Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.

Jessi:

Hi everyone, welcome back. I'm so excited to be here with Tom Turner today. Tom, can you introduce yourself?


Tom:

Yeah. Hi. Like you said, my name is Tom. I'm from over in the UK. I live near Newcastle and work as a voiceover in my main job.


Jessi:

Excellent. So, talk to us about smoking. What's your story with smoking?


Tom:

I mean, I came from a family where my dad smoked all the time in the house and would have one in the car, on a journey. So, it was very sort of normalized. And I think especially, there's definitely a difference now, isn't it? We’re in a society where it's not normal for people to smoke. It's like some people do. Whereas back in the ‘80s and before, everyone just smoked. That was the norm. So, I sort of grew up with that.


But I didn't start smoking until I was sixteen or seventeen. I was at college studying for my A-levels, which is what you go on to after school. A lot of my friends smoked and it was cool. And we were down at the pub and having a drink and what have you. So you'd sort of try a little bit. And then my dad was taken ill right before one of my exams. It was really stressful. I remember going into college. We had a little seat where me and my friends would meet. There was a big glass window with doors out onto a patio area. And the usual group of four or five of them were out there having a smoke and I was stressed, obviously. I had a horrendous morning. The ambulance had been called and everything. I was coming in to do this exam. I just said, "Steve, give us a fag, mate." And lit it up. From there, just sort of then I became a smoker.


There's that thing with smoking where it gets you into a slightly different group. You get to be the one that goes out and you've been doing something and then you get to have that secret little chat about it with the smokers, the cool kids. And I definitely fell into that. I was still dabbling, if you like. I'd buy a packet of ten cigarettes for going for a night out, and then wouldn't really smoke during the week. But as I'm sure pretty much everyone listening to this podcast knows, it's the slippery slope, isn't it? No one wakes up and says, "Do you know what? I'm going to start smoking. Yes, I'll start on thirty a day!” There's that gradual buildup of using it as kind of that chemical/emotional crutch. And yeah, so I definitely went down the classic route of smoking a bit, nicking other people's cigarettes, then buying a ten pack, then buying a twenty pack. And then by the time I was at uni, I had the badge, I was a full-blown smoker.


Jessi:

What was that like for you once you had gotten to that point where you're smoking a pack a day? What did that feel like?


Tom:

It sounds terrible to say, I liked it. It was cool. It was nice. Like I said, it had that in-group feeling of being in with other people, with the cool guys. You'd be up late at night at uni having a few drinks. Then we'd run out of cigarettes. So you'd have to go on a bit of a mission to go and find some. And we kind of claw the coins together to be able to go to one of the bars. And put it in the machine and get a packet. Or go into the 24-hour petrol station to go and buy it and all that stuff. It's fun and you're part of the group. I liked it. And I think that was part of the problem later on when you know it's a bad thing to do. It's bad for you and you're trying to quit but you still see yourself as a smoker. And it feels sometimes very temporary when you're trying to kick the habit.


Jessi:

Yeah. And I think that a lot of us did have fun with our friends and it was a social connection. It was something to do and something to bond for. And so did that change for you over time as you continue to smoke? Because it did for me. I started smoking when I was very young, when I was thirteen. And so, you know, when I was in my twenties, I'm like, “Okay…” Part of me still wanted that excitement and that bond from when I was so young. And it's like, “This isn't working for me anymore, or if it ever did.” And so, I'm curious, did that kind of fade for you: that excitement and that fun?


Tom:

Uh, no, it didn't. It didn't because then I went on to work in radio, and again quite a few people smoked and it was a nice thing. You know, you're dead busy and things are going on. It's a very exciting industry to be in. It's kind of nice to go outside the back door and there's a little group of you. And you're having a little bit of wind about your boss or about this or about that. Or it's exciting because of this, or, “Did you see who was in this morning?” You get to find out little things, so it kind of perpetuates. It takes what I had in that sixteen-year-old friendship group into the work group again. Yeah, it becomes very normalized.


You've got that underlying health thing at the back of your mind, the angel and the devil on your shoulder if you like, saying, “You know this isn't going to be good for you. This is not a good thing.” I mean the ridiculous thing at that point is that my dad had had a heart attack. And off the back of that he had given up smoking because that was one of the major causes of his heart attack at that point. Even that didn't really stop me.


