Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.


Jessi:

Hey everyone, welcome back. I'm so happy to be joined by Clem today. Clem, can you introduce yourself?


Clem:

Hi, I'm Clem. I'm twenty-seven years old. I've been cigarette-free for about a year and a month.


Jessi:

Congrats.


Clem:

Thank you.


Jessi:

What's your story with smoking? Walk us through what it was like for you.


Clem:

I grew up in a smoking household. Every adult that I knew in the community, whether it be like a babysitter or friends’ parents, smoked. I have photos of me as a baby in my dad's arms next to a full ashtray. I was definitely the kid who would go around smelling like cigarettes. As I got older, I think I associated that with comfort. When I was about nine, I ended up in foster care. I was estranged from my parents. My dad passed when I was younger.


And then when I turned eighteen, I wanted to feel independent and old. I was like, “I'm old enough to buy a pack of cigarettes. I'm going to go out.” I bought them and I did not like them. But I ended up getting kind of like an adopted mom in my life who smoked cigarettes. So when she would go out, I would go out. It made me feel connected to the adults around me. So I got into it that way.


Jessi:

I could really resonate with that. That was a huge part of my story as well. And I find that a lot of people do come into it young and are looking for some sense of adulthood. How did you feel about yourself then as a smoker as you picked it up? Like you said, you didn't like it in the beginning. So, what made you keep coming back and trying it?


Clem:

When I was younger, I really didn't care if something was good for me or not. I only cared about how it made me feel about myself. So, I felt older, more mature. And it was an easy way to connect with people because I've always struggled with that. When you're outside, especially when you're drinking, and you have a pack of cigarettes, you're everybody's friend.


Jessi:

It's an easy way to start a conversation and to have something in common. When did things start changing? So, it sounds like it made you feel like an adult. It was a way for you to connect. Maybe you had some enjoyment with it. Did that change?


Clem:

It started out as a way to connect to people, but then it became a coping strategy. I have ADHD and there’s something about the sensory aspects of smoking, the routine of it all. I found that it helped me focus in certain situations like work. It really did. The harder it was to deal with emotions, the more cigarettes I smoked. So during times of great stress or moves, that's when I would smoke.


And it started out with just a few cigarettes a day. As I got older, it became a whole lifestyle. I got into the smoking reviewers on YouTube and it felt like that was a community when I was really lonely. Then it began a pack-and-a-half a day towards the end of it. And I found myself smoking even though I didn't want to. I'd be like, “I don't want another cigarette.” And then I would just pull one out and light it up. So I was really questioning why I was doing that. “What am I gaining from this?” And I just wasn't gaining what I used to. So I decided to stop.


Jessi:

Did you quit on your first try?


Clem:

I did not. Five years ago maybe, I got really bad bronchitis as you know smokers do. And I quit then for like two weeks and then I was like, “I'm just going to start vaping.” I went from cigarettes to vaping and then from vaping back to cigarettes. It definitely was not my first try. I would say this is probably the second that I can remember, but I know that I've tried more than that.


Jessi:

What method did you use to quit? Did you go cold turkey? Did you wean off?



Clem:

Nicotine gum, it really helped. I was worried that I was going to have a hard time weaning off of that. But it literally says on the package not to take it if you have heart palpitations, and it gave me heart palpitations. So, I was like, "No, I'm done with that." So that actually did help me stop completely.


Jessi:

So how long did you use the gum for? What did it look like? What was the process?


Clem:

I used it for a month since I was a really bad smoker. Pack-and-a-half a day. I used the highest dosage. I'd only use it three times a day or when I would typically want a cigarette.


Jessi:

I'm just wondering more because I went cold turkey. I didn't use the gum. So you said you would use it whenever you wanted a cigarette. So how many cigarettes were you smoking? How did that end up working? You just had the gum and then just kind of cut the gum slowly?


Clem:

You're supposed to. I didn't use it as prescribed to be honest. I used it less than they said to do.


Jessi:

Okay.


