Hi, welcome to the You Can Quit Smoking podcast, where we go over stories of success with overcoming smoking addiction. Many people have moved through this radical transformation and use smoking as an opportunity for inner growth, with deeper self-awareness and a greater capacity for compassion. So many have done it and you can quit smoking, too. I'm your host, Jessi Hartnett, founder of Honor Your Heart.

Jessi:
Hey everyone, welcome back. I'm here today with Becky and I'm so excited for her to be here today. Becky, can you please introduce yourself?

Becky:
Hi everyone. I'm super excited to be here. My name is Becky Nieves. I am a mom of four, a coach, a public education advocate, and a whole bunch of other things. But most importantly, for this conversation, I am a former smoker of, was it eleven years? Yes, eleven years. And I have been without smoking now for sixteen.

Jessi:
Wow. Congrats.

Becky:
Thank you. Thank you.

Jessi:
I bet that's been a difference for you. So, I'd love to hear more about your story with smoking. How did you start?

Becky:
Well, both of my parents were smokers, so that was something that was pretty commonplace in our house. They smoked in the home. So, there was always ashtrays about, with lots of cigarettes. It was normal, how I grew up. And I was probably about fifteen, I think, the first time that my parents had left a cigarette butt in the ashtray. And I was like, “Well, let's see what all this fuss is about.” So, I kind of snuck it into my room, clandestinely opened a window, and smoked it outside of my window. I didn't really pick up the habit completely, probably until about the age of seventeen, and then I was a full-time pack-and-a-half smoker after that.

Jessi:
That first time you tried it, you just wanted to see what it was like. Were you alone?

Becky:
Yeah, pretty much just like I said, you know, my parents and everybody around me at that time was smoking. I was a kid of the '90s. They were starting to come out with the warnings and it was bad for you. It was still a generally acceptable habit. Like I said, most of my family and everyone around me were smokers, too. So, I just thought it was something that one did.

Jessi:
Walk us through more of your experience with smoking. What times would you smoke? How did you pick up that habit? Was it connected to certain times of your day or certain feelings you were having? How did you kind of fall into the addiction?

Becky:
People talk about the physical addiction of smoking. For me, I would say it was definitely psychological. I found myself smoking more in social situations where there was stress and anxiety. Basically, anytime I was stressed or anxious, which was pretty much a lot of the time, and also with alcohol. And at that time, you could smoke in bars, too, areas where you were drinking. So, it definitely became a social-psychological kind of component for me. It just became habit that it was like, “Okay, cigarette goes with alcohol, cigarette goes with coffee.” I have not beaten my caffeine addiction [laughs], but…

Jessi:
Same.

Becky:
…it's like, “Okay, I have to have one vice; coffee is it.” It kind of came about. I did try to quit multiple times, particularly–I actually found myself pregnant at nineteen. There was definitely a lot of shame around the fact that I smoked throughout my pregnancy, and also throughout the formative years of my oldest child's life. I think I actually quit when he was about seven. I quit because I met my current husband; he kind of made me promise. We were in the process of buying a house and he did not like smoking. He tolerated it, but he was like, "Just promise me when we buy this house and we move in together, that you will quit smoking." So, I had a literal deadline looming. I had my last pack of cigarettes. I can distinctly remember smoking my very last cigarette and I was like, "Okay, that's it. I'm done." Because I had made that promise.

And there was a lot of emotions, I think, with smoking for me. I definitely had a lot of guilt and shame about smoking during a pregnancy, smoking around my child during his early years. He actually was asthmatic during his childhood, and there's always that guilt, like, “Did I cause it?” That sort of thing. And if I didn't cause it, I'm sure I definitely exacerbated that. It was definitely a lot to carry for me, for sure.

Jessi:
Yeah, that's really hard. So, you were feeling like you wanted to quit but just were not able to do it, trying different things? Because a lot of people don't quit on their first time. So, I'm kind of curious what that landscape looked like for you. Were you making attempts and what did that look like?


Becky:
I mean, I think if I'm completely honest with myself, I really did not want to quit. I mean, I might have made half-hearted attempts at it and been like, "Oh, I'll quit." But there was no true motive for me. Again, it was socially acceptable. My mom smoked when she was pregnant with me and my siblings. Everybody around me did. There was no shaming in that. I think until I met my husband, you know, we dated and we got engaged and we got married and he's like, “I just would really prefer that you didn't.”

