them while they're having that smoke break. It was never really a problem.

Now, I will say there were times when I would ask for a cigarette and people would say no. Or they would kind of get a little defensive and say something like, “Get your own.” But from my experience, it was far and few between. Instead, it was more people willing to have somebody join them in this activity.


Jessi:

I'm wondering, you just felt more comfortable when you were asking for one? It just was a way for you to connect, to feel included? What were some of more of the things that you wanted out of it when you were asking, "Hey, can I have a cigarette?"


Kam:

To be honest, I don't fully know, right? And the reason I say that is because our unconscious works in very interesting and oftentimes cryptic ways. So, there's many reasons that could have triggered the desire for it. All I know is that the desire would be triggered. I would ask for it and I found myself doing it.

It didn't lead to something that could have been much worse. I was probably doing it about three to five times a day. So, I was getting enough for it to possibly create a problem, but because I wasn't buying it, it didn't go beyond that.

Now, what was really driving it? It did feel cool when I was doing it. So, you know, when you have a few drinks and you light up a cigarette, there's this feeling. And marketing did a good job of making smoking really cool. And so when I'm hanging around friends talking about stupid stuff and we're smoking and just that inhale.

If I were to guess what I was truly getting was that feeling cooler than I was or just that I'm cool doing this thing around some people and having fun conversation.


Jessi:

And there can be a power to it sometimes as well where you feel like you have control over the way you're seen or the way you feel.


Kam:

Now that you said that, it did feel nice of how I was seen. And I think when I would smoke, I would smoke in a way where if somebody saw me, they would say like, "Oh, wow. That's a cool kid," or, "That's a cool guy," or, "Look at the way he's smoking." And I know I had a little bit of that going on. So, yeah.


Jessi:

So, what changed then with smoking?


Kam:

It wasn't something I fully enjoyed. And I went back and forth quite a bit. I knew it was something I wanted to stop, so I would be able to stop for short periods and then I would start up again.
And then if I was around people or if I had a rough day at work or I was around a gathering in the evenings where everyone was just smoking, it would be a nice way to just do something maybe without having to feel like I'm talking. Or as a break from all the socializing, just kind of step away and smoke or just step outside and smoke.

But now as I am talking and thinking and my brain is triggering memories of all the times I did it and all the people I was around when I was doing it. And in the moments that I actually did light up, it was to just feel a little bit cooler and a little bit more in control of the situation.
Again, it wasn't something I enjoyed. I knew it was not healthy and I did want to stop. And I would go through these spurts where I would stop and then start up again and then I would stop and I start up again.

And I remember how that pattern worked because as soon as I started up with one, my brain is like, “Well, you've just done one, so why don't you just enjoy the rest of the night?” And then I would enjoy it for the rest of the night and the next day is like, “Well, you did it one time, why don't you just do it for the weekend?” And then it kind of led back into a pattern again.

So although I would stop, my mind had a really great way of saying, “You know, one time is not going to be bad, just do it and it'll be a cool connection” or whatever. My mind would use that one to lead me to another. And then for that night. And then for the weekend. And then after that it became a pattern again that required stopping.

And this is actually a good time to bring up a concept that I call the tricks of resistance. And the concept is when our brain wants to stop us from doing something or wants us to continue doing something, it's very deceptive and sneaky in how it does it.

So when I talk about resistance, I talk a lot about it in respect of productivity and doing more. So a lot of people want to take more action, but they find themselves not being able to. And when they're not able to, the brain doesn't go, "Hey Jessi, you know this thing that you're trying to do, well, it goes against our belief, so I can't let you do it." That's not what happens. The inaction shows up in sneaky ways.

One thing the brain will do, it'll have us put off the task, activity or goal for later. So, a desire will come up or a need to take action on something will come up. And then we'll go, "Oh, we'll do it later or we'll do it tomorrow or we'll do it this weekend or we'll do it next week." And then when the later or the tomorrow or the next arrives, we keep pushing it off.

And so, the opposite happens when it's something that we're trying to stop. And the trick is it'll say, "Oh, one more won't hurt." Or, "After this one, we'll stop." Or, "We've just done one. Why not just enjoy it for the rest of the day and then after we'll stop." And as long as it presents that carrot to go for one more or one more time, it'll just keep leading us with more carrots.

