Hiking her way out of smoking - Katherine Alberts, ep2

Jessi:

Hi! Welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and used smoking as an opportunity for inner growth with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking too!

I'm your host Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.

Hey everyone I'm here with Katherine, and Katherine's going to walk us through her story with smoking and quitting. Thanks for being here.

Katherine:

Thank you for having me. Well, I started when I was sixteen. My grandmother was a heavy smoker. She smoked in the house, not in the car. She always left her car pristine in case she wanted to change it in. But she smoked heavily in the house, on the phone talking to different kinds of people. And I always, I actually really enjoyed the smell of her cigarettes, and I was like, “Oh I wonder if it's like the same to smoke as it is to smell it.”

I decided to start at sixteen, I think right on my 16th birthday, and I was like, “Oh.” I didn't cough, it was interesting, I kind of got a little lightheaded and I was like, “Hmm… this is kind of interesting.” So of course it was like every once in a while, it wasn't like a big… like I didn't start right up. It was just like, “Oh, I'm gonna smoke here, I'm gonna smoke there, whatever.”

And then I noticed later in life, I don't remember exactly when. I was trying to think of the age,
but definitely later, I started using it as a crutch. I started using it for like, escaping different kinds of people that I knew didn't like the smoke. So I would go smoke. Or if I was stressed out, I'm like “Oh, I just need to smoke.”

Jessi:

Yeah.

Katherine:

Like, “That'll feel better if I smoke.” And then after I got a divorce, I relied heavily on it, and I thought it was okay because I had my brand that I liked and it wasn't… it was more cleaner brand. And so I was like, “Well, maybe this is okay because I'm smoking a cleaner brand of cigarettes,” which I was still smoking of course.

Jessi:

Yeah, I know that game.
(Laughter.)

Katherine:

And then the other thing that I love doing is I love to go hiking. And I noticed a few years ago because in September I'll have been quit for 2 years.

Jessi:

Nice.

Katherine:

Yeah. I'm excited about it.

Jessi:

Yeah, it’s a big deal.

Katherine:

Yeah. I noticed a few years ago when I went hiking at one of my favorite spots, I couldn't breathe. I had not realized that my lungs were becoming that bad, because I wasn't… I mean, I was working out here and there, but I had not been gaining elevation, or doing that much hiking.

And I went to my favorite spot and I was like… I had a small, not real, panic attack, but kind of, at the same time where I was like, “I really cannot breathe right now.” And I don't know how I'm going to enjoy this hike that I love to do once a year. I did end up doing the hike and then I came home and I was like, “I seriously need to think about not smoking anymore.” But I was using it as such a crutch after I got a divorce that I realized I needed to have help with my emotions, and instead of coming home to smoke, I needed to find a way around that.

And so I got a therapist and a coach. I did both for a little while because my emotions were all over the place; I wasn't only smoking I was also emotionally eating, which I'm still kind of working on that one. But, it was cold turkey, I just decided one day, I’m like, “You know what?”

The other thing was that I was hiding smoking from my children, even though they kind of knew I was smoking, because I had told them at one time, but then I told them I quit. I hadn’t really quit.

Jessi:

That’s hard.

Katherine:

Yeah, so I would keep different containers. I'm like, “Oh, that container right there looks perfect because it has a screw-on lid, and I can just throw my cigarette butts in there and then throw it away and then change clothes before they get here.”

Jessi:

So how did that make you feel when you were doing that?

Katherine:

Not well. I felt like I was trying to be more true to my children and then realized I was not at the same time, because after my divorce I wanted to like really be in touch with them, really be true to them, really talk to them. And then I'm hiding smoking from them. So I was like, “I'm not really being in line with the person that I want to be with.” And so I'm like, “This this isn't aligned with the person that I want to be as a mother, as someone that is trying to be fit.” I started working out again and I'm like, “I can't be a mother, and a life coach, and this healthy person that I want to be if I'm still hiding smoking.” I mean that doesn't align. And I'm not gonna be able to be fifty and still climb Mt. Everest, or whatever I feel like doing at that time. I don't know if I really want to climb out Everest, but it has crossed my mind.