At that point, you know, my son had developed asthma and I'm like, “Yeah, I don't want to smoke during another pregnancy and I don't want to smoke in our nice new home that we had just purchased, too.” That, I think, was finally the motivator for me. Like, “Yeah, maybe I really should take it seriously.” That was kind of what did it for me at that time. I had the motivation and the drive. And I think until the mind makes up, like, “Okay, we're over this now.” For me, it wasn't the finances of the packs of cigarettes. Like, none of that did it for me. But it was like, I didn't want to have that identity anymore. And I definitely didn't want to bring it into this new life that I was creating with my husband.

Jessi:
Yeah, sometimes it's helpful to have that external pressure, but I feel like it only really takes if you have that internal drive to do it. So, were you noticing effects that you just were losing your attachment to it? Like, “Hey, this is really affecting my life in this way and I want to stop.” You were talking about a lot of the shame, embarrassment. Were you just sick of feeling that way? And what were your personal motivations at that time?

Becky:
Yeah, it was definitely the shame, and the embarrassment, I guess, too. And you know, out of respect for my future husband, when we would go out, I would refrain from smoking as much, and then when we were apart and I would pick it up again. Everybody who's ever been a smoker knows that we become oblivious to the smell, right? For us, in our car, our house, it's like, “Oh.” So then when you go for an extended period of time, and you go back to it, you’re like, “Oh my god, this really is [stinky].” We think we're being accommodating to people by smoking further away, and it's like, “No, the wind is going to pick it up. It's going to stick to our clothes.”

Jessi:
[Laughs] Yeah.

Becky:
We're not really being as discreet as we think we are. So when you've had that time away from it and you come back, you're like, “Oh, this really does stink.” Or just going from my car to his car, now, so many years later, I'm like, “He must have really loved me to get in my car, because my car was like an ashtray.” [Laughs] I believe just the smell of it, and now having not smoked for so many years, when I smell it, I think it affects me even more. Because I'm like, "Oh my god, that really does smell awful."

Jessi:
It sounds like you were practicing quitting by taking more breaks when you’re with someone. That can be really helpful, just to kind of like, “How can I go a few hours without? Can I do less?” Just kind of playing with that idea of living life without it instead of lighting up every time you think about it. I found that for myself; I had to practice a lot. I'm wondering what quitting looked like for you. Did you use any aids? What was your approach with it?

Becky:
I think, at least for me–I can't speak for everybody–but everybody hypes up quitting smoking to this awful thing like, “You're going to gain weight, you're going to crave things, you're going to need to substitute.” So, in my mind, I had already hyped it up to be a super hard thing. Went and got the gum and I'm like, "God, this tastes like chewing a cigarette. No, this is not going to work." So, I went and got patches. I know one of the side effects of the nicotine patches is sometimes, very vivid nightmares, which I got, and I already had problems sleeping and insomnia and I'm like, “I don't need to exacerbate this.” So I think that going through the aids that are out there and–not knocking anybody who it worked for, by all means quit however you have to–but for me the aids were actually worse than quitting cold turkey. So I think after about two weeks of going between the patches and the gum, I'm like, “I'm just going to go cold turkey.” That's what I was able to do, eventually, and I just had my last cigarette.

I will say, probably within a few months, I can remember, I had, I think, one more cigarette after that. I had a really stressful day at work. I had bummed a cigarette off of somebody and I remember calling my fiancé at the time, and I'm like, “I just caved and had a cigarette.” We kind of talked through it and he's like, “Is this really what you want to do?” And at the time we were talking about expanding our family and getting pregnant again. And that reminder [that] I smoked [during] my last pregnancy and I didn't want to do that–that was the motivation for me. September of 2010 was my last cigarette after that, and I didn't pick up one again.

Jessi:
I know we're reaching back here, but do you remember what it felt like when you smoked it? Obviously, you're like, "Oh, I’m gonna have to talk to my husband about this." You were looking for a stress relief. How did it feel after going so long without it and then going back? Because I found for myself, it's kind of awkward. You think it's going to be this great thing and then you're like, “This feels weird in my mouth and I'm actually feeling really guilty about this,” without being in the addiction, in that cycle. It doesn't quite feel right going back, or at least it didn’t for me. So I'm just kind of curious: Do you remember what that felt like when you did smoke it?