And every time we do the one more, we actually think we'll stop the next time. Or when we tell ourselves later, we actually think we'll do it later. But it's very sneaky how just a few “later” or a few “one more” can lead down to weeks, months, and even years of either not doing what we want or continuing to do something we want to stop. I hope that makes sense.


Jessi:

Absolutely. I want to talk more about why you think that the mind does that.


Kam:

With our brain, it's going to keep us in a pattern or has decided, “Hey, this is a pattern to continue.” Then it'll keep moving us forward in that direction.

I guess a deeper answer is, at least as it relates to wanting to do more things, anytime we have a desire that desire gets evaluated by a part of the brain that I call resistance. And it evaluates a desire using a whole host of criteria. And if the desire is not in line with any of the criteria, it will prevent action.

So now what are some of these criteria? They include things like beliefs, our habits, will it make us go out of our comfort zone? Is our self-image and identity in line with it or will it damage our self-identity or image? It goes deeper to things like core needs and authority issues and things of that nature.

And we can use the same criteria for the things that it keeps wanting us to do that are destructive. So when we look at smoking for a habit, we might have identified as somebody who smokes. So now it's become an identity. And if it's an identity, our brain is designed to keep us operating within the identities that we have formed and accepted. Even if it's unhealthy.

So if a person has an identity that, “I'm a smoker.”, then it's going to be hard for them to quit. So if they do want to quit or stop, then these tricks start coming up to make sure that we don't quit and stop.

But there's a really interesting criteria that doesn't get a lot of attention and it relates to authority issues. So authority issues relate to our unconsciously held attitudes toward authority figures such as parents, teachers, principles, priests, police officers, and even personal development mentors and coaches like ourselves. So I'm going to extend the definition to anyone who tells you or makes you feel obligated to do something.

And to illustrate what I mean, I'm going to share a really quick and powerful story. I had a friend whose parents always nagged and pestered him about cleaning his room. They nagged and pestered him so much that he became spiteful towards them and unknowingly carried that spite for decades. As a result, he lived a messy life simply out of spite. He didn't know why until he saw a therapist that his messy lifestyle was triggered by his parents from 20 years ago. The resistance was unconscious. He didn't know why he couldn't stay clean or organized, no matter how hard he tried.

So if we're growing up around people who are constantly telling us what to do, what not to do, and how to do it, and how not to do it, at a certain point, the brain gets fed up and doesn't want to listen to or do anything anyone says. Now, even if we grow up and want to do those things or it's going to be helpful to do those things, the authority issue response kicks in and prevents us from doing it.
And what's really interesting is that our authority issues can last a long time. We can go years or decades resisting an authority and as a result not do anything anyone's ever said or take any advice they've ever given. We can hold resentment to our grave.

And what that means is that this may be the reason why some people had difficulty studying because all the teachers telling them to study. This is also the reason why some people have a challenge or resistance to being on time because someone was always on their case about being timely. And this is also why some people have a hard time with diet and exercise because an overbearing mother or father wanted it so bad for them. So this is why someone could have resistance to doing something.

Now, it can also play out in the unhealthy habits and behaviors we picked up. So a person may have been told not to watch so much television or eat so much junk food and now they binge like it's going out of style. Or a person still drinks, smokes, or gets high to give the big F you to all the people who said it's bad for you.

So, a lot of times our behaviors, like cigarette smoking, come as an authority issue response. We were told not to do it and because we got fed up by our parents or teachers or whoever always telling us what to do, now we do these things just to spite them.

And what's really interesting about the authority issue response is oftentimes we don't even choose it. Just like a lot of our reasons for resistance is chosen by our unconscious and we find ourselves playing it out.

So in many ways many of us are doing or not doing what we're doing not because we want to do or not do them. But as a response to people that we grew up with telling us what to do. So a lot of times the actions we're taking in the life we're living are not because we want to, but in response to going against the advice that we receive.

And what's really fascinating is that our authority issues hurt no one else but ourselves. When we don't listen to the teacher, it doesn't hurt her grades. It hurts ours. When we don't listen to our parents, it doesn't necessarily affect their health. It affects ours.