Clem:

So, I didn't really get a chance to wean down before I was like, "No.” Before I was like, “I need to stop this." But it was really effective. I always have a hard time with car rides because for me, nothing was better than driving while smoking a cigarette. I have a really hard time paying attention when I'm in the middle of something. So, having that nicotine really did help.


Nicotine gum helped. It also helped at the job that I had. It kept me from having those moments where I was like, "Okay, I really want to take a break with a cigarette.” Because I could do it indoors, which is really nice. I used to work in food service. Any food service job, I feel like, just makes you want a cigarette. Everyone smokes. But at the last food service job I had, nobody but me smoked. So, I feel like that was also one of those places where I was seeing how nobody else my age smoked. Smoking is really going out of style, which is great. But it also makes you feel more self-conscious if you're someone who does that.


Jessi:

So strange how it can move from that social connection, that tightness, and then also the isolation. I feel like they kind of go hand in hand because it's like a club. You bond closer because there are fewer people smoking.


So I'm wondering, did you notice any patterns then? You know, you're using the gum and you're paying attention to when you would want a cigarette. Did you notice patterns when you would want one? Like you mentioned driving, work breaks, but was there anything internally motivated with your emotional state that you were seeing patterns with that? And how were you able to redirect and regulate emotionally without the cigarette?


Clem:

When I first quit, I cut out a lot of the things that I always associated with cigarettes. Like I used to get off of work, and I'd come home. I smoked weed as well.


Jessi:

Yeah, me too.



Clem:

You know, the combination of weed, nicotine, and caffeine did something to my brain….


Jessi:

Yeah.


Clem:

…that I cannot do again because it's not good for you. But it's a feeling that you can't replicate it. So I just avoided the majority of the things that made me think of that. Even like the shows [I used to watch]. I loved sitting on my porch drinking caffeine, I still smoked weed. And then I realized, I was like, “That's not helping.” So I cut back on that at the beginning. It took me many months to get off of that as well.


For cravings, I find moments of frustration always makes me want a cigarette the most, whether it was at work with a customer. Also, we live in a society where you're really not allowed to take breaks. You're not allowed to move slowly. And with me being unmedicated ADHD, it really helped me move fast. It helped something in my brain work the way that I thought it was supposed to. I now think it's unfair to expect anybody to move at this impossible speed just for [the] monetary profit of an organization. But yeah, when I'm frustrated, that's when I find that I want a cigarette the most.


Jessi:
You made such an interesting point there. Did your expectations of yourself shift then? And your self-talk, was that helpful to you in quitting?


Clem:

For anxiety it's been so much less than it was. I was depriving my body of the proper nutrition because when I wanted to eat something I would just go smoke a cigarette. And then I didn't have enough oxygen and all that. So I feel like anxiety lived within me. It was blocked. It didn't move through me normally. So the negative self-talk was way, way worse and the anxiety would just stay.


And then your body doesn't know what's wrong but it knows something's wrong. You're already right on fight or flight and if you have any sort of trauma it's way easier for you to get there as well. So the combination was not great but I really had to give myself some grace because I was like, “Okay, look. I'm depriving myself of a chemical I'm very used to. So, there's going to be some new things that I'm going to have to experience that maybe might not be comfortable, but they are just experiences that are going to happen and then leave.” And without nicotine, they left a lot easier.


Jessi:

Looking back though, when you were in it, did you think that smoking helped with your anxiety?


Clem:

I thought that it did, but more of like mind-numbing, of like, you can just go [away]. And I would smoke cigarettes and not be fully in my body. I would go and I would smoke weed, a lot of weed. And then I would just sit on the porch in a really uncomfortable position, not even know that my legs were numb or that I was uncomfortable, that my back was hurting. And then I would just chain-smoke and chain-smoke and chain-smoke and then sometimes not even realize that I had to go to the bathroom. I was so out of the body. That's why I thought that it made my stress better: because I was not experiencing it. In the moments when the anxiety caught me unexpected, maybe without a cigarette, it was so much more painful and so much more impossible to deal with.