Jessi:

I'm terrified, I'm terrified. But good for you if you want to try that.
(Laughter.)

Katherine:

So one day I'm like, “You know what? I'm just gonna be done. And I actually still had a half pack of cigarettes, and there's this routine that smokers get into where they finish their pack, or for me, where they finish your pack and you're like, “Oh, I have to go buy another one.” And this time I'm like, “You know what? Today is the day.”

And so I just put them in a bag and throw them in the garbage and (I don't know why I put them in the bag first, but I did). I threw them in the garbage and I'm like, “You know what? I'm not going to wait till the end of the pack, because if I wait till the end of the pack, then I'm just gonna wanna buy more.” And it's that habit and ritual that you get into. And so I just threw them away.

And then of course the next day I woke up and I'm like, “I really wanna smoke,” and I was like, “You know what? No. I told myself I was gonna quit. So find something else to do.” So I started going for a walk instead, to get myself kicked out of the routine of going on the back porch.

Jessi:

Right. And that’s something that you enjoyed doing…

Katherine:

Yes.

Jessi:

…like you said with hiking, so you turn back to the things that brought you joy…

Katherine:

Yes.

Jessi:

…to break it up.

Katherine:

Yes. And I got a dog right close to the same time, so I start taking him on a walk, we start going hiking. I started like really cleaning up my language around smoking. I ended up telling my children that yes, I had started smoking again, but I was actually done now. I’m realizing that I could take more time. I could take more time to shower, or I could take more time to eat breakfast, because I wasn't rushing and hurrying up to smoke before those events.

Jessi:

Yeah, that's one of the biggest benefits that I had no idea until I got to the other side. I was like, “Wow, I have a lot more time now.” Everything is so much easier, like cooking Thanksgiving dinner, it cuts down hours without those breaks.

Katherine:

Yeah.

Jessi:

So you started seeing benefits pretty early on then?

Katherine:

Yeah. With the hiking it was a little bit longer but I'm definitely like… there's still a couple times I struggle, but it's not near what it was when I first started going back to hiking when I was still smoking. And I start working out. I started a new workout program four weeks ago– no issues no trouble, no nothing– which really makes me happy because like I said, I smoked on and off for twenty-seven years so it wasn't just a fly-by-night thing. And it wasn't until the last… probably in my mid-twenties and then in some of my thirties and then the last few years before I quit was I really… I wasn't smoking a pack a day, but definitely way more than in the beginning. And definitely addicted, definitely like, “Oh how can I fit cigarette smoking in there? Can I wake up in the morning like five minutes early just to smoke? Can I come home from lunch and change my clothes really quick and then smoke?” And you know definitely that like, “Where can I fit smoking in here throughout my whole day type thing.”

Jessi:

I bet that sounds like, to me that's a lot more freeing. Because I felt that too just to have that burden off where it's like, “I can just think straight.” Because I used to think that smoking helped with focus. But it turns out that was all I was focusing on.
(Laughter.)

It's a major distraction, so I can definitely relate to that, just having that freedom again to wake up and make your choices based on what's going to serve you instead of being driven by that. I mean, you thought it was serving you in some way, right? So let's maybe talk more about that. Like, what were some of the patterns you noticed? What were you kind of drawn to smoking for? When you said like, “Oh, I used as an emotional crutch.” Can you kind of talk more about that? Like, what you were feeling when you would want to smoke? And then how that would help you?

Katherine:

Sure.

Jessi:

Or at least you thought it was helping you?

Katherine:

Well, sometimes I would use it as like staying awake longer, because I have been going to college off and on since I graduated high school and I don't drink coffee. So sometimes I would use it as like a wake-up thing and sometimes I would use it as like staying awake longer at night to actually study, and then of course if I went to the bar I would smoke then and just be like a party type thing. But then also like emotions where I just got a divorce, I'm down in the dumps, I don't know what to do, I'm spending my last money on cigarettes but it helps me feel better. Because I would just be like crying and then I would go out to light up and just felt like this like relaxing type feeling where I'm just like, I could take a deep breath even though I wasn't actually breathing that well after smoking.

