Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.

Jessi:

Hey everyone, welcome back. I'm here today with Erin. Erin, can you introduce yourself?


Erin:

My name is Erin Maillo. I am a wife and a mother. I am a health coach now. I used to be a primary school teacher, but now I help women heal from IBS.


Jessi:

Great work. So, talk to us about your story with smoking.


Erin:

[Sigh] Such a long emotional story. I started smoking–I guess I was probably eighteen–when I was in college. I went to a party college. So I had this dichotomy in my personality, which I still notice to this day. During the week: study, study, study. Serious, hardworking, good girl. And then on the weekends: party, drink and smoke. So it started out kind of like that, sort of more casually. I wasn't smoking during the week.


But then I think I was twenty-years-old when I moved to Spain. I did a year abroad. That's when I started becoming very addicted. A pack a day, if not more. That was in 2001. Back then, smoking in Spain was like it was in the States in the 1950s. It was everywhere. You could smoke in a restaurant. Everyone smoked. You could smoke on the train. You could smoke in school, at university, where you could smoke in the hallway, in the cafeteria. There weren't any big regulations. It was just such a huge part of the culture.


And I felt so uncomfortable because I didn't really speak Spanish very well. I was very outside of my comfort zone. I had to completely adapt to this new environment and make new friends. And so I think I just glommed on to smoking. It really worked for me at that time because it was this thing to fit in. It was a barrier between having to do social interaction. I used it to help me interact with people because I felt socially awkward. And I also used it to get away from people. It was this double-edged sword. I just became very addicted. I smoked all the time. And then it became a very obvious physical addiction.


Before I moved to Spain, it was kind of like I could take it or leave it. It was more like a party thing. But then when I moved back to the States after I finished, I just kept smoking. I was completely addicted. At that time I just had it so embedded in my mind. I felt so much pressure in my life to be good and do the right thing. And I was an athlete. Cigarettes became this psychological, like this is my bad [side], you know? And it's marketed like “Ah, this is your rebel side. This is your bad side”.


And in California at that time, it was very looked down upon. So, it was a lot harder when I moved back to the States because none of my friends smoked, really. And I was fully addicted, but I really wasn't ready to let it go yet at all. I wasn't thinking about it.


So, then I moved back to Spain after I graduated college with my sister and I lived there for four or five more years in my early twenties. I smoked the entire time, just like smoking, smoking, smoking. It wasn't great. I think I got sick a lot more often. I always had a cold. I always had a cough.


And also in my early twenties, it was tricky, too, because I didn't have a lot of money. I was teaching English as a second language. I was, you know, living in Spain. I didn't have a work visa. I was just really irresponsible, I guess you could say, in that time period of my life. We thought, "Oh, we'll move to Spain. We don't need a work visa." We saved up $1,000. We thought that that would somehow be enough to sustain us until we found work. It wasn't enough.


Very quickly, we ran out of money. We chose cigarettes and coffee over food for months. We’d constantly be in this position where we had to make that choice. And it was just like, “Wow, this is more necessary to me than food is.” Like, I could go without eating, but I couldn't really go without cigarettes. But at that time, as I said, I was so young. I was so into it that I didn't really see it as a problem.


I think I was twenty-five when I met my husband. We got married after [only] like a year of knowing each other. But he was Spanish and he didn't smoke. His father had smoked and he had negative associations. I guess I think that it often happens that way. Like my parents didn't smoke cigarettes because their parents smoked. They saw it as an ugly habit that they never started and then it like skips a generation. I've seen that happen for people.


So, he really wasn't that into me smoking that much. He didn't make a big deal about it, but he was like, “I just don't really love it. I don't love the way it smells. I don't like the way your mouth tastes when I kiss you. It's not good for you.” He made it pretty clear that he would prefer it if I quit. I was twenty-five and I was gonna get married and I thought, “Maybe this is the moment.” I'd been having these nudges like, “This isn't good for you.” And so I just decided to quit.