Jessi:

So, has your body connection changed? I know that it's something that people with ADHD commonly struggle with, is that body connection. Has quitting smoking changed that at all for you?


Clem:

It definitely has. I'm less afraid of emotions because I've actually been feeling them. It's kind of connected but dreams. When you smoke, I didn't have any dreams. And then when I quit, I started getting like the trauma dreams from childhood and having to like move through feelings that maybe I never felt prepared to deal with.


And then when I quit, obviously if you're ready to quit, I feel like you're prepared in some aspect. You know that you're prepared because you're willing to go through that. It was scary to go back to a body that you feel is angry at you. I learned more of my cues a lot of the times when I was sitting outside and I'd be like, "Oh, I want a cigarette." I really just wanted water or maybe lunch or something or maybe sleep. I feel like the wires within me got really mixed up.


Jessi:

It's so helpful to just care for ourselves. To go to self-care instead of that self-destruction really is what it is, whether subconsciously or consciously. So, let's talk more about what's changed then since quitting smoking. What other changes have you noticed and gains?


Clem:

I started a new job. Before that, there was a period of joblessness. It was maybe a month and it was really nice not having to worry about spending money on cigarettes. Like really nice. It's so nice to be able to just focus on whatever. Life is so stressful already. And to not have to focus on that and not feel like there's like this ticking time bomb like, “When are you going to be able to? Are you going to be able to afford this?”


I've also noticed that I feel a lot cleaner. I don't feel as self-conscious. I used to constantly have a white tongue and it really bothered me. Now I work in a pink-collar job where everyone is really pretty and put together and smells really good. So when I started that job, I was just really glad that I didn't smell like cigarettes.


Oh my gosh. And my cat actually just got diagnosed with asthma. I'm really glad that I don't have to worry about the stress of secondhand smoke as well. I sometimes forget. I'm really good at forgetting stuff, I will say that though. Sometimes I forget that I smoked, which is nice.


Jessi:

Oh, it's such an amazing feeling.


Clem:

It really is.


Jessi:

We talked about the body connection and you talked about being more connected to your genuine needs. Do you feel like intuition played a role in you quitting smoking? Has your intuition changed at all?


Clem:

I wouldn't say it was intuition that stopped me smoking. I don't think that shame is a productive feeling, but it did help me recognize an area that needed to change in my life. My roommate smokes, which was definitely hard when I was quitting. I had to be like, "Hey, you need to smoke out back. I need to be able to go sit on the porch occasionally, like not have an ashtray.” But that's unrelated.


I would be out there and he would see me. He would come out and smoke a cigarette. And there'd be one cigarette in the ashtray. And then he'd go in and then he'd come out and there'd be like fifteen. That's when I started feeling shame, not directly from him because he was not feeling any type of way about that. But I was realizing that it just didn't feel good to me anymore.


Jessi:

I've been thinking more about the intuition with you saying that you were ready and that you knew you were ready. But does that mean that there wasn't any resistance?


Clem:

I just knew. I was like, "Look, I'm ready." My ex-best friend, I realized that our friendship was literally based around weed and cigarettes and that sensory kind of aspects where we would just be on the porch for hours. I sometimes look back and I'm so surprised at the low temperatures I sat outside in, in like four jackets. That's just so crazy. But that's what we would do. But when I decided to quit, I got her on board. I was like, "Look, like we got to quit cigarettes." And she was like, "Sure." So, we jumped in together.


I gave myself a week. And then with the last cigarette, I was mindful and intentional about that. Where I really just sat there in my body when I was smoking the cigarette and I thanked it. Because I truly think that I would not have survived as easy as I did had I not had cigarettes in my life at certain points. So, I guess in my gut feeling, I knew I was ready.


But, I think it was more of just like, “I'm also turning twenty-five.” I feel like part of my brain fully set in that was really able to just be like, “Girl, look at yourself. Look at your life at twenty-five. Like, if you don't change, you're going to be like this until eventually you snap out of it. I'm ready to snap out of it.“


Jessi:

That's amazing work. So, was your friend able to quit? Were you guys supportive to each other?


