Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.

Jessi:

Hi everyone. Welcome back to You Can Quit Smoking. I'm here today with Cheryl. I'm so excited to talk with her. Cheryl, can you introduce yourself?


Cheryl:

Hi everyone. I'm Cheryl Miles and I'm from Singapore. So, this is really cool that we're doing this with Jessi online and sharing about how I quit smoking. Jessi, I also looked you up on the internet and found some of your stories and how you quit smoking, too. And I totally relate.


So, I have a thirty year background in fitness, in entertainment, and in media. And in all of the above, my voice and my stamina were part of my career. So, it was kind of silly that I smoked for so long–for twenty years.


In fact, I was a radio deejay for sixteen years and I quit about two years ago to start my own coaching business. I'm focusing on women going through midlife transitions. So, through identity shifts, career shifts, and perimenopause. Because I found that smoking actually brought my symptoms about two years earlier than normal. I only realized this after researching perimenopause and the effects of smoking. But yes, the message today is: don't smoke, and you can quit.


Jessi:

Absolutely. So, walk us through your story with smoking.


Cheryl:

My story with smoking, Jessi, is very intertwined with a lot of emotional moments in my life. So, my mom smokes. My father, actually, he smokes cigars. This was back in the day. So, for context, I'm from Gen X. If you're watching this in 2025, I'm fifty. So, I was from a generation where parents were okay with leaving their kids behind, right? I have two younger brothers. So, I was twelve at the time and I was babysitting. They must have gone out or whatever.


My mom's always smoking and she'll start another cigarette before she finishes the first one. So there's a lot of half smoke butts in the ashtrays. So I grabbed one of those butts and I relit it. And this was in the bathroom of our house. I must have been so exposed to smoke at that age and having watched her do it, that I did not have the usual reaction that most people have the first time they start smoking, right? Which is: they cough, they sputter. I was like a pro from the first puff. And I remember getting this hit and like, “Wow, what is this new sensation?”


So, this was kind of a thing I would do whenever they would go out and leave me to babysit my brothers. This was something that made me feel kind of like a grown-up. I'd sneak into the bathroom. And because the whole house kind of smelled like smoke, she never really knew that I was doing this. But I did not start actually smoking until I was around eighteen or nineteen.


So, something happened to my family and then I had to start work at a very young age. I ended up having to quit school at sixteen and somehow ended up in fitness and then later in showbiz. So, I started out as a fitness instructor and–would you believe this?--the huge irony of it is that a lot of fitness instructors, at least at the time, smoked. I think there was this defiance, like, “Oh look at us we're so healthy, so fit and yet we smoke because the rules don't apply to us,” right? “The health impact and all that only applies to people who don't exercise.” Or whatever nonsense we’d tell ourselves.


It became a thing that I would do with friends. Prior to that, I was secretly smoking. But now I had friends to attach the so-called habit to. But let's be clear: it's not a habit, it's an addiction. The association to social smoking started to set in, that it was a social activity.


And then I continued smoking, and still maintained a level of fitness and all that. But I would often lose my voice because I was teaching so many classes. I was more like an aerobics instructor back in the day. So there was a lot of jumping around and telling people, “Feel the burn!” And yet, I smoked.


At the time, I guess it was like you kind of started to form an identity as a smoker because it used to be like, “Oh look, I'm a Virginia Slim smoker.” Or, “I'm a Marlboro Light smoker”, right? You kind of try different brands out and then you find your flavor, so to speak. And this is really where I think the roots of smoking start to get a hold on you because now you know what you like.


I suppose my career evolved into dancing and I started dancing back-up for singers in concerts, in clubs, on television. I was then also teaching dance classes, still smoking, and got into singing.


Somehow, when you're younger, all of these things that you're doing to your body don't really make an impact. But the insidious thing about smoking is that you start off with like three cigs a day. You start off as a social smoker, but your body is so adaptable to the rubbish you put into it. So, it constantly tries to keep up and then before you know it, you're not getting the same hit or high from the smoking. Then it became a half pack a day. Then it became a whole pack a day. I might have been around twenty-one.