So I'd been smoking like eight years at that point and a lot, you know, a pack-a-day plus. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't read any books. There were no podcasts at that time. I was just like, “I guess what you do is you quit.” So I just quit cold turkey. It was horrible. I suffered so much physically with the cravings. I couldn't sleep. I still remember even though now–I'm going to be forty-five next year–but I still remember that physical sensation of just wanting to crawl out of my skin. I was just so uncomfortable mentally, psychologically, emotionally. I would become so overwhelmed I would just throw myself on the bed and just weep. But somehow I did it.


I don't mean to say that it was a straight and narrow journey. I definitely relapsed. I think the first time I quit was cold turkey. It was like a month and I broke down and had a cigarette. And then it was like two months. It was like these spurts. I would have longer and longer times of not smoking. And then it was a year. And then it was eighteen months. And so for the most part that was it for me.


I remember that I did take a trip in my early thirties or my late twenties. I took a trip with my friend to Guatemala and I was there for like three weeks. I did smoke for those three weeks because I was like, "Oh, I quit. I can start smoking again. It's okay." I guess I just had that curiosity. And then when I came back home, I was just like, "Oh no.” It was really hard. I got fully back into the physical addiction. Though it wasn't as bad as the first time that I ever quit smoking after that relapse, I could feel those physical cravings, the withdrawals all coming back. And I was like, “I don't want to go through this again.”


At that point, it just didn't fit anymore with my identity and my personality. I was running. I was studying to be a teacher. I lived in California and my husband didn't smoke. It was just like there were so many barriers. Cigarettes cost eight dollars a pack. When I was in Spain, they were like less than a euro. You could get them at the vending machine. And so I think all of those societal barriers really kept me from starting again.


It was very socially shamed. And it's like, rightly so. It sucks too just because it is so socially shamed in California. If you see people smoking, people get a lot of flack. I think that non-smokers, they don't realize what an extremely physically and emotionally addictive drug it is. They’re just like, “You should quit, blah, blah.” And it's like, it is really hard to quit. And so I think sometimes that people lack empathy. If I see someone smoking I'm just like, “Man, they're in it”. Maybe they like it, maybe they don't. Even if they don't like it, even if they have all these negative consequences, even if a part of them really really wants to quit, it's just not an easy process. And I consider myself to be very, very, very lucky because everything lined up for me.


When I quit smoking, I was still in Spain, but then within a year, we moved to California, me and my husband. And I started running and I was training for a half marathon. And I just kind of replaced a lot of the behaviors and habits that I had with more healthy behaviors. And I had that identity previous to starting smoking. Because when I was in high school, I was an athlete and I was a runner.


So, I felt like I tried on that bad girl personality for size for like a good six or seven years. And I'd had enough negative consequences to just be like,”I don't really want to be a smoker moving forward in my future. Like, is this really what I want? Why am I doing this? This is kind of not the best thing for me.” So, that's kind of my story in a nutshell.


Jessi:

Yeah, that's an amazing journey. And then to go through it so young, too. I'm kind of wondering, just to pick a part of that story out, when you were going back and having these relapses, what was the driver? What were you looking to smoking for at those times?


Erin:

I think that it's kind of like what I was talking about before that I had this very strong mental association that cigarettes equals freedom. It equals this side of my personality that's more free, you know. She can do what she wants. She doesn't worry about consequences. She's the bad girl. She's the darker side of me, the free side of me, the free spirit. Also, alcohol is a big one.


Jessi:

I can relate to that.


Erin:

Yeah. If I'm drinking and I see people smoke. It's like your filter, it kind of goes down. If I'm sober and I see people smoking, it doesn't really look that good to me. But if I'm drinking, I'm like, "Ooh, that seems like a good idea." Because I think you're already in that disinhibited state. It kind of lowers your willpower a little bit.


Jessi:

I had a really close tie between perfectionism and addiction. And I'm kind of hearing that in your story, too. So, for me to quit in a lasting way, I had to kind of lighten up on myself and not be such a good girl, to not be such a bad girl. Was that the case for you? Did you have any kind of change in how you saw yourself, in your self-talk, things like that?