And so when we look at a behavior like cigarette smoking, we're doing it. It's affecting us in negative ways, and we're trying to hurt the other person by not listening to them. But it's actually hurting ourselves, which is kind of really interesting.

But there is a deeper reason why we would continue to do something destructive like cigarette smoking beyond authority issues. And that has to do with connection and the pain of loneliness.
So I help people work through resistance and I developed a technique that can help break the barrier between our conscious and unconscious. And I take people into their unconscious to do the work and work through the resistance at the unconscious level. And if I take people deep enough, inevitably we hit this part where they're what they're really desiring is attention, affection, and approval or to be seen, to be known, to matter, and so on. Now, underneath that is loneliness.

So that's really the core of the human experience. It's kind of hard to imagine, but we humans at our very core have intense amounts of loneliness. And that's because we humans are pack animals. We evolved to live and survive in a pack. As a result, we developed various characteristics to make sure that we stay and stick within a pack. And one of those characteristics is a pain of loneliness that's constantly driving us to be around other people.

And we all have it, especially when we're young, we desire connection and contact and to be understood and things of that nature. Now, if we are growing up and we don't really receive that from our parents, we seek that from peers. And if we're not seeking that from healthy peers, we seek it from anywhere we can get it.

And so our brain will compromise our beliefs, our values, and even our health to make sure that we are connected to other people. And so if things like drinking and smoking makes us feel good enough to be around others or is what's needed to be around others, our brain will pull us in that direction. Even if we want to quit, the tricks will start coming up that will prevent us from quitting to make sure that we stay in this habit to ensure that we are going to have people around us.

In fact, a lot of people don't know this, but loneliness and isolation is like smoking 15 cigarettes a day. The health effect of isolation is really detrimental on the body. And on an unconscious level, the brain knows that. So if it knows if loneliness and isolation are that unhealthy, then it's very willing to pick up the habit of smoking as long as it can feel like it connects us and keeps us around people.

And advertisers know this. They've done a really good job of making cigarette smoking a cool and social thing, which is why so many people are drawn to it and they have a hard time quitting. It's not just the physical addiction. There's something deeper going on.

Jessi at Midroll:

Before we get back to the rest of the story, I want to speak to the pregnant moms listening. If you are navigating the stress of pregnancy while trying to stay smoke-free, please know you don’t have to do it alone. I created The Heart Within Sponsorship as a completely free, safe space for you to find emotional resources and community support. You can join us today by visiting honoryourheart.net. Now, let's get back to today's show.

Jessi:

That's a great breakdown. Thank you so much for tying it to marketing. Because I think that is so powerful that they're playing with these psychological strings that they know are going to keep us coming back and back and we don't understand why. Like you said, it's all lying in the subconscious. It's so difficult to get to those depths.

I have a two-part question. What are some tools that you use for yourself to tap into your subconscious? And I'm also wondering within the context of smoking, what category did your resistance fall in? And probably several, but what's a main one that you resonate with?


Kam:

I think authority issues played a lot in my life. Because I did grow up with parents and an older brother who were constantly telling me what to do and what not to do and how to do it and how not to do it. There was a certain point where my brain got fed up and didn't want to listen or take any advice.

What's really interesting about authority issues is even though I wanted to do the things that was going to be helpful, I went out and hired coaches and paid good money for advice, my authority issue response would kick in and reject a lot of the advice I was receiving. And so my authority issues really ran deep.

And so a lot of the unhealthy behaviors I was doing at a younger age really stem from that. And I think this is much more common than we realize. I think a lot of people who are doing things that are not healthy for them and they know it's not. It's coming from authority issues in a lot of ways.

And speaking of advertisements and media, advertisers and media also understand authority issues. They get people to start things and stay with them by using that authority issue response. And it's actually driven into a lot of products that are advertised to teens and young adults. They really play into that about being different, not listening to our parents or being fed up with what we're told to do and doing things on our own.

And so then the media reinforces a lot of the things that we're feeling. And because it's reinforcing it, it validates a lot of what we're doing. It becomes even harder to break these things because now the media is validating it. Yeah. So the authority issues played into it.

I do think that loneliness piece played into it. Because as I was growing up, I did have a strong need for connection. My parents were physically around but not mentally or emotionally. They were quite distant. There was nothing I could really get from them or even have any sort of conversations. My home wasn't really even a safe place to be most of the time.