It's funny. Up until this point, my mom had no idea that I smoked because she smokes, right? I wanted to tell her that I smoked because we were going on a mother-daughter holiday. And so I'm like, "Oh my gosh, how am I going to survive being with my mom this whole time and not have a cigarette?" And I was already like past twenty-one or whatever. So I sat her down. I'm like, "Mom, I have to tell you something." She's like, "Oh my god, you're pregnant." And I'm like, "That's the worst thing? You think this is the news you think I want to break to you?" And I'm like, "No, I smoke." And she's like, "Oh my god, have a cigarette." You know?


So then it became a thing I used to do with my mom, and that in a way maybe made it worse because now I had so-called permission. I didn't have to hide it in front of anyone. And then now I'm not really a fitness instructor, so I didn't have to hide it from clients. The image, this duality of like, I'm fit but then I'm smoking. Once those so-called social barriers weren't there anymore, then it was like a free-for-all. I smoked everywhere. I smoked in the house. I smoked in the bathroom. I smoked when I was sad, I smoked when I was angry.


I guess you would say it continued on. It got worse around about when I turned forty. And by this point, I was already doing theater, TV, presenting, and I got into radio. And the thing about radio is that you can hear your voice every single day. And I'd been smoking for so long by this point that you can really tell when your voice isn't as clear or as crisp because there's phlegm or there's, whatnot going on. And it's inconsistent. So, it was really frustrating. I started to feel a bit stressed out because it was affecting my work.


And by this point, I was smoking up to thirty sticks a day. And I was waking up with pins and needles in my left arm. So, it started to cause concern. And mind you, I was still so-called fit. I was running. But, you know, as you get older, your body does not recover as quickly as it used to. So, I was struggling a little bit with breath and my stamina. I got really worried.


Because I don't know, Jessi, if you can relate to this, but I think there is something about every smoker. When we start, we think we can quit anytime. You don't really think that it has that much of a grip on you. You say, “I can quit anytime.” So we tell ourselves all kinds of things just to keep going, although your body is telling you everything else.


I had tried to quit a few times before. I tried different methods. Of course I tried the nicotine patch with some kind of a pill. I forget the name now.


Jessi:

Yeah, there's a few of them: Chantix, Wellbutrin.


Cheryl:

They make you feel worse. Okay. And what happens if you're a smoker is that when you feel like crap, you want to smoke a cigarette to feel better. So, it didn't work.


And then I tried to gross myself out. I remember I had this really large bottle and I would collect cigarette butts as a representation of what my lungs probably look like. That also didn't work.


And then I tried, every time I smoked a cigarette–this is really stupid–but I would write a note to myself like, "You're so stupid; you can't quit." And I realized, I mean, now in retrospect, that my desire to succeed in life was because there was a lot of pain and anguish and hurt that I had not addressed with having to quit school at sixteen, the stuff that happened to my family. My relationship with my father is not very good. And then eventually my parents divorced.


So there was a lot of anger and rage that fueled me to succeed in my career. In a way, it worked. I mean because I got very far. But then at the same time, that rage was also eating me up inside. Every time I tried to quit I would encounter that pain. I would encounter that rage.


It would come out in very negative words like, “No, you're not good enough. You can't quit smoking.” I would berate myself thinking kind of like a drill sergeant. Like, “Come on soldier! If you don't drop twenty, you're useless!” I don't know, this is so silly. Why would I think that that would be the thing that would motivate me? But obviously that was a clear sign of my shadow self or the things I was struggling with inside. Anyway, nothing worked.


Then I came across this book called The Easy Way to Quit Smoking by Allen Carr. Have you heard of that one?


Jessi:

Yeah, I read it.


Cheryl:

Yeah. The first time I read it, I got scared. I'd never finished the book because I think something in me knew that he was right or the method was going to work. So, I remember putting the book down thinking like, “Ah, I'm just never going to quit.”


And the thing is also when you make announcements to your friends, right? Because smoking by its definition, I guess the way we define it at least, is a social activity. So when you try to seek support to quit smoking, you're not surrounded by supportive people. You're surrounded by other smokers. So when you say, "Hey, I'm trying to quit smoking," they laugh at you, right? And then like, "Ah, you'll be back at it." They don't really encourage or they don't really believe that you're going to quit because they probably have tried quitting.


But there was something about this book. I was just terrified because I'm like, “This is the thing that's going to make me quit.” I resisted it. Now one of my friends in the theater scene, she went and got registered as a quit smoking therapist under the Allen Carr Easy Way to Quit Smoking. So she brought the workshop to Singapore. The first time I tried the workshop, she was just sort of testing it on friends. I never paid, so it didn't work.