Jessi:

Right.

Katherine:

But it felt like this euphoric feeling after you start smoking and you're just like, after you've been smoking for a few years and you're just like, “I can actually like, sit down and breathe.” And I would. And I stopped crying and I was focused on smoking and what I was gonna do for the rest of my day. It kind of helped me like guide my focus, like you were saying. Instead of just crying and worrying about where I was, I felt like it actually helped me move forward throughout my day, because I was so emotional. Because during my divorce I also lost my grandmother and I had failed nursing school all within 2 years.

Jessi:

Oh, wow.

Katherine:

And so I was definitely going through the grieving process and I felt like it was there for me when I didn't feel like I had other family members or friends that were there for me. I could just go out and smoke.

Jessi:

Right. So it sounds like it was something stable for you. It provided a distraction…

Katherine:

Yep.

Jessi:

…and even maybe a moment of relaxation, just to step out and have it to go to. Yeah, I can relate to that big time.

Katherine:

Yeah, but then after the hiking incident where I realized that I really couldn't breathe… hiking has always been a part of my life, for a good twenty-five years, and I don't want to get to a point where I can't be active, and I can't breathe.

Jessi:

Yeah.

Katherine:

And my children are going to be parents eventually– they both want children– and I don't also want to be that grandmother, which they have one. Their dad's mom smokes, and I don't want them hanging on her. I don't want her smoking around them. I don't want them to be associated with that. I even stopped burning candles and incense in my house because I heard when you have children, those kinds of things burning in your house are like cigarettes to an infant's lungs. And I started associating that with like, “Oh, I have one path to choose: I can either choose to be a smoker or I can choose to be healthy. I can't be both.”

Jessi:

Yeah and it is very isolating.

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

It damages relationships…

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

At least it has in my experience. It kind of becomes a priority that you have to focus on, getting your fix, and it gets in the way, because everyone else is affected by it too. I kind of had that feeling of like, “Oh it’s my body, you know, who cares? It’s my decision.” But when I started zooming out I was like, “Wow, this is a problem…

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

…This is in the way.”

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

So I can see that in my own life too. So I'm really curious, you said that you had to mind your language, or something along those lines, around smoking when you quit. And that sounds kind of like maybe you were reframing the way you were thinking about smoking, or do you remember that bit? If you want to talk more about that, like what are some of the changes you made to your language around smoking so that you were..

Katherine:

Sure.

Jessi:

…had a motivation.

Katherine:

Unfortunately, I can't remember exactly the messages I gave myself, but it was like when I first was wanting to quit, I was like, “Well, when I quit, when I do this, when I do that. I'm gonna try to quit.” Those type of things. And then when I threw my pack away, I was like, “No, I'm done. I'm not gonna try to quit anymore. I’m doing this. I am going forward. I will figure out how to deal with my emotions without smoking,” which I feel like was a very hard time, because I'd used it for a crutch for so long. And so it's all about like the the mindset: instead of going out on the porch– which I do love sitting on my porch, because it's got a nice little table and everything– but instead of going out there, I'm like, “No, I can't go out there cause I'm just going to want to smoke.” So I need to actually get out of the house. So, I would tell myself like, “Oh, but the porch looks so nice… no, NO! Just get out of the house right now. Go take my dog, go walk, don't sit still.” I actually talk to myself. I know that some people think that's weird, or not weird, but for me it helps me when I'm struggling with something, especially when I was struggling with quitting smoking. I have to tell myself, “Okay, get up! Move! Go!” Like, we're not thinking about smoking right now. We are going… I don't know why I say ‘we’, because I'm only one person…
(Laughter.)

But, I have to like physically tell myself, “Get in the vehicle,” because I also struggle with depression and the past couple years since I stopped smoking I have not been struggling with depression, thankfully. But I'm keeping a conscious mind since my divorce and since I stopped smoking, and I've been going through these different emotions, dealing with them, facing them.