So, I was out and about and I did hang around with some friends. But I don't know, for some reason, I was seeking a higher level of connection, like trying to be with the cool kids. So that really drew me into that. And as a result I just had these desires to do what they were doing or to do destructive things because I thought it would get me more attention and to be more liked. So those things played into it quite a bit.

And luckily my identity didn't get tied into being a smoker. I think if it did that's what would have led me to probably start buying cigarettes. But because it didn't, I think there was a barrier I was able to maintain that kept me from going too down into the rabbit hole of this habit.

Another behavior that keeps people in habits and patterns, especially if they don't want to, is they're just around people who are doing it. The way our mind and body works, we have an entire set of neurons called mirror neurons that are designed to mimic the thoughts, beliefs, attitudes, actions, and behaviors of others. So if we're just around people who are doing something, we're naturally going to pick it up.

To help a person understand just how deep this mimicking goes several years ago, I was in Thailand. And I had met a woman who had a very interesting accent. I was talking to her. I'm like, “You know, from your accent, it sounds like you're either German or Dutch.” She's like, “Yeah, I'm from Holland.” And I'm like, “From your accent, it sounds like you spent some time in Australia.” She's like, "Yeah, I just finished doing a two-year work abroad in the country." And I'm like, "From your accent, it sounds like you either lived in Sydney or Melbourne." And she's like, "Yeah, I lived in Melbourne."

Now, she had no idea that she picked up an accent. But just being around people, it kind of seeped into her. And it was enough that I was able to pick up on it because there was a point where I was traveling a lot and I could really hear the nuances of different accents. And I picked that up from her. And so this illustrates just by being around people, we literally can pick up the thoughts, thinking, beliefs, behaviors, habits of others.

If a person is hanging around people who smoke, regardless if they have authority issues or not, or regardless if they have a deep sense of longing to connect or be around others, they may find themselves picking up a smoke and then another one and another one. So that also played into it because when I was younger, I just seemed to be hanging around people who did it and I picked it up.

And this was one of the keys for me to quit. When I finally quit, the way I did it, it was by cutting everyone out who smoked. Like literally cut everyone out. And it wasn't easy because, you know, a lot of these people were friends of mine. The kind of friends who would really, if I ever needed anything, they'd be there for. And I had a lot of past experiences with them or history with them.
It wasn't an easy thing to do. But as soon as I did, my desire to smoke just went away. It was all about the people I was really hanging out with that was driving it.

And as far as subconscious stuff, there are a couple of tools that we can use for rewiring the subconscious. People can use things like visualization, NLP( neural linguistic programming). It's quite popular and it can help people break cigarette smoking.

But what I really like and what I use a lot in my life, not just in helping me break cigarette habits, but more or less anything I want to do is self-talk. For those who don't know, self-talk are statements that you say or repeat to yourself of the changes that you want to have or have happen.

For example, if a person wants to improve their memory, they might repeat statements like, "I have an excellent memory. I easily remember names, dates, facts, presentations, and more." Now, it may not seem like repeating such words could have that much effect, but it's huge. And the reason is our words are powerful. They actually seep into our unconscious and create the behaviors that we're describing.

So if we say things like, “I have a terrible memory”, our memory actually starts to decline. But if we can flip that and say, “I have an excellent memory”, it can actually improve without actually doing any techniques or anything just simply by changing your words. In fact, I have a set of statements that I repeat depending on the change I want.

When I recently took up social dancing, salsas and bachata. I started repeating statements like, “I am an excellent dancer. I learn and pick up moves easily. I regularly repeat. I have an excellent memory. I easily remember names, dates, facts, presentations, and more.” And these things have really improved.

And so when I wanted to quit smoking, I would repeat statements like, “I am a non-smoker. I quit this habit for my life.” And surprisingly, that was very helpful in helping me quit to the point where I haven't even thought about cigarettes in about over 15 years.

It's been so long that when we got connected on this podcast and it was related to cigarettes and I'm like, "Yeah, I remember I did smoke and I did quit." And I remember even telling you that, “My habit wasn't that severe, so I don't know how helpful I could be.” And you're like, "Yeah, it doesn't matter how severe it was, but if you had that journey, it would be great for you to have on."