But towards my fortieth birthday, I started to get all these pains and aches and everything. And my fitness wasn't the same. My voice was getting affected. My breathing was really bad. I would wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air. And like I said, I was at this point smoking thirty sticks a day, which really frightened me. I thought I would attempt to seriously start to quit smoking. I paid for this course.


So the Easy Way to Quit Smoking is a three day session. I remember paying something like $600. It's supposed to be as expensive as a whole month's worth of cigarettes and it's guaranteed your money back. So, I joined the class. There were about twenty people to twenty-five people in the class, and you're allowed to smoke. She'd give us smoke breaks. Then there's a moment where you ceremoniously stub out your last cigarette and then that's supposed to be the end of it and then it's cold turkey.


Well, I stubbed out the last cigarette and two weeks later started to smoke again because I'm like, "Hey, I get my money back, right? This doesn't work.” So, she calls me up. She's like, "Hey, how you doing?" I'm like, "I'm smoking again." She's like, "Okay, keep smoking. I'll let you know when there's a remedial class so you can come back." So, basically the deal is you get your money back if the third attempt doesn't work.


Then I went back to the second class. Well, there were about twenty-five to begin with and now there were like ten people. So, half, right?


Jessi:

Wow.


Cheryl:

So, it's like, “Okay, well, half of them succeeded and the other half of us didn't. But it's okay. There's still around ten of us.” So, I went through the whole thing again, did the ceremonial last cigarette, stubbed it out, and continued smoking. Not right away. I think it had an effect of like, well two or three days. And then I'm like, “I'm going to start smoking again.”


She calls me up. She's like, "How you doing?" I'm like, "I'm still smoking." She goes, "Okay, continue smoking. Come back for the third session. And now, if this doesn't work, you'll get your money back.” So, I'm like, "Okay, I've got nothing to lose."


I go back for the third session. And by this point, now there's just me and this other guy. I'm like, “I am a loser.” Everyone else quit smoking but me and this other guy. [laughter]


Along the way, this is a twenty year smoking journey. There's a lot of things that happened to me emotionally. I was in really bad relationships. As I mentioned, without going into too much of the gory details, I did not have a very good relationship with my father. Somehow that affected my self-worth and the kind of relationships that I got into and even the way I would treat my body.


So, it wasn't just the smoking. I got addicted to diet pills along the way. I got addicted to not eating. I mean, addiction is just a thing, right? It's this empty void in your soul that you're trying to self-soothe and you're looking for things. You don't know how to self-soothe, I think. And so, you grab it wherever you can.


You think, “Well, if I get more famous…” for me in my career. I thought I would feel like I was worthy. I would feel good enough and I wouldn't need to smoke. Or, “If somebody loved me or if somebody wanted to marry me.” There were all these external needs to fill this void that I thought if that happened I would be happy and I would be whole.


Obviously that didn't work because basically you attract the love that you give yourself. So if I wasn't loving to myself then I'm not going to put myself in very loving situations. There was a lot of stuff going on.


And I remember in this third session again, that terror came up. She asked me why I was so scared to quit and I started bawling. I said, “I am so terrified of discovering who I'm really supposed to be.” And it's funny because actually that was the truth I needed to hear.

Because I did not understand why it was so hard to quit smoking. And the thing was, it was because I was afraid to encounter myself. Because the self comes with all the good things but also all the stuff you didn't deal with.


Jessi:

Oh yeah.


Cheryl:

So to get there you have to deal with all the stuff you didn't deal with. In any case, that last ceremonial cigarette really hit home. And I didn't plan this to be this way because like I said, I thought I would quit on the first round. But because I failed so many times, I had to come back. It so happened that the very last session where I would stub out my very last cigarette ceremoniously was Maundy Thursday, three days before Easter. You know, I'm a cradle Catholic, not super religious at the time. But there was something in me that realized, “I am so terrified. I cannot do this by my own strength.”


In the first few sessions, it was kind of social, but this time, because it was just me and this guy, we were in our own corners. And it was really like that last cigarette, you encounter so much: your fears, your hopes, everything. I remember dropping down to my knees, praying, saying, "You got to help me because I don't have the strength to do this."