I think there were a few times I sort of tried to cut down. My girlfriend, now wife, was saying, “It's not very nice. You should stop.” Underneath there was some pressure but somewhere inside there was still that thing where I definitely identified and saw part of my self-persona as a smoker. Until that vanished, I don't think there was really, actually ever any chance for me. I was pretending, I think. I was going through the motions but would always just sneak back into it. And, “Oh just have the odd one. I'm just going to have one while we're out for a drink. Oh well, I may as well buy some now. I don't want to be stealing them off everyone all night.” And there we go. There we're back again.


Jessi:

I've been on that road myself. I think many of us have. What was the shift then? What was the inspiration to quit? You had this experience with your father that is powerful, but it didn't seem real to you when you were young. We think we're invincible when we're young. And you had that external pressure from your partner. Was that finally what shifted you to finally quit? What was the impetus there?


Tom:

This is probably what's going to be the least helpful input into your podcast, I'm afraid, in that I don't know what happened. So, while I was working that job at that radio station, I'd been doing the half quitting: not really quitting, nicking other people's bags, buying some, whatever. And I remember we went for a night out at a Mexican restaurant. I did the usual thing. I had a few drinks, some food, and cigarettes. I remember coming home and something just changed in me. I just said, "I'm not smoking again." And literally from that point, I stopped.


Jessi:

Wow.


Tom:
Like I said, you have these things like your health concerns or my dad being ill or whatever it is. All these different things. Or my wife asking me to quit, or to try to, or the cost of it as well. God, that's another factor in there. But then yeah, that just happened.


I don't know if it was a subconscious culmination of everything, but it was like a door slamming shut. I didn't have any doubt. You know, when you're trying to quit and you kind of think, “I hope I can do it this time. It's really hard. Try different things. I'll try this time. Oh god.” I knew from that point that was it.


Jessi:

That really does sound like an identity shift, which is everything.


Tom:

I think it almost was that idea of: I didn't need to see myself as a smoker anymore. That self-identity of just going, "All right, yeah, I've stopped. That's it."


Jessi:

Wow. I'm a little jealous. That sounds wonderful. But when the time's right, the time's right, you know?


Tom:

Yeah. I mean, hopefully that will give people some kind of hope that even if it is hard and you're turning through it, that there is a possibility that there's a point where everything just falls into the right slots. And actually, it was easy. Literally at no point since then have I, “Oh I'll just have a sneaky.” Or been out and had some drinks. Like zero or nothing at all.


Jessi:

That's incredible.


Tom:

Kind of crazy. Yeah.



Jessi:

I'm wondering about the environment you were in where it was culturally accepted and you had these relationships with people that were smoking and it was part of your routine, your workday. You said you weren't craving it anymore. Did that affect your relationships in the environment or did your environment shift and quitting came with that?


Tom:

I don't think it did. And I think possibly as being quite an introspective person sometimes, maybe I was aware of that. Because I didn't let it drive a wedge between that. I would still sometimes go out for a cigarette break and just not smoke because I wasn't bothered. So I'd still be party to those same conversations in that same group, but physically smoking didn't have to be part of it.


Jessi:

Oh, that's beautiful.


Tom:

Yeah. So I think that probably cushions that, doesn't it? In terms of the blow of like, “Oh no, I've lost this bit of my life and this bit of identity.” Kind of just go along with it and turn up anyway, but don't smoke.


Jessi:

That's so powerful when you realize that you didn't really need the smoking to get the thing you wanted.


Tom:

Yeah, you're right. You still get the benefits almost without any of the drawbacks.


Jessi:

Yeah. You can still have friends. You can still take a break. You can still have an interesting conversation. So it's a wonderful realization. But I'm wondering about your wife then. Did that help your connection with you quitting?


Tom:

Not massively, no. Because I guess by that time I wasn't smoking around the house or anything like that. It was very much sort of a work thing.


Jessi:

Got it.


Tom:

So not directly other than her concern for my welfare. Obviously that's a bigger thing. But yeah, in terms of the sort of the day-to-day, it wasn't any sort of impact really because that's not where it was happening.


Jessi:

Yeah, that makes sense. And then did you notice any other changes in the way you felt physically or emotionally?


Tom:

Yeah, I think so. Emotionally it didn't really affect me. You think of cigarettes as calming you down, that kind of thing. I didn't feel a big gap from that.


I definitely felt physical benefit with just the lungs, just the breathing aspect of it over a relatively short time. I mean, I was sort of playing five-a-side football, soccer as you guys might call it, back then. And yeah, it definitely made a difference to that.


Jessi:

Nice. Do you have any final words for someone that's in it and they're struggling?