And then you sent me a set of questions about my journey. And it was interesting because as I was reading those questions, I had totally forgot that I used to be a smoker. And in some ways, it was a problem that I was trying to give up a few times.

And now because I cut out people who smoke and I was repeating these statements back then. I haven't touched a cigarette in a long long long time.


Jessi:

That's incredible. That's so inspiring because it's hard to imagine when you're in it. Like you said, when you were, “Oh, just one more.” And falling back into the cycle over and over again, it's hard to imagine that you can just live life and forget you even did it. That you could have a new way to connect to people, a new way to handle loneliness, you know, your new identity essentially.
And so I think that's so incredible when people say like, "Oh yeah, I forgot." Because it's really tough to imagine when you're in it, that you can have a whole different life if you can get through the other side.


Kam:

I do want to add that the key, even now, is that I don't allow anyone who smokes even near me or in my life. So if I am maybe in a place and somebody fires up a vape or cigarette, I'll actually ask them. I'm like, "Hey, I'm really sensitive to smoke." And most of the time they get it and they either put it out or put it away. So one thing that really has kept me still in this resolve is making sure that I haven't allowed people who do smoke into my life.

And this is not just a smoking topic, but this is something that can be used in whatever habits that we either we want to create or remove. It's removing the people who are doing it and only allowing people that have the habits and behaviors that you want to absorb.

In fact, I have a saying, if you can control the people that you allow into your life, the rest becomes easy. And it's very true. Even the biggest personal development experts talk about that. They say one of the keys to success is to hang around the types of people who have the success you want.
And on the surface, you might not think how that could be so helpful or useful, but you just have to do it. And you'll just see how magically things just shift and how you start thinking differently and behaving differently almost instantly when you're just surrounded by the people who have the habits and the behaviors and even the skills that you're trying to implement.


Jessi:

That leads me down another path. I'm thinking I want to play devil's advocate here a little bit.


Kam:

Sure.


Jessi:

You're saying before that people enjoy having company with their vices and because if they don't then they have to kind of face is this habit acceptable, “Is this something I want to be doing?” It makes people uncomfortable to do that.

But I'm just kind of wondering if the mirror neurons work the opposite direction? If a smoker is surrounded by people that don't smoke, are they inclined to not smoke? And are they able to sit more with this habit being in isolation from this habit? And their need for companionship and for connection actually would drive them to put it down?


Kam:

I would almost guarantee that that's the case too. Now, it would also depend on what's going on for that smoker internally. If that smoker does have a lot of authority issues where they're like, “I don't want to do the things I was told which were healthy.” Then it would depend on the extent of their authority issues when they're around people who don't smoke.

And it also depends on how different they want to feel. So there's another reason resistance comes up and it's because a lot of times people want to be different.

And to understand what I mean by that, I've traveled to over 100 countries and this experience has given me the fortunate opportunity to notice certain nuances in different cultures and nationalities. And one of the nuances I've noticed in this particular culture is that everyone is trying to be different, everyone and their mother. Whether if it's by wearing different shoes, wearing different clothes, watching a different show, eating a different diet or doing a different exercise.

It's ingrained into our media as it's the guy that's different that gets the attention, success, and the girl. It's even in our advertisements convincing us to be different by buying their product. So if a person sees themselves as different and wants to continue that then anytime they do something that might make them seem like their norm or feel like their norm resistance will arise.

Now if this person sees themselves as different by smoking, then being around other non-smokers may reinforce this habit. The desire to continue smoking because it allows them to be different. And so it really does matter the extent of what's going on internally and how much the mirror neurons influence us.

So if the person has a lot of authority issues and they have this strong desire to be different and other things going on, then maybe the mirror neurons of people who don't smoke won't have as much effect. But if it's not too strong, I do believe that it can have a really positive shift for a person who is a smoker if they hang around with non-smokers. It's almost obvious.

I would bet that that person smokes considerably less because if everyone's saying, "Hey, I don't smoke. Can you not smoke here?", They're going to have less time to smoke. And if they are concerned about what those people are thinking of them or that person is conscious about not smoking around them, then they're going to have less desires overall. And I could see it actually, at the very least, reducing the amount they smoke.