What was interesting in that moment, and I knew that this was going to be it, was the ego and willpower kind of always wrapped up in like, “Ah, I can do it, no problem.” But this was different because it was surrender. And the surrender was the not knowing. Now in retrospect it took a lot more courage to just let it go.


Lo and behold, I quit smoking. But it wasn't easy. And by this point, I had had enough practice with trying to quit and I'm a very strategic person. So, I wrote down a list because there was a second book that I happened to pick up. It's called Love Not Smoking: Do Something Different by Karen Pine and Ben C. Fletcher.


There were three things that I picked up from this book that really helped. And one was: it's a psychological behavior change method. So it's not based on willpower. Same like Allen Carr's Easy Way. The focus was on breaking the triggers and the loops by doing something different, doing something you love. And I went, “Well, what do I love?”


And by this point, I was in my radio career. I had stopped dancing. I wasn't really singing. Radio is quite all-consuming. So I sat down and I thought, “Well, I miss dancing. I miss my dancer friends.” They had gone on to start their own dance companies and do stuff that were really cool.


So, one of my dancer friends, she's like an aerialist now in Singapore. But at the time she was teaching aerial hoop and ropes and stuff. And I'm like, “I'm forty. I can do it.” But obviously, the old bones are kind of creaking. But it was so much fun, you know? So, I signed up for that class and I got to hang out with my dancer friends again. And because I was challenging myself to learn something new and scary, it helped switch my focus.


The second thing I did was I called up my old vocal coach and I'm like, “I want to sing again.” And I started taking singing lessons. I was thinking, “Well, what's the third thing?” And I was looking for stuff that related to breath. And for some reason, diving came to mind. Like, “Let's go learn how to dive.” So, I signed up for my PADI license.


I booked a trip for my fortieth birthday to Bali. There's this island called Gili Island that's really famous for their snorkeling and their fish and everything, the coral reefs and stuff. In retrospect, I would not recommend you go there as a single woman because it's not safe.


Jessi:

Okay.


Cheryl:

But it's beautiful. If you're going to take your PADI diving license, I wouldn't recommend doing it there as well. Just because it's not very regulated. But anyway, I survived. And those three things, just doing something different really helped. That was a different strategy I tried.


The wonderful thing that happened out of it was because I got back in touch with my singing, I actually got a gig singing for happy hour at this pub. This was the time when I was doing the Evening Drive. So after my show on air would end at like 8:00, I would rush to this bar and sing with my guitarist. And that just brought me so much joy just to connect with my voice again, connect with my breath, connect with my passions.


The other thing was because I made a whole announcement about having quit smoking on radio, I was named the official Quit Smoking Ambassador for the Health Promotion Board in Singapore.


Jessi:

Awesome.


Cheryl:

Yeah. And that was like a five figure campaign fee that I earned. In radio in general, you get your radio salary, then you do voiceovers, you do emcee work, and then sometimes you become a spokesperson for this or that. That's where the big ka-ching is. So this was like my big campaign, you know?


Jessi:

Yeah.


Cheryl:

And it was because I quit smoking! And to think that I had been so hesitant because I was so terrified of encountering my true self. In retrospect that Easter was really my homecoming. It was like a rebirth, a renewal that now every Easter I'm reminded that I am a new person. And every time that comes around, I'm just so grateful that I was able to let go of all of this pain that was attached to smoking.


Of course, I had to encounter that as well. I really sat down with myself and I made a list of the things that would trigger me or what I associated with smoking. So, for instance, I started to realize that, actually, for all my false bravado and whatever extroverted so-called personality, that I'm actually really an introvert. It was almost as if smoking created an alter ego and that was the smoker self.


And then the actual me was like, “I just like staying at home. I like cooking. I like reading. I don't really like peopling that much.” And I would get really uncomfortable sometimes in social situations. And that would be my cue to go have a cigarette and act like the cool chick who doesn't give a shit right?


Jessi:

Right.


Cheryl:

So then I realized those were some of my triggers. I wrote them down and I created solutions for them. And I had to really dig deep to come up with solutions that really did work.


So for example, whenever I would feel socially awkward in a situation, I would find the kindest face and say, "How are you doing? Because I'm feeling really awkward right now.” And you know, when you open yourself up to people, you’d be so surprised. They'll be like, "Yeah, I don't like this event very much either. I'm kind of uncomfortable, too. Let's hang out together." And then you start to realize that you're not the only one that feels these insecurities.