Tom:

Yeah, just stop messing around. Just come home one night and decide you're going to quit. Just do it. [Laughter] If I could bottle that then that would be my key to a million.



I guess what I said before is about if it's tough and it will be tough. And if you’re slipping back into it and you kind of hate yourself for it as well at some point because you know it's not what you really want to be doing but there's part of you that's making you do it. And that's the same with any vice, isn't it? Whether it's drinking or smoking or overeating or whatever the thing, there's that uncontrollable voice inside you that's making you do these things and you kind of start hating yourself. Maybe just to say even if that is your situation that there is a chance that things could just fall into place. And if you keep trying and trying there might be a point where that subconscious bit of you agrees with your conscious mind. And actually there's a point where it does end and there is a chance that it can just be normal. And you're not going to miss it and it's not something you're going to miss every day for the rest of your life. It just becomes something that happened in your past and that's fine but that's where it is and you don't actually miss it.


Jessi:

Thank you. That's something to look forward to definitely is that magic of just becoming a new person. Like you said, you shift that identity. Something that was so important to you no longer has that hold.


Tom:
Yeah, it is. It's a freedom, isn't it? It's kind of being released.


Jessi:

Yes. So, talk to us about your work and your podcast.


Tom:

Oh, right. Yeah. The podcast is called The Failing Writers Podcast. Myself and my co-host John are the failing writers. So, like I said, I worked in radio. I was writing the adverts for commercial radio which is where I met John. He was doing the same thing and we were great. We were winning loads of awards and everything like that. And you always kind of think, “Well, if I'm a really good writer, I should be writing a novel or something, or a screenplay and things like that.” You promise yourself you're going to do it and you never quite get round to it. We got to the point years and years later that I was like “This is ridiculous. We keep saying we're going to do this” And we sort of did little bits and bobs but the idea of the podcast is it's like an accountability self-help motivation kind of podcast for us and our listeners. So we will interview best-selling authors, award-winning script writers and screenwriters and all sorts and try to delve into what they're doing, what their lucky break was or when they failed. We’re trying to make ourselves feel better about being rubbish basically and helping us and our listeners get some writing out there and actually trying to reach our potential.


Jessi:

It's a really good show. I thought it was fun and also got some tips for myself, as a novice writer.


Tom:

Oh, brilliant. Lovely. That's great to hear. We do try and keep it fun because I think there's a lot of writing podcasts out there obviously. But the vast majority of them are quite dry. They're quite serious about the whole business. And I think for anyone that, well even if you are published, but anyone that isn't published it's like the people talking from inside they've kind of already won and now they're kind of complaining about how hard it is to write their third novel that's getting published. And as someone on the outside “a failing writer” that's kind of like “All right great. Well good for you. I'm still struggling to get halfway through my first novel here.” We always say we take the writing seriously, but we never take ourselves too seriously. So, we're the first people to have a pop at ourselves. Typical deprecating British humor. That's where we're at. But hopefully that means it's kind of an inclusive and welcoming place that people feel comfortable and included in when they're listening.


Jessi:

Right on. And that's great work. I like that when it's mutually beneficial. It's something for you guys to motivate you, to be accountable and have inspiration and then that affects other people and you have that shared connection.


Tom:

I think that's it. And it's built up a really nice little community. There's quite a few regulars that will send us their writing and we tell them it's rubbish and to try harder and it's nice. It's nice. [laughter] We don't. We're very supportive but it's nice that they feel like they want to share it with us and it's really, really good. You should listen to it, people.


Jessi:

Yes.


Tom:

If you're thinking about writing definitely. Definitely give it a listen.


Jessi:

Well, thank you so much for coming on here and telling your story and sharing your work with us. I really appreciate it.


Tom:

Thank you very much, Jessi. I really appreciate it, too. Thanks for your time.


Jessi:

Take care, everyone. See you next week


End of interview.


Jessi:

I hope today's story inspired you as much as it did me. When we hear stories like this, it's a powerful reminder that change is possible. If you're ready to start taking those steps for yourself, I'd love to help.

I put together a free minicourse called How to Survive a Craving to help you access tools to get through temporary cravings and hold fast to your true desire to quit smoking. This course is the stuff I wish I knew when I was practicing quitting, and I've put what worked for me in one place for you. You can grab the minicourse right now by visiting honoryourheart.net/craving.

Until next time, remember to treat yourself with kindness and to cherish the gifts of your heart. I'll talk with you soon. Thank you.