‘Cause I feel like you have to face them before you can actually move on, and dealing with depression, cigarettes, marriage, all that stuff, I have to actually physically tell myself sometimes, “Okay, it's 4:30 in the morning. I am dead tired. I have done all this stuff.” And then I'm like, “Yes, but I want to work towards something. I want to work towards losing weight, feeling better, feeling healthier, not struggling to breathe, not relying on a crutch of smoking.”

So I have to actually tell myself because of those two things, especially… Have you listened to Mel Robbins?

Jessi:

No. I’m curious though; she keeps coming up.

Katherine:

She has this thing, it's called the the five second rule…

Jessi:

Uh-huh.

Katherine:

…and it's where you count down from five to one and then you just do it. And sometimes I do that but I think about her more often than counting part, because her her whole thing is like just do it.

Jessi:

Yeah.

Katherine:

Like, just do it right this minute. So when I struggle in my in my mind for a minute, I'm like, “Okay, just do it. Just get up. Just go. Just do it.” I feel like that has helped me. I did struggle with it when I first started not smoking because I had been using it for a crutch for so long, and it's so easy to smoke when I'm the only one home.

Jessi:

Right.

Katherine:

Because my children are half at their dad's now, and half at my house. And so when they're not here, I'm like, well, “It's so easy, I can just go outside and they won't know.”

Jessi:

Yeah, the accountability is on you.

Katherine:

Yeah. And so I've been working on really holding myself accountable: “Okay, just do it. Just go outside. We're not smoking anymore. Just keep going.”

Jessi:

Yeah, the self-talk is so powerful.

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

I felt like I was on autopilot for so long that I wasn't even aware of the voice in my head–or voices, I should say.
(Laughter.)

Different sides of me, and they argue.
(Laughter.)

Katherine:

I know the feeling.

Jessi:

Yeah, it's really a game changer once you tap into that and then you're able to shape it.

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

‘Cause it's something that can change the world is because I see it this way. It’s something that can change. So that’s beautiful how you were able to change your language and tap into what you wanted for yourself as motivation and going towards something, having that imagination of what you want and going towards it. That's so cool.

Katherine:

Thank you.

Jessi:

Accountability is big, too, because I often hear people that wanna quit because they have– like I said, it affects relationships–so they have that outward pressure that's like, “You need to quit. I don't like this.” But they're not ready to do it themselves and it's not gonna last. You're gonna sneak it, like you wound up doing, because it has to be self-motivated, I’ve found.

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

So, yeah. Being accountable to yourself foremost is what's gonna help you get through and make that choice when no one's looking. But you were saying that you have to still talk to yourself around smoking so do you still have cravings?

Katherine:

Actually, no for a long time until very recently. And I don't know what it was, but there was a trigger a couple weeks ago that I'm like, “Oh, I could just go get a pack and just like smoke a couple.” And I don't even remember what it was, but it was very strong. I'm just driving and all of a sudden I'm like, “Oh…” And I've never smoked in my vehicle, because my children. But I was like, “Oh, I could just go and get a pack and it'd be fine. And then I'm like, “What am I thinking?

No! I'm not smoking. Like, it's been two years in September. Why would I ruin that now? I don't wanna ruin that.”

Jessi:

Yeah, but I think it takes time to change. Sometimes those impulses come out, but it's definitely lessened. Like you said, it just kind of popped up and you're aware of it. You’re able to talk yourself down from it, so…

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

Yeah, I think that can kind of freak people out. It’s like, “Oh, when am I gonna stop craving it?” And it's like, “I don't know, maybe never? Or just a little bit?” It takes a long time I think. I find for the first year, there were so many times I reached for my pocket…

Katherine:

Hmm.

Jessi:

…just not even thinking, and I’m like, “What am I doing? Oh, I'm reaching for a smoke! You know, that's not there". So it’s just, like muscle memory almost. And I think it takes time to get out. I was surprised, too because I didn't have any cravings for, I don't even know, maybe a couple years. And then I had one and it kind of freaked me out, it's like “Oh, maybe I'm not as far along as I think.” But I don't know. It's not a really big deal if you just don't do it. (Laughs)

Katherine:

No, it's not. It's not the same. In the beginning you're like, “Okay, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it. Okay, you're doing well. Keep going. Keep going.” And then when that that last craving hit, I was just like, “Oh, no what am I thinking?”