And so another thing was I was like, “I miss going for smoke breaks, but what do I miss about it?” It was actually being invited to hang out to chat. So I would tell my colleagues who smoked or friends who smoked and I'm like, "Hey, if you're going for a smoke break, please ask me along because I still want to come out with you." But I would stand there and not smoke. And it kind of just made me feel more in control of my circumstances, rather than not having any power over the situation.


And I remember going to clubs. Singapore is a fairly non-smoker country now. But it used to be you could smoke in clubs. And then they banned that and then they made smoking rooms. And then you're stuck in this room that's just filled with smoke and thinking, “What am I doing here?” [laughter]


Jessi:

Oh, those are the worst! [laughter]


Cheryl:

But at that point when I was still transitioning, I had to do it, right? I had to feel like I was in control of this and I can still participate in the activity, the things we call habit, but not be addicted to the cigarette. So it was a very interesting thing I did.


So I would encourage people. You know, I mean, great if you quit the first time around. But if you have tried several times, really look back and collect the data that if you really dig deep, write down what you've observed, why it is you smoke, what is it that triggers you, and then create solutions that you can do differently. So that you can feel you're in control of the whole thing.


Anyway, fast forward to having quit smoking. I'm like, "Okay, I noticed some improvement, but I still can't breathe very well, and I'm still not sleeping very well. I mean, it's improved, but something's wrong." So, I went to the doctor, and of course, I'm thinking the worst thing, like, “Shoot, I hope it's not lung cancer. What could be wrong?”


And what they did find was that I had some scarring on my lungs. So, now I have mild emphysema, very mild. So, thankfully, I quit at the time I did, but now I have to take inhalers every day. That's something that smoking left me with.


Well, I just turned fifty. I'm also noticing that in retrospect, I was in perimenopause at like thirty-eight and in Singapore the average age for perimenopause is forty-nine. The global standard is age fifty-one. And I think aside from my addiction to diet pills, aside from my addiction to cigarettes, I have kind of lived somewhat healthily. And so it may have helped buffer some of my vices, but I've done some damage to my body.


And in perimenopause, when your estrogen dips, it's kind of like ripping the band-aid off of the issues that somehow your youth and collagen was able to kind of stick together and hold it up. And now it's not. So, you have to address these things again. But thankfully, I've shifted my mindset and I'm able to embrace these changes and challenges with a more positive attitude.


But yeah, I never want to smoke again. I regret having that first cigarette, that second cigarette, and all the cigarettes from the time I was twelve until the time I quit. Because it doesn't matter if you're a radio deejay or you're a teacher or whatever your profession is, our voice is the tool we use to communicate and connect with people. And your breath is like the thing that supports your well-being. Not just so you can breathe and live, but also how you manage stress, and how you exercise and your stamina and all of that. And when we start to age, you want to be able to still do the things.


And I think I have to be very mindful of this and probably start singing again. This time more for my vocal strength and my breath because singing does help for smokers or people who have asthma. So I have adult asthma and mild emphysema. So, I take Ventolin and a bunch of other stuff which affects my voice sometimes.


So, every morning I have to warm up. Otherwise it's like the inhalers dry out my vocal cords. Before I quit radio, it started to get really bad and I would lose my voice on air in the middle of a sentence. Nothing would come out and then it would throw me off. So, these are some of the after effects and I'm thankful that it's not a worse health issue than what I have to deal with. People who are able to quit and not have to go through any of that, you're so lucky.


Jessi:

Yeah.


Cheryl:

We think it's just cancer, you know, but actually it also affects how you sleep, your fertility. So I told you how I had a very bad relationship with, obviously, my body, right? I had a bad relationship with my health, which is why I smoked. But this is the first thing. If you can't have a good relationship with yourself, you're not going to have good relationships with other people.


So finally, when I quit smoking at the age of forty, lots of other great things happened. I met my husband. Yeah, I'm an old bride. I met my husband on a dating app at the age of forty-one. So, okay, let me go through the chronological order. First, I bought my first house. That was like a huge accomplishment. And then a few months after that, I met my husband and we hit it off right away and then he moved in and then we got married.