Jessi:

Yeah, it really is a complex issue and so individualized. And I'm glad that you gave some tools for rewiring those subconscious patterns. Self talk was a big part of my quitting journey as well.
But I'm wondering where does someone start if they're not even sure where the resistance is? They're not even having that awareness. How do they start tapping into that inner world?


Kam:

Yeah, the inner world is pretty complex which is why a lot of people don't go there. And so there are a lot of causes of resistance. And it's not something that one can intuitively come to understand because if you didn't understand authority issues you couldn't use common sense to come up with, “Oh it's because of authority issues that I'm doing something or not doing something.” Like you kind of have to learn about authority issues.

If a person didn't have experience traveling to another country and then have the awareness to see the nuance of this culture wanting to be different, one may not pick up that a lot of what they're doing is because they are different. So this stuff kind of goes deep and it's not always easy to hone in on.

But one of the most important things is understanding the tricks of resistance because if we can see our avoidance patterns, we can see that we're in resistance. And once we can see we are in resistance, we can do something about it.

So, for example, if a person is constantly procrastinating and putting things off. And they're using language like, “I will do it tomorrow. I'll do it this weekend. I'll do it next week.” Or they're constantly pushing things off. And when the later or next arrives, they find themselves continuing to push things off, then they know they're in a trick. And once they're in a trick, they know they are in resistance. And when they're in resistance, they can kind of explore that a little bit more.

And the opposite, if a person finds out, “Hey. Yes, I am constantly saying one more or once I stop something. And I start up, it starts up slow, but I convince myself to get back in my old ways or even worse”. Then those tricks are showing that we're under resistance.

Now what's actually really interesting is self-talk can also be a great way to uncover some of our resistance. So let's say a person does want to stop smoking or become a non-smoker. They create an outcome they want. So, “I'm a non-smoker. I quit this habit for my life.”

And as they repeat that statement that their mind initially will retort back. And it'll say things like, “No, you're not.” Or it'll trigger memories of all the times they had done that behavior like they were smoking. Or they'll trigger thoughts and feelings of why they need to smoke and why it'll be hard to break.

All of those responses are the data you need for your resistance. So if you say, “I'm a non-smoker.” And your brain says, “No, you're not.” Well, that's your identity. Like it's saying, “Yes, I have the identity of a smoker.”

And then as you keep saying it, “I'm a non-smoker. I quit this habit for my life.” And it triggers up uncomfortable feelings like, “Maybe you'll be in a social situation. Then what will you do then?” Then you know some of your resistance is because you'll feel uncomfortable if you're not smoking in a social situation. That's a part of your resistance.

If your mind triggers thoughts and feelings of, “What will people think if you quit?” Then some of your resistance is that you're worried about the judgments of other people and that you're worried that they might not like you if you quit. So there is a desire to smoke to be liked and to be connected and to not work through loneliness.

So we can get a lot of data just by repeating the self-talk. It's actually three parts. One is it's really not easy to identify what's going on internally because the brain is so complex. We have to do a lot of inner work. But one of the easier ways is to notice the tricks that we fall into. And if we can notice that we're falling into the trick of resistance, we can know we're in a resistance.

But to really get some more direct answers, create a set of self-talk statements that describe the change that you want. Repeat that statement regularly and notice how your mind retorts or kind of reacts to it. And a lot of those reactions will give you a lot of data about your resistance. I hope that helps.


Jessi:

Yes, like I said, it just outlines my own personal experience perfectly. It wasn't until I started moving towards something that I could see what was really going on beneath the surface.
You've had so much throughout this whole episode, but for someone that's in it, they're struggling. Maybe they're like you. Maybe they keep going back for one more and getting caught in this wheel where they're coming back again and again. What word of advice would you give them?


Kam:

I would say that it's not as easy as it seems because we do want to make it seem like it's easier. But one of the reasons I can help my clients so well and so quickly is because I don't fall into line with motivation and inspiration. Because a lot of motivation/inspiration they can flood our bodies with a lot of positive feelings but when those feelings leave we're just as stuck. They kind of can delude the reality of the situation.

And the reality is it's not easy. And that means we do have to put in conscious directed effort in making sure that we not only stop but we can stick with it. And by that conscious directed effort, it means it really does help to control our environment, the people that we hang around as well as of our thinking, to be able to stop.