Jessi:

Yeah.

Katherine:

(Laughs)

Jessi:

Well, just a little bump in the mind; we have many. I think that's so important too, that we're not really our thoughts. You can have the thoughts. It's all about actions, like you said. Taking the action is the big step, and it’s so easy to get stuck with a decision and be afraid to change. To do the thing. So I just think that's awesome what you're doing.

Katherine:

Thank you.

Jessi:

You’ve got these goals and you’re reaching for them.

Katherine:

I think it's also acknowledging where you're at. I touched on it earlier: “Where am I at right now?” And that has really helped me with–I'm not saying, “Tomorrow I'm going to quit.” I'm not saying, “Tomorrow I'm going to do this.” Like you said taking an action, like “Okay, I'm doing this right now.” We can't always do things at the moment, but we can be like, “Okay, when is the time? Is it 8:00 tonight?” Or is it actually acknowledging, “Why am I smoking? Why am I still doing this? Do I want to smoke? I don't have to smoke forever.” Like I said, I reached a spot where I'm like, “I can either be a smoker or someone that's healthier.” And I had to stop and acknowledge that before I could actually move on.

Jessi:

Yeah, so I’m curious. I mean, nobody really keeps count, but you would say that you didn't quit smoking the first time you tried, right?

Katherine:

Oh no! I think I tried, I'd say, at least five times if not closer to ten. I knew it had to be cold turkey. My friend was like, “Well, if you smoke fifteen one day and then tomorrow you could just do fourteen, and just go down.” And I'm like, “Okay. For one, I never really counted how many cigarettes I smoked. And for two, I don't see the point of weaning yourself off. For me, I know that if I give myself an inch I'll take a mile.

Jessi:

Yeah, that’s me too.

Katherine:

Like, if I don't just draw the line in the sand and be like, “Okay I'm done. I'm moving forward,” I won't do it.

Jessi:

M’hmm. It sounds like that decision was critical for you, to make a decision and stick with that. So that’s kind of hard when you’re weaning or using the nicotine reduction: the patches and gums and all that.

Katherine:

Yeah, I didn't even try the patches or the gums. I was like, “No, I just wanna be done.”

Jessi:

Yeah, that was my way too. It's like a band-aid for me. I'm like, “Just rip it off. Just get this done."

Katherine:

What was your deciding factor?

Jessi:

I pretty much wanted to stop from when I started, but it was physical stuff for me. It started really putting it in my face. Then, I started tapping more into spirituality and rethinking some of the world beliefs I had, where it was like, “Hey, maybe I actually have worth without how much money I make and how good my grades are and how happy everyone else is with me.” (Laughs.)

With me, I was just working for everything else and was getting praise. But it felt like the better I was doing, the worse I felt. (Laughs.) So I had to kind of throw away all the expectations that everyone else had for me and live the way I wanted to, even though everyone was telling me no. Once I was able to do that, I was a lot happier and didn't want to smoke. It didn't fit, like you said, when you start realizing that things aren't aligning. The things that bring you joy and that you want for yourself don't really work with smoking anymore.

Katherine:

M’hmm.

Jessi:

I think that’s a major point for putting it down…

Katherine:

Yeah.

Jessi:

…creating the life you want for yourself, that you deserve. A lot of it was tied to self-talk, like you were talking about too. I had a lot of self-hatred and didn’t even recognize it. So I had to start seeing that, and then I was able to kind of break that cycle. Because I would say something harsh to myself and then smoke. Once I was able to kind of work through the criticism of myself, then I could not try to act out that hatred. That's how I felt like smoking was for me. It's just like being harsh to myself, punishing myself, and then I don't know… Smoking is so bizarre. It’s really, I feel like it’s so much more than a physical addiction.