I was like forty-three when I said, “I do.” And then I'm at this point thinking, "Oh my gosh." And I guess people, they say nice things like, "Oh, you don't look your age." And so you kind of think, “Well, I still have time or maybe I just never paid attention to fertility or whatever. But I'm like, “Hey, I can still have a baby, right?” Uh, no. So then we tried. Yeah, it didn't work out.


So what happened was I was still having problems sleeping and went to my lung doctor. And this was before I got diagnosed with perimenopause, which again, like, “Duh, do the math.” Of course I would be in perimenopause at that age. This doctor said, "Maybe you have stress. Let me assign you a sleep doctor, psychiatrist."


And he gave me something to relax, some kind of drug. And I'm just like, "Wow, this is nice." But he did ask me, and I did tell him, I said, "Look, we're trying to have a baby because I don't think my window is going to be open for very long. In fact, I don't even think it's open anymore." And he's like, "Can you hold off for three months so we can address your sleeping issues?" And I'm like, "Okay." But suddenly now I'm so relaxed. I'm sleeping. I'm just feeling good. It's Christmastime.


Lo and behold, my period doesn't come. I'm pregnant at forty-five. Like a miracle, it seems with my history. And then I start to worry because I've been taking all these drugs and I'm like, "Oh no.” I'm just praying that nothing bad happened.


But then, as it turned out, the pregnancy lasted only eight weeks. And then it didn't develop beyond that. So, I lost the pregnancy. And that was really heartbreaking because something in me, I guess knew that that was the last opportunity. Or I don't know, I just felt that was it.


But in Singapore, IVF is very regulated here but then they lifted the age limit. And this was, I think, the year that it was COVID and I was like, “Okay.” So while everyone was baking sourdough during COVID I was trying to make a baby. I did the whole IVF thing; it didn't work out.


And as I did more reading and everything, I was like, “Well, okay, age is one thing, but smoking does affect your fertility as a woman.” So, lots of things to unpack with smoking, but I'm at the age of fifty now. I’m very happy with my journey and excited for what's to come next.


Jessi:

Well, thank you so much for sharing vulnerability there. That's an amazing story. I love how persistent you were with it that even like you said, you're there with one other person in the third class and you're like, “I'm gonna go for this still.”


And I think you said so many profound things, but I really appreciate what you said about how you were afraid of knowing yourself or of not knowing yourself. That strange paradox where it's like the hardest thing in life is to be you. And that just resonated with me so strongly and just all the pieces of it.


I want to focus on that one part maybe with the drill sergeant because that meant so much to me, personally. I also have a drill sergeant and I want to know if that relationship has changed especially in relation to these ongoing things that you're facing that were a result of smoking.


Myself, I have a lot of dental problems from smoking. And so every time I go to the dentist it's like this whole ordeal in my headspace where I have to do this battle. And I just try to get through it, try to be as loving as I can to myself. A lot of times I kind of dissociate even. I have to go meditate because it's just so hard for me being in there again and again with all these problems.


And fortunately, it has been getting better, but I still am dealing with a lot of things from when I smoked. So, I resonated with that a lot. And I was just wondering if the inner voice has changed at all–your relationship with it? And if you work with self-compassion and forgiveness with the situations you're still dealing with?


Cheryl:

Yeah, Jessi, I think that. So you're saying you also have an inner drill sergeant?


Jessi:

Oh, yeah. I can't. I've given up fighting it. It's part of me. But I wanted to work with it. And I'm wondering if that's been the case for you, too.


Cheryl:

I think yeah, there's obviously still that self-critical voice that's there, right? What matters is the voice we choose to listen to. So, you have the little devil on your shoulder, the little angel, and like which one, right? I consciously have to choose the positive voice.


And the thing about my performance background as well–which is ironic–it's almost as if I sort of compartmentalized: this is my smoker self, this is my inner self, this is my public self. But there is a discipline to doing what I did. Like that's being on air, being on stage. And I guess I would fall into that pattern where it's like, “Oh, I made a mistake, but that's okay. I can rectify.” And so you know how to self-correct in a performance setting. And so I kind of took that mindset and adopted it into my forgiveness journey.


There was a need to forgive myself in how I responded to situations because we always have a choice. When my parents divorced and when things happened with my dad and whatever… There's a saying, something like, when someone loves you, even if it's not enough, they're loving you with all that they have. When we know better, we do better. I think in retrospect, my dad did his best with what he had and how he knew how to express and connect with others.