Becky:
It was very easy to fall back into the psychological trap. When I first had the cigarette, I'm like, “Ah, this is what I was missing.” I kind of felt my body relax, but then immediately, the taste and the smell and I'm like, “Oh, I'm going to have to go back into the office. Everybody knows that I've already quit and here I am coming in smelling like a cigarette again.” And I think I probably called my fiancé at the time, while I was still smoking the cigarette. The psychological dopamine hit that I think I got [from] smoking the cigarette did not outweigh the–I don't even want to say the guilt. I mean, it was definitely shameful, too, but the other mental distress of having taken a step backward for me, especially knowing what my goals were at the time. I wanted to be healthier. I wanted to have more children. And this just did not play into the new person that I was being. So, I did beat myself up a little bit for that cigarette. And it just wasn't the same. It didn't have the same high. It didn't have the same stress release. If anything, I think it created more stress than the stress that initiated it. And for me, that was my wakeup call.

Jessi:
That's so well said. I like comparing the benefits versus the burden of it. And it just isn't worth it anymore. I think that's really a turning point. You're like, “I'm not going back.” [Laughs]

Becky:
Yeah.

Jessi:
“There's nothing there for me.” You know? So, that's really a helpful experience. It's almost like–I don't want to recommend that–it's better just to not try it again. But if it does happen, you can actually learn from it, and be like, "Yeah, this isn't what I had, or what I thought I was getting in the past." A relapse is what people call it. It's not the end of the world if you don't let it [be]. You can just have one. You can even put it out as you're smoking, you're like, "No, I'm not feeling this. Done.” It doesn't have to totally set off your path to quitting. So, I think that's really helpful to talk about, because a lot of people don't. They just count days and it's like you go back to zero if you have one. It doesn't really have to take you off if you don't let it. I'm wondering what life looked like for you after quitting. Did you notice any changes, not just physically, but in your emotional regulation? You said you smoked a lot with stress. Did you find other ways to cope with stress? How did you manage that [after] taking that tool away that you had relied on for so long?

Becky:
Yeah, I mean, absolutely. And I'm not going to lie: because of the psychological dependence on it, I ended up realizing I was burying a lot of things with smoking that probably should have been talked out with a therapist. So, I did end up going to therapy and talking about some other emotional issues that I had been avoiding because of the smoking. So, yeah, I definitely would recommend that to anybody if there's obviously some other super deep-seated issues there. And I kind of knew that about myself. I do have a psychology degree. I actually worked in the mental health field. So, I knew what I was doing and the self-medicating thing. So, it's like, “Okay, now that I've taken the crutch away, I have to work my own advice and do that.”

Life has a way of being ironic. It was destined for me to stop smoking. Yes, I felt physically better, and I noticed that some of the people that I hung out with socially, that weren't so great, also went away, because when you don't have that bonding experience of smoking outside or at the bar, things like that, it filters out the people that aren't good for you, too. So, it actually kind of helped propel me into that next chapter of life.

And then what was the most jarring for me–and I wouldn't realize it until a few years later–my husband and I did end up conceiving, and we had our daughter. And sure enough, she actually has a rare genetic disorder that actually affects the lungs. So even if I had not quit smoking when I did, smoking is absolutely forbidden even anywhere near her, around her, that sort of thing, because she has a condition with her lungs that will eventually turn into a fatal pulmonary fibrosis, which is a hardening and scarring of the lungs. It was like quitting smoking was preparing me for this life that I was moving into as an advocate, because now, I have to be very concerned about her environmental pollutants. Anybody smoking around her, we don't allow. We try to avoid places where smoking is going on because we have to do everything that we can as parents to protect her lungs.

It's something that my husband and I talk about. You were a smoker and now I'm almost militantly non-smoking, but for the reason that I have to protect my child and that brought a whole other set of consequences with my family. It's weird how smoking has weaved its way into the tapestry of my life. I don't speak to my parents anymore because of it. It's been a huge theme in my life. That's why when you reached out to talk about it, I actually had to sit and think about the story that I would tell. I'm like, "Yeah, smoking was a major theme throughout my entire life, and even now as a non-smoker still is, but for very different reasons."