Erin:

Absolutely. Yeah, that's so funny you mentioned that because when I’m working too with women with IBS, it's like there is such a perfectionistic thing with so many things that we deal with. But yeah, definitely. I had to be like, “Okay, how can I be bad or fulfill that side of my personality that isn't around smoking? Because I feel like my instinct is to work and be productive all the time and then have these spurts of partying and stuff. It's just kind of like finding more of a balance in my day-to-day life that includes more time to just rest and do nothing and “be bad.” Doing things that aren't just about being productive and being good and like fulfilling my role I guess.


Jessi:

And I'm wondering about the relationship with your husband. Did that change when you quit smoking?


Erin:

He was really happy when I quit smoking. It didn't really change the relationship. I think because he was Spanish, he was so used to so many of his friends and family members smoking that it wasn't such a huge deal for him. He was just kind of like, “I don't really like it that much.”


But I feel like he has such a natural balance between… He doesn't have like these two sides of his personality so differentiated. So for him it's like finding the lightness in that relationship and the playfulness and all of that without having to use necessarily like cigarettes or alcohol or different things. Just finding it in a more natural healthy way that feels good.


Jessi:

Yeah, it definitely feels part of our culture to suppress. I don't know how else to put it. But I'm wondering if you maybe felt a little bit different about it yourself? Because sometimes when we have someone that doesn't like it, we feel judged or feel guilty and are kind of hiding away. I don't know if that had changed for you, if you felt a little bit more open or connected?


Erin:

To him?


Jessi:

Yeah.


Erin:

Well, no, because I never tried to hide it from him.


Jessi:

Got it.


Erin:

I was fully smoking when we met. And for the first basically year of our relationship, he knew me and met me as a smoker. And so, when I quit, we were living together. And luckily, I never was in the position that I was trying to hide it.


Although I'm trying to remember the first big relapse, where I relapsed in Guatemala for three weeks. When I came back, I did try to hide it from him for a little bit of a while because I knew he really didn't want me to start smoking again. He really didn't want that for me. So, I didn't want him to worry about me. But eventually, I think I told him and he found out and he was like, "Okay." He was pretty supportive. Yeah.


Jessi:

Yeah, that sounds like you had a great support system. And that's very helpful to have someone that can be there for you, rooting for you, for you to take care of yourself. But not the judgment and the shame and the pressure because that's a very difficult way to quit under that. It doesn't always last for people when they're trying to just quit for someone else.


Erin:

Yeah, it's true. I feel like he was the motivator for me to quit, but I wasn't doing it for him, if that makes sense. It was like, “Okay, this is a good time in my life.” I moved from Barcelona to Granada. I was getting married. It felt like it was like, “Okay, you're starting a new life so you can start this new way of being.”


Like I've heard that, what was that book with that Japanese writer? He wrote a book about quitting smoking that I read a really long time ago. Have you read that book?


Jessi:

No, but I'm interested.


Erin:

Yeah, he wrote it. I think he talked about how he quit smoking and he moved to a completely new country for like four weeks or six weeks or something like that. I didn't know this at the time, but there's research to support when you're making a huge habit change, the less cues that you have to your normal environment, the better it is because we're so habit driven. So if you're in a completely new country or a new apartment, you're in a new environment. It's like you can step into a new self in a way.


Jessi:

It's great to seize that opportunity if you can get it.


Erin:

It's hard to just pick up and move to a new country, but I don't know if there's programs. You know, that there's programs to help people get off drugs and alcohol like rehab centers for two weeks, four weeks. I don't know if there exists anything like that for smoking, but there should. Because it is underestimated how incredibly addictive it is and how incredibly tricky it is to quit. Yeah.


Jessi:

And I think it could be as simple as taking a vacation.


Erin:

Yes.