So environment means if we're going to the bars where it's very common for people to smoke and vape, it's going to be much harder to resist it. So anytime we see it now, it triggers a desire that now we have to resist. So if we don't see it, it doesn't trigger any desire that we don't have to resist. And so that might require changing some of our things that we enjoy.

So I went from moving away from bars and clubs to one, not doing that anymore. And now I go to more dance studios, such as salsa and bachata, where there is no smoking. So I'm not around it. So I could still get my social physical contact and interactions in an environment that doesn't present opportunities for me to resist something that I don't want to do.

And then the people again, it's really huge. If we can just cut the people who do those things and not allow them into our lives, it's going to go a really long way in making it easy to quit.

And then if we can change our thinking as well and start using things that work on the unconscious level like self-talk. We can just start with a statement like, “I am a non-smoker. I quit this habit for my life.” Two simple statements, just repeat it over and over and over. And you'll find the desire to smoke is less and less and less.

And the most important advice I can give someone, and this has been really key in helping me to quit a lot of the things I don't want to do and stay in the straight and narrow with the things I do want to do. And that's to never get too confident.

Because there comes a point where we stop. It could be a month, could be a few months, and then we just get confident. Like, "Yeah, we got this. It's not affecting us. And we beat it.” I don't know what it is with the brain, but what I found is sometimes when we get too confident, that's when our old ways really come in because we've let our guard down. And so, I never let my guard down.

Even now, although I haven't thought about smoking for 15 years. It was almost completely out of my mind that I actually had this behavior that I was working to stop. A part of me was always keeping the people who smoked out of my life. So my guard was still up. And I never got too confident like, “Oh, I would never smoke again.” I wouldn't say things like that. But I just made sure that I didn't do anything and was aware of any of the trips of resistance from kind of seeping in.


Jessi:

That's great advice. Thank you. And it's really a clear outline to follow. So how can people get in touch with you and do you want to talk more about the services that you offer?


Kam:

Sure. So I've got three free guides for everyone listening here. The first guide is called Prompt Engineering for Your Mind. People don't realize that the human brain was the original chat GPT and you can actually prompt it to give you answers and help you act on those answers. You can create prompts around quitting smoking as well as sticking with being a non-smoker. That's the first guide.
The second guide is Build Habits and Behaviors in Your Sleep. It's more or less using self-talk to program your unconscious to do the things that you want and in this case not do the things you don't want. So that's the second guide.

And the third guide is End Procrastination and Sabotage, which is a deeper dive into the topic of internal resistance that I talk about. It talks about the challenges our own wants create, as well as the causes of resistance, as well as some of the tricks of resistance. And they can get all three of that for free at kamknight.com.

And I have a course on internal resistance called conquer internal resistance. And they can get that from my website. And I do one-on-one work.

As I mentioned, I developed a way to break through the barrier between the conscious and unconscious. So, I could take people into their unconscious and work through their challenges and resistance and even behaviors that they want to stop like smoking. It's very amazing how quick it can work like just a few sessions and people can have some very transformative shifts and they can reach me at mentor@kamknight.com.


Jessi:

Well, that's much needed work and is very helpful to quit smoking. I see it, to quit in a lasting way, you have to untangle what's going on there instead of just relying on willpower. It doesn't work for so many of us. So many of us keep going back and back and back. And so to get to that core resistance is everything. So thank you for that work.


Kam:

Yeah, no problem. Yeah, I don't try to rely too much on willpower and discipline. It feels like it works and the progress can be very short-lived. It's really important to work on the unconscious because if you don't change what's going on the unconscious, then you're constantly fighting with your old ways.

But when you can change what's going on in your unconscious, one: the fight goes away, so it's easier. And two: you can program it to support the behaviors that you want, so it's much easier to do the thing. And that's really the way that I found to create easier and more lasting change.


Jessi:

Yeah. And step into your own power so you're not being pushed around by these advertisements. You understand yourself. There's nothing more empowering than that.

So, thank you so much for coming on, sharing your story, sharing your knowledge. Really appreciate your time. Thank you so much.


Kam:

Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you very much.


Jessi:

Take care, everyone. See you next week.



End of Interview


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