Jessi:
Yeah. I was just sitting here in awe. That was divine timing for you. That was the right path that you felt that calling. You didn't really understand it. Maybe you didn't want to go there, but with that push from your husband and that internal knowing that you were able to follow that and be prepared for your daughter's condition. I'm in complete amazement with that.

I do want to talk about that role of intuition. Do you feel like you kind of knew something or have you been able to reconnect with it more since quitting smoking? Because I felt like when I was smoking, I was just so into distraction. I was using it as a distraction. I was completely out of touch with my body. I didn't pay attention [to] or respect my emotions. It was like, “Just shove them down. I don't want to deal with them.”

So, for me, that's been one of the greatest gifts. I felt like intuition called me back to, “Hey, put this behind me. This isn't working out for my highest good here. I actually have a lot more potential and could be a lot happier without this,” which is really hard when you're in a smoking addiction. You're like, “I'll never be happy again.” You know, like, “Everything in my life I associate with this.” It's really tough to imagine that. But I kind of felt a glimmer of hope there, a possibility. I listened to that call and since I have really gotten in touch with how I'm feeling, and–like you were talking about with the family dynamics–taking away those layers and seeing, “What do I actually want? Who am I really? Without all these expectations, without all this past and this history.” And I'm wondering how intuition has played out in your life, either with your understanding of yourself [or] your connection to your daughter, and what your experience has been with intuition.

Becky:
Oh, my goodness, you just summed it up so beautifully. But yes, the intuition piece, the knowing piece. Looking back, those nudges that, whatever you believe in–god, universe, source, those types of things–they were definitely there. And that decision of quitting smoking–like I said–it set off a chain reaction of events that, at the time, I could have no idea that they were related.

But piecing it back now–hindsight's 20/20 and all those things–but looking back, that literally put me on a course to better mental health, better physical health, and my life's purpose. I ended up getting very involved in the nonprofit of my daughter's rare disease. I actually still sit on the board of directors of that organization. I became, again, a fierce advocate and that led me to advocate in public education. It put me onto my own health journey. I realized that cigarettes were the crutch to so many emotional things. I was finally able to get healthy. I lost a lot of weight. I did my first 5K at forty, because running was never a thing. [Laughs] Especially when you're smoking, you can't run. I took up running at the age of forty. Just so many things that stemmed from that decision to not identify as a smoker anymore.

And I know my case is definitely extreme in that my parents were still smokers. And then when my daughter was born and she was diagnosed, it caused a serious thing in our family because even secondhand smoke was definitely something. By then we had really learned the dangers of [secondhand] and even thirdhand smoke. And they couldn't understand. “Well, we'll just smoke before we go to your house.” And I'm like, "No, you don't understand. You cannot come near my daughter having worn clothes that you've smoked in." And that caused me, also, to have to put in very strong boundaries, which was not something that I had before. And it's like, “Look, if you want to come see your granddaughter, you will have not smoked. You have showered and put on fresh clothes before you come to my house.” And we had to stop visiting their house because they still smoked in their home. And that caused a lot of grief.

And for some people, it might sound so insignificant like, "Oh, didn't they want their granddaughter to be healthy?" But it's a whole other topic for another podcast. But my father's a narcissist and it's a whole family dynamic. But that eventually became the thing that made me cut off contact with my parents, because they refused to put my daughter's health above their need to smoke.

And that shows the psychological power that addiction can have. Cigarettes, any substance. We literally have a diagnosis for our child, that she has delicate lungs. And that would not stop them from smoking and making those behavioral changes. And it was really sad, but it all kind of stemmed with me deciding to quit, meeting my husband, and starting this new life healthier–much healthier life.

And now I look back at that version of me, and a lot of people don't even know that I'm a former smoker. They're like, “Wait...” Like even now, I tell the same daughter, and she's like, “Wait, you smoked!?” She knows that we're so militant about not being around smoking. And I was like, “Yeah.” I was like, “I smoked for a lot of years.” And people are like, “We would never even have known.” And I'm like, “Yeah, I worked really hard to heal from that, deal with the emotional fallout of that and advocate for other people to not smoke, and of course definitely not smoke around my daughter.” That's huge.