Jessi:

In your case, it wasn't helpful to you, but…


Erin:

Yeah. Because then you lower your stress. You can eat. I definitely used food as a coping mechanism. I gained like fifteen pounds in probably six weeks, which I then had to lose. But it was totally worth it. I ate a lot of cookies.


Jessi:

Well, you were saying that you were skipping meals at one point, so it sounds like you got your appetite back. I think that can be hard for people when they're used to not eating. I'm speaking for myself. I gained weight as well. And I was kind of just like, “Well, this is what eating is like when you actually eat.” When you don't have cigarettes for breakfast and you have a meal, you're going to put on some pounds.


Erin:

So, I was eating. But the one thing I used to do, I'd maybe cut my meal in half because I would want to smoke. I'd be like, "Ah, lunch is over." Because actually, you know, I did end up eating more. And I think that was for the health.


But I think one thing that I did when I quit was I had these little cookies that I would cover in Nutella. And I would have like four or five or six of them when I first started quitting. And then after like a month or six weeks, I was like, "Okay, maybe we'll reduce the cookies because I'm over the worst of it." So, I didn't need the cookies as much.


Jessi:

A lot of people do that for comfort. And you were saying that you had some other habits. You were like running a marathon, which is incredible. But just like in your day-to-day, did you have any other just small changes to help you regulate emotionally, just make you feel safe, make you feel comfort in those early days especially?


Erin:

Yeah. In those early days, I remember drinking a lot of water. I remember being very, very, very physically thirsty. And that was very helpful. I remember I would just go for a walk if I had a really bad craving or was really in my head. I would just be like, "Okay, I'm just going to go for a brisk walk." That really, really, really helped me.


I just let myself do whatever it was that I wanted to do at that time. I simplified it. I'm like, "Okay, I have to go to work and I have to like cook lunch or whatever. But besides that, I'm going to watch the Gilmore Girls in bed. I'm going to drink tea. I'm going to take a hot shower. I'm just going to baby myself and indulge myself with all of the sensory things that would comfort me.


Jessi:

Yeah, that's great.


Erin:

I don't know why I knew to do that because it's not like I read a book or anything like that. But I just felt like I really was going to have to be soft on myself and allow a lot of space to just indulge myself.


Jessi:

That's intuition. That's how you knew.


Erin:

Yeah.


Jessi:

Such a gift. When you can stop smoking, you start to connect with your needs more. That’s what I see in other people and myself. And it reminds me when I quit smoking, I had a little saying that, “I get to do whatever I want as long as I don't smoke.” And that really helped me to reduce the stress that I was placing on myself. So, I'm wondering: someone that's in it, they want to quit, maybe they've tried to quit and not been able to. They're struggling. What advice would you give them?


Erin:

The advice I would give them. And also, you know, my sister also smoked and she was able to quit, but she had even more relapses than me. It's like she would quit for a long time and then she'd start again.


I feel like even if you have a relapse, that doesn't mean that you can't quit smoking, right? It just means that you had a relapse and you just pick up and try again. You look at that, what happened. You try to figure out, “Do I need to also quit drinking right now?” What can you learn from the relapse to inform you to be able to quit better the next time?


Some people are able just to quit cold turkey right away and have it last forever. But I think that a lot more people do it in phases. And what keeps them on the path is not adding so much guilt and shame onto those relapses. But just being like, “I'm getting closer to my goal.” And having just compassion.


It's really tricky because you have to have compassion for yourself if you slip. And you also have to hold yourself to a very high standard. You have to be really honest with yourself about, “Why do you really want to quit?” And if you're relapsing and relapsing and relapsing, you have to be like, “What's going on? Do I really want this? Do you really want it?” And like getting really clear about why it is that you really want it. And reminding yourself over and over and over and sticking with it. And at the same time being gentle with yourself. It's kind of like a balancing act, I guess, in my opinion.


Jessi:

That's part of why it's so complex. There's a lot of gems in there. Thank you. So, how can people get in touch with you and do you want to talk more about your work and your podcast?