And I took that on myself. I took that as, “I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable.” And I had to take ownership of that because I did that. He actually didn't do that to me. He had his own demons. He dealt with his demons the way he did. And at the time, I was so young. So, I guess I didn't know any better either. But as I got older, it's like I kept up that idea that it's his fault.


And then as soon as you get into a habit of saying that it's someone or something else's fault, you lose power, right? You don't get to claim your authority and your autonomy and agency. And also give yourself credit. I remember recognizing that I had given so much power to cigarettes because it was like my shield of armor. It was the thing that like, if I was scared, or like I would smoke before a show. And I know the discipline of singing and I know the discipline of speaking. But that's so silly. Why would I do that? But the smoker self needed it. And then I would give that the credit because it would calm me down and I would say, "Oh, I had a cigarette. That's why I performed well." And I was giving credit to this stupid cigarette! Like, what?


When I quit and there was this… I don't like the word void because void means like it's just this emptiness, right? But there was space. I would say when I quit smoking, I created space to fill that area of hurt with love and with new, better tools. And one of the things was reclaiming my power and going through a checklist of how I responded in good ways.


Because when you go through this journey of forgiveness, sure, there's going to be times where you're like, “I shouldn't have done that.” I need to forgive myself and give myself grace. But you also need to give yourself credit. I rose to the challenge. I had to quit school at sixteen, but I dug deep and I found opportunities, and turned those opportunities into stepping stones and got to where I got.


And then here's the other thing: you want to say, “I did it on my own.” And that's the thing. I'm just being careful of how I phrase this. When you smoke, there's this sort of indignant thing like, “Oh, no one's going to help me.” Right? So, I'm going to have a secret. It's just me against the world. And you think that, “Everyone's against me.” Or whatever the negative stuff that comes up, right?


But if I look back on my journey, sure I said yes. I had the courage to step up, but I didn't do it by myself. I had people help me. There's something about smoking that makes you think that you're all by yourself. It's just it's so dumb, you know. Through this journey of self forgiveness, I also forgave my dad. I also forgave myself hugely because of the mistakes I'd made. And it continues to this day.


So every time that drill sergeant comes up, my journey of forgiveness is so much stronger now than that negative voice that I'm able to cope with. We're going to have self-critical thoughts anyway, but it's how we respond to it.


Jessi:

There's so many gems in there. It's absolutely beautifully said. So, thank you for sharing some of that work with us.


I really can see that you have developed a good self-awareness through your work with quitting smoking. That you are really giving attention to what mattered, what you were trying to find in it, what needs asking to be met, and finding other creative solutions to meet that. I think that self-awareness is so powerful.


But you're also someone that took action. It didn't happen easy. It didn't happen the first time. But you combined those two to yield great results because here you are.


You know, you still have these after effects, but I'm sure that you've had many benefits as well from quitting. What do you think is one of the greatest benefits?


Cheryl:

Oh, wow. To be able to have this conversation with you, Jessi, without crying. Or without feeling shame or any of the negative things. This weight just has been lifted off my shoulder. And you don't even realize you're carrying all this emotional baggage that you stuff your feelings into. It's a big old sack.


Jessi:

Oh yeah.


Cheryl:

You kind of use the cigarette as an escape or as a crutch. And it's like all of us have the potential to take flight. But when you have a crutch, you're not even walking because you're leaning on this thing. And now I'm free. This is the greatest gift. I think it's not just the cigarettes. I feel the cigarettes are an external representation of the turmoil and the hurt and the pain that we're going through.


And just doing the shadow work, doing that healing. It's amazing once you're able to overcome that. The kind of confidence and that triumph you feel, it makes you feel unstoppable. And every time I feel like I can't do something, I remind myself that I can.


Because I got over not just the smoking, I got over the things that were holding me back: the self-sabotage, the negativity, all of it, the whole list of it, the toxic relationships, the abusive relationships. All of the stuff I survived that belonged in that bag that got stuffed in there and sealed with cigarette smoke, right? I had to go through it, unpack it. So now there's just freedom and there is confidence and there is hope and there is love.


Jessi:

We really are resilient creatures. It's amazing what you've done and I would say that for myself as well. That the confidence is unbelievable. That you can't even know how great it will feel until you do it, which is hard for motivation. But when you get to the other side, it's amazing to look back.