Jessi:
Yeah, it's a big change in identity and I appreciate your vulnerability so much and sharing about your experience with family and with your social circle, because there is kind of a fallout from it, but like you said, you've been able to push through into the next phase and it's actually been good for you. So, it's hard to let those things go, but it ultimately serves us.

I also have a history of addiction in my family. I know that's what your work is [about], breaking cycles. So, I'm very passionate about that for myself as well. It's so tough. No one wants you to do it, [laughs] but you have to live, to thrive, and for our children. So, I really have massive respect for that, to go through the hard thing. And I think that we grow from it, from the struggles. Of course, none of us want to, but you can make meaning of it and make sense when you see it, like, “Okay, this is what I need to do to be healthy and to instill that in my children.” I really have a lot of respect for that, and appreciate you sharing that.

I'm wondering if you have any final words for people that are listening, maybe listeners that are still smoking, they're thinking about it, they're on the fence about it, or maybe they've tried to quit and haven't been successful and are wondering, “Can I even do this thing?” Do you have any final words you would say to them?


Becky:
Yeah, I will say–and thank you for your kind words–I will say, it absolutely sucks to go first sometimes…

Jessi:
Yep. [laughs]

Becky:
…but the rewards on the other side are so worth it. And I would say to anybody who's still smoking and is really on the fence, my biggest thing was: you really have to ground yourself in the most amazing ‘why’ ever. You really have to have that foundational thing. And that's kind of the way I live my life now. Anything that I want to do, it's like, “Okay, why am I doing this?” And it can't be something that I think is superficial or won't withstand those tests, because we're going to be tested, right? We're going to walk into a social situation where everybody's smoking, you're going to drink, or whatever your trigger is for wanting to smoke. You're going to need to be able to fall back on that ‘why,’ of why am I committing to not having–whatever the behavior is, smoking or anything else–“Why am I not going back to this path?” And I think if you can formulate that really strong ‘why,’ have your support system, have all those things in place, then you have a much greater chance of keeping to it. And like I said, it does suck to go first, but life on the other side is definitely 100% better.

Jessi:
Wonderful. I want to hear more about your work. So, how can people get in touch with you and work with you? And do you want to talk more about your services and what you offer?

Becky:
Of course. So, I'm on all the major social media platforms. My social handle is @beckythecyclebreaker. It's also my website: beckythecyclebreaker.com. I try to keep it uniform and consistent. I'm basically a self-worth and boundaries life coach, for moms in particular, who may have come from some toxic family dynamics and are looking to set up those boundaries, set up their self-worth, and move past whatever past stories they've told themselves about why they can't achieve what they want to. And that's my thing, breaking cycles, because again, it does suck to go first. But I have found that in breaking cycles, I've set myself up for much better success. And for my four kids, you know, we're all thriving and doing amazing. And even coming from difficult pasts and circumstances, that does not define the legacy that you leave.

Jessi:
That is so empowering and just absolutely needed work. So, thank you so much for doing that. It's rough to do it on your own. So, I think that's great that you can give people support because I've been struggling myself, so. [laughs]

Becky:
It’s hard. Yeah.

Jessi:
Yeah. Something that people don't talk about. So, I just think that you're really brave for coming out and doing that work and for sharing your story with us with so much heart and honesty. Thank you so much.


Becky:
Thank you, Jessi, for having me, again. I think telling the stories and telling them out loud, chases away the shadows. That's kind of been my thing.

Jessi:
So, absolutely. Well, I'm going to head out now. So, thanks everyone for listening. We'll be back next Tuesday. Thank you.

Becky:
Thank you.

End of interview.

Jessi:

I hope today's story inspired you as much as it did me. When we hear stories like this, it's a powerful reminder that change is possible. If you're ready to start taking those steps for yourself, I'd love to help.

I put together a free minicourse called How to Survive a Craving to help you access tools to get through temporary cravings and hold fast to your true desire to quit smoking. This course is the stuff I wish I knew when I was practicing quitting, and I've put what worked for me in one place for you. You can grab the minicourse right now by visiting honoryourheart.net/craving.

Until next time, remember to treat yourself with kindness and to cherish the gifts of your heart. I'll talk with you soon. Thank you.