Erin:

Yeah, my website and my podcast are called Healing Her IBS. My podcast just explores what women can do to heal IBS. I had developed IBS soon after my son was born and it really caught me by surprise because I'd always had such a strong stomach and digestive system. And so I was like, “What is going on?” I was really confused and really lost and I really needed help. I found it difficult to find the help that I needed. So when I decided to change careers I was like, “This is what I'm going to do.”


So, I'm going to help women who need it because I felt very, very, very lost. We just explore all the different areas of what's connected to IBS, what causes it, and what can help you heal. And it's kind of similar to what I was talking about with the smoking. You have to be diligent with yourself, but you also have to be gentle with yourself about it. So, that's basically what I do.


Jessi:

That's amazing work. It sounds like turning that hardship into a purpose and meaning. And through your lived experience. That's so powerful to talk to someone that's been through it and listen. Not only give advice, but to listen. So, I appreciate that work. I really enjoyed your podcast episode I listened to, too. You were doing a little bit of myth telling in there, and that's what I'm all about.


Erin:

Ah, good.


Jessi:

It can be helpful.


Erin:
Just like everything, there's this one topic and then you get so deep into it. It's like, “Wow, things are so connected.” You know?


Jessi:

Yeah. I'm curious about that connection. Do you think that those years of smoking and smoking the amount you did had an impact on developing IBS? Are those two related? I'm not sure.


Erin:

I don't know if smoking is related to IBS. I know that IBS can be very impacted by lifestyle, by sleep, by fiber, by nutrition, by so many things. So, I would imagine that it's connected. However, I quit when I was in my mid-twenties and I developed IBS in my late thirties.


Jessi:

Okay.


Erin:

So, it was a very long time between. But I do think that [there is] this dichotomy: this personality trait of the bad girl and the good girl. That definitely was connected to me developing IBS. And just the pressure that I put on myself after my son was born to have my life together was just crippling for me. I had no outlet, just a stress cycle all the time. Luckily, I didn't even think to pick up smoking at that time.


Jessi:

Yes.


Erin:

That was so far beyond. But it was like just being sleep deprived, having his C-section, and just being on high alert with my son all the time. Just like, “Is he okay? Is he okay? I was so anxious about his well-being. And I was working as a school teacher. My job was very, very stressful. It was just so much. I didn't know how to let any of it go. I didn't know what to let go of. I felt under so much pressure to be a good mom, to take care of the house, to be a good teacher, and it was like, it just, I think it just like broke my system, you know?


It's a good thing in a way. It's like now I look back, I mean, it was horribly painful to go through that for so many years. Now I look back and I'm like, “Man, it had to kind of fall apart in that way because I couldn't keep going like that. I had to see.”


Jessi:

Yeah. And that's mythic right there is the complete collapse. The crisis to push you into transforming those really dark, deep patterns that we all have in some way. So, I think that's beautiful work and I'm so happy for you that you've pushed through the other side: the struggle with smoking and your struggle with IBS. And I just really have a lot of admiration for you. I appreciate you coming on and sharing your wisdom and your story.


Erin:

Of course. Thank you so much for having me. It was really nice. Yeah. You know, sometimes when you accomplish something a long time ago, you forget what a good accomplishment it was because you're like, "Ah, I did that. It was almost twenty years ago.” But it's like, “Wow, I've maintained quit for such a long time." I mean, I can't even imagine my life if I had continued smoking for twenty years.


Jessi:

Yeah, it changes the trajectory of your life in so many ways, seen and unseen. And it's a really powerful choice that you made for yourself. Thank you for coming on again and take care everyone. See you next week.


Erin:

Thanks.


End of interview.


Jessi:

Are you looking for continuous support and accountability on your smoke-free journey? Don't go it alone! Our Honor Your Heart Community Membership is the perfect place to connect with others who truly understand your challenges. You'll get access to monthly Q&A sessions, exclusive resources, and a private space dedicated to helping you build a life you love without smoking. Find out how to join and take the next step in your transformation at www.honoryourheart.net/membership. I can't wait to welcome you in.

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