Clem:

We do not speak like that anymore. She kind of went to vaping. And I was not judging her because everyone has their own paths to quitting cigarettes. But I realized that maybe we were just two different people. When I was having a really hard time and she knew that I was ready to quit cigarettes, I went to her and she offered me her vape. And I was like, "You don't respect me. Like, you're not understanding why I'm doing this or how I'm feeling at all." To offer that to me when I'm really stressed out and I'm struggling was really mean. Quitting also helped me realize what in my life was not working.


Jessi:

I think that's part of the deal is that the relationships need to change or go. That's hard work.


Clem:

It definitely is. It's also hard realizing how much of social connectedness is based around substances, whether those are legal or illegal.


Jessi:

M’hmm.


Clem:

I had a really hard time with that. I have bad anxiety and I don't want to do things. I don't like to leave my house. And then when I'm out there, I'm like, "Yay, I'm glad I left my house." But cigarettes made it so much easier because I'm like, “I get to smoke cigarettes there. Eventually, I will get a cigarette.” That really did help.


When I first quit, I had a really hard time. It was like mini-depression, a lack of feeling in anything. I feel like it went farther than numbness. It was just like a lack of something. So, that made that hard. But now I'm getting pleasure from different things.


Jessi:

I think that's a key point because a lot of people including myself, it's hard to imagine being happy without smoking because we're so reliant on it for regulation. We think it has all these powers. It does all these things for us. So, I just think that's really great to paint a picture of that, [that] you can enjoy life without smoking. Is that a place where you're at and what do you do now to fulfill yourself? To fill that void you were talking about?


Clem:

I definitely agree. When I was even thinking about quitting, it was hard for me to conceptualize that other people loved cigarettes as much as I loved cigarettes. I was like, “I feel like these people who are quitting smoke like a cigarette a day and I feel like we're just not on that same level” Because I truly, truly loved them.


But now I feel like whatever receptors in me experience pleasure get them from making my life easier for me. It's like setting out my clothes [for] the morning at night so when I get up I can just leave. Or like since Shadow, my cat, he's literally right there. He hasn't been feeling well with his asthma. I've been vacuuming twice a week and before I was not doing that nearly as much as I should have. And it feels really good to have like a clean life and put together a life where you have enough energy to really take care of yourself.


I feel like the basis that gave me hope to even quit was establishing trust within myself. Because if you can trust yourself to go through something stressful and not go out and buy a pack of cigarettes, I feel like that is really a great relationship with yourself. So yeah, doing things to make my life easier builds that trust which makes me more likely not to go back.


Jessi:

That's beautiful. And I'm wondering, do you have any advice or final words you want to say to someone that's in it? Maybe they've tried to quit and not been successful. They're struggling. They might have self-doubt. They might have fears. What would you say to them?


Clem:

To realize that you want to change is already like a huge first step. And you don't have to know exactly how you're going to get there. Sometimes you have to try something to realize what's going to work for you. I feel like it's hard when you're quitting because you have to go out and be in public and do all that stuff.


And I think it's harder to suffer or to have a hard time around other people. I find that it's the opposite. You should be sharing with other people when you are suffering. I found it so much easier. When I first quit, I would tell my roommate, "I really want a cigarette." And he would go, "No, you don't." And I'd be like, "No, I literally do. Can you just acknowledge that? Can we be sad? And can I have a little toddler tantrum in front of you for a second about how much this sucks?” So, I feel like acknowledging that it sucks and that things are going to suck. Someone just needs to see that. And that it is not easy, but it's also easier than you think once you get past it.


Jessi:

Great advice. Thank you. I really appreciate you coming on and for sharing your story and being vulnerable because I agree with you. It's not easy. It wasn't for me. It is for some people apparently from these stories, but I think it's well worth it like you said.


Clem:

Thank you. I do as well.


Jessi:

Well, congrats on that year again and take care everyone. We'll see you next time.


Clem:

Bye.


End of interview.


Jessi:

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