So, for someone that's in it right now. They're struggling; they want to quit. Maybe they've quit, haven't been successful with it. What's a brief word of advice that you would give to them?


Cheryl:

I mean, it seems cliché, but you can do it. Obviously, you can. It's the how you do it. And I think it's almost like when you fracture a bone, it's how you heal that matters, like how it gets put back together.


And I know a lot of friends and even people, relatives who say they've quit smoking, but they haven't quite healed the thing. And then they got on to vaping because they thought, “Well, it's not smoking, right?” And it just kind of shifts. The addiction turns its eye or its attention to something else. It could be shopping. It could be eating. It could be other things to fill that void. So, I want to say, “Of course. Yes, you can do it. But do it well and be surrounded by as much love as possible.”


And I say this because like I said earlier, sometimes you want to look for support and the people you're surrounded by are smokers, too. So, it may be hard. So, I turned to books. I turned to Love Not Smoking. I turned to Easy Way to Quit Smoking.


And I would say turn to Jessi's book as well. Because I haven't read it yet but Honor Your Heart sounds like exactly the thing you need. Because it's exactly that, isn't it, Jessi? It's honoring your heart. So if you don't do that, how do you quit? Not just the smoking, it's the things underneath it, right?


Jessi:

Yeah.


Cheryl:

And having that support to deal with it. For those people who are looking to quit smoking, I would say also go to someone who's also gone through the journey. Because if you go to a doctor, most doctors don't smoke. They don't know what they're saying.


Avoid the medication. I mean, it doesn't work, right? Don't take the nicotine patches. Don't take any of that because you're actually adding nicotine and it's going to–especially when it's applied to your skin–you don't have control over how much your skin is absorbing. And suddenly you're going to feel more angsty. Because I remember my heart rate went up when I was on that.


Look for people who have gone through the journey and surround yourself with people who are supportive of it and go for coaching I would say. And Jessi, I know you do all of that.


Jessi:

So you follow the framework pretty well, honestly, that I've written out. So it's encouraging to hear that it's been successful for you because it's changed my life. A lot of the work that I've outlined in there, things that you've done.


So I just want to applaud you for that. And just for sharing so vulnerably on here. And I really, really appreciate your honesty. I like what you said about just losing the shame, because there's so much stigma about it and to come out of the shadows with it. Talk it through to be proud of what you've done because it is an amazing accomplishment. And we are able to rebound and enjoy life without it even though it's hard to see when you're in it.


So, thank you so much for sharing those words. How can our listeners get in touch with you and do you want to talk more about your work?


Cheryl:

I have a website: cherylmiles.com. And I'm on Instagram @cherylmiles_. And my husband's surname is Nixon. So, I'm also Cheryl Miles-Nixon on TikTok and on LinkedIn.


So, I'm about to launch my coaching practice for women going through perimenopause and any kind of midlife transition, career shifts, identity shifts. Men as well. I'm looking to be certified as a wellness coach in nutrition and in stress and sleep management.


And I wrote a cookbook. That's another thing that came out of this journey. I love to cook, as I mentioned. I thought I was this extrovert, but really I'm an introverted homebody. So, I wrote a cookbook about my journey through my single days to finding my husband. It's called Smitten in the Kitchen: Recipes for Love.


And so, I love how my career has evolved into coaching. Because I'm able to also include my love for cooking and helping people with their meal plans as a nutrition coach. So, you can find recipes on my website as well, www.cherylmiles.com.


Jessi:

They look delicious.


Cheryl:

Yay.


Jessi:

Thank you so much for coming on and speaking from your heart, for sharing some of the harder stuff with us. I really value your experience and your wisdom and thank you for your time.


Cheryl:

Thanks, Jessi. This was really awesome that you found me through the algorithms of Instagram. So, this conversation really, I feel like, was meant to happen. So, thank you.


Jessi:

All right, everyone. Until next week, take care.





End of interview.


Jessi:

If you found hope or a new perspective in today's conversation, make sure you don't miss any future episodes! Hit the 'Follow' or 'Subscribe' button on your podcast app right now. It's the best way to get inspired every week and ensure you keep receiving the tools and stories you need on your journey to live smoke-free. Thank you for listening, and I'll talk to you next time..