Katherine:

Yes. Yes. It's interesting that you bring that up because I also didn't like myself when I was smoking. So it kind of made me feel better about myself smoking. But I am in such a place of self-love now. I'm not doing things out of self-hatred or hatred, period or not liking something because someone said something or did something. It's all about taking care of myself, self-love. “Why? Is this good for me? How can I move forward with this?” It’s definitely from love instead of the unworthy, not-liking-yourself part.

Jessi:

Do you think quitting helped heal that?

Katherine:

I would say it contributed to it for sure because I had to find my love for myself. I started living on my own for the first time in my adult life. When I first started, I didn't like myself. Then when I realized that I need to start taking care of myself one step at a time, even something like taking a shower, loving myself, noticing when I'm tired, giving myself grace, all that kind of stuff.

I realized that smoking didn't fit into that. It doesn't go into taking care of myself. It doesn't go into getting enough water. It doesn't go into breathing in the fresh air that's coming in your way.

Jessi:

Yeah, I agree with that, one hundred percent. I felt like I started getting a taste of the good stuff and that made me want to quit smoking. I felt like when I quit, it just kept getting better.

Katherine:

Yeah.

Jessi:

I was more connected to myself. I could just start to pursue the things I wanted for myself because smoking was such a burden. (Laughs.) It was so hard for me to do much of anything else.

Katherine:

And it holds you back. For sure.

Jessi:

Well thanks so much for sharing!

Katherine:

You're welcome.

Jessi:

I really think this is a great story and it’s super powerful. I appreciate you being on here. I wish you the best and congrats on your time, you’re getting up there.

Katherine:

Of course, thank you. Yeah, I'm excited to be moving forward. I am back in nursing school and I'm going to do a half Marathon Spartan in September. I'm excited.

Jessi:

Is there anything you wanna reach out to anybody with? Either with your work or anything that's going on that you wanna talk about?

Katherine:

Well, I am a life coach for divorced mothers, helping them with their self-care, prioritizing themselves, and with healing from burnout, living on their own. Because I feel like self-love starts very small.

Whether it's quitting smoking, taking a shower, or really loving yourself: it's one step at a time. I have had to tell multiple people, even myself at times, that it's okay to take it one step at a time.
It's the comparing yourself. It's the thinking that life has to be all in this one moment. You have to be happy right this second. I feel like that is way too much for our minds to deal with in certain situations and we need to chunk it down. We need to be like, “Yes, I know how to walk, but do I know how to take care of myself? Well yes, but how do I do that in this moment?” It's giving yourself grace for maybe you didn't put that cigarette down today. Maybe you didn't take that shower today but in the next moment are you doing better? Are you acknowledging where you're at?

I really want to help divorced mothers especially because I feel like we don't always need to take care of other people. We can take care of ourselves and we can show ourselves self love. I've helped a couple of women lately that didn't really realize they had to love themselves first before they could move forward. Whether that's quitting smoking, whether that's starting school, whether that's giving up a whole life that they thought they were working towards. In the beginning, it really starts with yourself, not other people. It starts inward first. And that could be with smoking or not smoking. That's just self-love.

Jessi:

Right. Amen to that. That’s a huge transformation, and I feel like those are the hardest times in life, these major transformations. That's why I try to help people with quitting smoking. I feel like a different person in so many ways. Yeah. I know that divorce is a big change.

Katherine:

Yeah. I was married for 20 years and self-love is where it's at, one step at a time.

Jessi:

Sometimes you take a couple steps back. No big deal, just keep going. So if people want to get coaching and help, where can they reach you?

Katherine:

Katherine Alberts on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, LinkedIn, Snapchat, Telegram, WhatsApp, Skool. I think there's one more.

Jessi:

So there's options.

Katherine:

There’s options out there. I have a couple of setters that are trying to help me get clients just to fill my summer up. I have a summer full of no school and I can just help as many people as possible. That's my goal: to help as many people as possible.

Jessi:

Right on, I appreciate that work.

Katherine:

I appreciate your work as well.

Jessi:

Thank you.

Katherine:

You're welcome

Jessi:

I think we’re going to wrap up here. Thanks again for being on and I'll see you next Tuesday everybody. Take care.